I have been reading through your blog from the beginning and I guess some questions came to mind.
Is this what you want to do or do you think that it's all your capable of?
After fighting with crack for almost 20 years, right now I'm think Erie Crackhead is doing pretty good. Not perfect, but things are getting better. Life being what it is, everything could go down the toilet in a heartbeat but I'm OK at the moment.
Besides "Better is Better," right?
Do you have dreams other than where to get your next hit?
I don't know one crack smoker who doesn't have dreams beyond their next hit. I also don't know a crackhead who doesn't curse the day they first started hitting the pipe. So, I do indeed have dreams beyond the next hit. I also know that some dreams may be achievable whether I still smoke crack or not. There also dreams that probably won't come to fruition regardless of what else may happen in my life.
I have gone over the edge in some respects. Without going into specifics, after you've gone that far, some things will never come back to you.
I have read that you have tried everything,(to recover) so does that mean that you are now apathetic and hopeless to your situation?
NO, I'm not apathetic or without hope. I am also accepting the fact that crack has a definate hold on me in ways that aren't entirely explainable. So what I have doing is practicing some Harm Reduction techniques that limit harm to me and eliminate it entirely from anyone else around me. Primarily it's keeping myself from too much money.
Money is a biggy...
But intake of crack has been reduced. And another biggy is the fact that when I do smoke crack, it is not in shame. It's what I do, and like smoking cigarettes, know that it's not good for me but is a area of my life that needs attention.
I deal with that, knwing that if someone trying to quit cigarettes is not going to go on a week long nicotine binge if they have one smoke here and there. Same thing with the crack.
I also think that "recovery" is the wrong word. I'm still not entirely sold on the disease idea. I'll be happy with long term abstinance.
I am also hoping that some day there will be a medication that will reduce or eliminate the cravings. If not for me, then somebody who is in my shoes.
Do you ever wish that you could get out of this situation?
This situation is much improved over other situations I've endured. Trust me on that one.
It's just that I see that your obviously educated, loved by family (but they have detached for love of themselves), have the ability to get to the library and have internet access and blog, can work your ass off and have determination and patience to get into a shelter and some food, have clarity from time to time, so I can't help but wonder, what are your plans? What are you doing?
A great deal of my education was acquired from The School of Hard Knocks.
Now about this love of themselves. That sounds like Hazelden or Alanon voodoo hoodoo. Hazelden's "Family" program is big on that detach with love bullshit. Hazelden is also big on geographic solutions. As a matter of fact I believe Hazelden works hard for the Minnesota Chamber of Commerce.
But that a topic for latter discussion.
But my plans are to continue on the path that I've taken to write this blog to document in some measure my successes and my setbacks. This is for me and for others who are stuck in similar or worse circumstances. This blog has in many respects has done more to improve my outlook, disposition and attitude than the dozen of counselors, AA sponsors and the numerous rehabs I have been confined in.
Yep, I love to work but my physical disabilities prevent my gaining any meaningful employment. Added to that is the fact that gaining employment in my particular field will never be possible for reasons beyond just being a crackhead.
So I am "retired" so to speak and on disability.
Do you really believe that you can't overcome this or is that you just don't want to?
Why would I even bother writing this blog if being abstinent wasn't in my goals. But contrary to what professionals and steppers have said, I am working my own program.
Have you ever met a crackhead who wouldn't truly like to stop?
It seems like you have some consistency and wits about you, which isn't "normal" crackhead behavior, so I can't help but wonder.
What is normal crackhead behavior? You can't pigeonhole someone who smokes crack with that characterization.
I know many crackheads, who like myself have never robbed a convenience store, mugged someone, or any other type of violent crime. I have, as there are many others, who have never sold their bodies, never ran a hustle or game or make money for crack.
I have smoked crack with lawyers, doctors (MDs), drug and alcohol counselors, nurses, engineers, accountants and nuclear physicists. On the other hand I have also smoked crack with prostitutes, gang-bangers, petty thieves and con artists. Crack smokers cross through all segments of society.
I have run my own little hustles, but those were targeted at the drug dealers or somebody trying to run game on me. Having my wits about me and appearing to be "normal" in many respects has gotten me into places some stereotypical crackheads would never get.
Some of those places weren't all that pretty, but others were great.
So, thanks for your comment. As mentioned, it has given Erie Crackhead some thing to think about. Hopefully my response has also given "Anonymous" something to chew on as well.