Friday, July 16, 2010

No Crack Today


There is no crack in the picture for me today and probably for a few days into the future as well.

Today is dedicated to cleaning my rat hole apartment, washing some clothes, doing some other needed chores and sitting outside with neighbors. We'll watch the motorcycles roaring by and the people making their way to the Roar on the Shore festival at Perry Square.

I've also been given food for thought in regards to my attitude and opinions regarding my addiction. In some respects, those ideas have frustrated me. In a perfect world, with a perfectly functioning mind and an undamaged moral compass, smoking anymore crack would and should be unthinkable.

I am not trying to rationalize future use, but part of me thinks, as a commenter mentioned, I'm fucked. Another part of me has made me make note of the fact that through some manipulation of my resources, progress has been made in ways I never would have imagined before. These are things that have happened by my design to limit the amount that the "Beast" can consume and control my life.

This has, to their credit, been accomplished with the help of people who for some reason still care for me on some level. For that I am thankful. No amount of words could even come close to expressing the gratitude I feel for their help and for their apparent lack of judgemental ism in my actions, whether positive or negative.

I'm not looking for cheerleaders.

So I have things to do to keep a normal appearance for this crackhead.

I also have "him" talking to me, so to spread the cheer I'm going to go have a chat with my neighbor Don. He's the one with his jaw wired shut. His diet currently has to be ingested through a straw. Instant breakfast, Ensure and other such sources of liquid nourishment.

So to spread that cheer, I think I'm gonna' talk about food. Solid food like steaks, chops and wonderfully seasoned seafood. Food described in such exquisite detail as to make my own stomach juices flow.

Hey, Don! I have found a great recipe for steamed shrimp!

I'm certain there is a special room in hell for me...


  1. OK, comments in a bullited list:
    o Not as fucked as I thought you were.

    o Bad, bad, tease with that shrimp reference.

    o I don't trust you as far as I can throw you

    o Somehow, I owe you for the breakthrough, so thanks. It's bad and I may not come through untouched, but am grateful nevertheless.


  2. See, I can be fun when I want to be fun...

    And you could throw me too far.

  3. It is Sunday.
    I hope your mean streak has ended.
    Not sure what that throwing comment means.
    On this end, things are improving.
    I am looking forward to reading more cheerful, funny stuff, lies or truth,that only matters to you. From arm's length or across state lines, it all looks the same.

  4. Yes, the shrimp reference was mean.But...I am a friend of Mr. Crackhead, and Mr/Ms Anonymous, you are no Mr. Wrie Crackhead (apologies to Lloyd Bentsen). What's important to remember is that no one is without baggage, and because of that, no one has the right to judge others.

  5. How sweet, Sandie. EC hardly needs defending from me, but I will take you comment to heart.

  6. Sandie is a friend and has, either over the phone or online, seen some of my blackest moments over the past 18 months. To anyone else reading this, she has also told me in very blunt language what she felt about me.

    She has also, if only over a phone, heard some nasty stuff from people who I had to deal with in those black times.

    Anonymous is also a friend, as I recognize their style of writing, who has helpful in ways that have me looking more closely at myself as well. It's all good in that the words were written to perhaps wake me up a bit.

    To anyone who thinks I was truly being mean to my neighbor, Don. He sees right through my shit and laughs harder than anyone at my twisted humor. Besides, if there is money around when he gets that grill off of his mouth, he'll be enjoying steamed shrimp to die for...

    Not you!

  7. Some of us are allergic to shrimp. so thanks, but no thanks.
    Wow, you ARE careful with your pronouns.


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