Tuesday, July 13, 2010

What does a crackhead know anyway?

Things started out well enough Friday night.

A friend stopped by with a little weed and shared some with me. We had a senseless, but fun conversation about 2012 and other nonsensical things that people often do after smoking some herb. I was happy for the company and thankful for that gentle buzz.

Saturday morning started out pleasantly enough, with the temperature and humidity moderating a bit with sunny skies. Then I tried to log onto the Internet to discover my connection was gone, gone, gone. A repairman came yesterday to fix the problem, a broken or poorly spliced cable.

A little later in the day my friend who keeps money stopped by with a case of beer, which I requested and a few dollars.

Well, forty dollars.

So i did what I usually do when some cash crosses my palm. I called the Dude and he delivered a forty piece to me. It was the same old, same old with the IBI and the other accompanying insanity that goes along with smoking that crap. But that little switch has again been turned off and rational thought returned.

I laugh at my thoughts and actions after all is over, but....

With no Internet to occupy my time on Sunday, I watched some DVDs picked up from the library. I also did a little chef stuff. I made some pulled BBQ pork. It turned out pretty good thanks to my new crock pot. It's almost like not cooking at all.

I shared some with my other neighbor, who does not have his jaw wired shut. Hopefully he and his lady friend enjoyed those sandwiches. I thought the stuff was dynamite! No complaints were heard, so all must have been well with my recipe.

My recipe consists of adding appropriate spices and such that are at hand.

Monday had me traveling to the library to beat on the keys of their computer. I had a pile of emails to sort through and some replies were made to some. I was going to post to this blog but time ran out. Just as well, as my original posting idea was blown out of the window by another little development. Besides the repairman's appointment had me hustling back to my home.

It's just as well that no post was made on Monday, as I had time to consider the results of a suggestion made to an online friend. At the time that suggestion was made concerning dynamics at a family gathering. It was simple advice on how to act or react to an ex-spouse who was or is in the throes of addiction. This ex is a loony tunes type according to my friend. Also included in that suggestion was a reminder of for who and why the celebration was taking place.

According to my online friend, the suggestion was taken to heart and helped them enjoy that day. At the time they were not aware of my addiction or life experiences or the hundreds of hours spent with counselors and therapists. When a "thank you" was written regarding that advice I took a risk and revealed a bit of my background and the existence of this blog.

Many of you regular readers know how cautious the Erie Crackhead is about this blog.

So, I started to wonder about how this person may have reacted or heeded my advice had they known ahead of time about what and who I was. My experience in the past has been that any suggestion or contribution made by me to people who knew my background was invalidated or highly discounted.

Besides, what does a fuckin' crackhead know?

More than he wants to at times...


  1. This person would have used your very good, common sense bit of advice, since this person does not invalidate good stuff coming her way just because a crack head sent it. This person is also clear headed enough to recognize good advice, which she cannot say about everybody she communicates with. I love talking about myself in the third person!
    But I must tell you that some of the stuff I read in your blog makes me want to throw up on your shoes!

  2. But since this is your blog, I will refrain from telling you exactly what those bits are. Otherwise this would turn into a dialogue.

  3. Throw up all you want where ever you please. I'm writing the blog for me and reveal it with trepidation to a few. Those who read it are invited to comment where ever they please. There is a safety mechanism in place to "moderate" comments, which I am loathe to use, but will use if someone violates my sense of anonymity. That's about the only qualifier to my moderating of comments.

  4. I do not want to become amusement for your fan base - that's one of the factors that may keep me from posting all I want at any moment. OMG since when has addiction become a lifestyle? I remember the only career addict I ever met, a man who had come through WW2 with a heroin habit that kept him on the road with his handlers. He had a morphine habit during the war; and his physician wanted to cure him with heroin. It did not work out as prescribed, but at least he could afford it, barely.
    Now I read comments from your fan who writes about his habit, different, yet not perceived as horrible shackles on his life. What gives?
    Have things changed so much?
    Did you notice that you use indirect language a lot when describing your actions around crack? very interesting!

  5. A therapist or a shrink would have a field day with this blog. My guess is that my indirectness at times is an effort to separate myself from the crackhead I am. Continued unconscious efforts to compartmentalize that part of my life? Maybe, as this blog is a separate part of my internet life. But it has been a valuable tool to me in many respects. It isn't written for it's entertainment value, although there may be few who occasionally get a chuckle from it's contents.

    Sometimes if you don't laugh, you cry.

    But I do think it's helped at least one person moderate their use with a goal towards abstinence. That person is me. I think that is evident to anyone who reads this from the earliest to todays posting. If anyone else gets anything from it, hopefully it is helpful to them in their struggles.

    The addiction is after awhile not considered shackles, but rather just part of one's life that is endured. A part that is neither negative or positive, but just another part of one's life. An area that one recognizes as needing to be improved upon, but nonetheless, a part of one's life. Perhaps that is also an effort to eliminate the stigma that others apply to the addictions of others but are clueless of the road they have truly traveled.

  6. Hey, CH, some particularity trite pieces of rationalization there in that last paragraph. I say that with all due respect and affection, but that's just bullshit. At least in last year's blogs you still called it "the beast"; now you have internalized it???
    And never, ever assume cluelessness in others just because they do not appreciate your personal trip through the badlands. Some people have made the trip and came out on the other end.
    By the way, you are a wonderful writer. Just watch the indirect verbs!

  7. "It" is still the beast. That beast is within me, and that beast is me at times, so I guess it is internalized.
    Yes, there have been many who have made the journey and made it through to the other side. Some are robots who parrot slogans and act like Amway reps in their enthusiasm. They are at times as scary as some active addicts encountered along the way. Others have gone in a different direction with positive results.
    I'm still working on it.
    Part of that effort is doing what it is that I do here on this blog.
    The blog is also open to comments. That is extremely important to me. Not just for accepting compliments, but for opening myself to constructive criticism for what I'm doing or have done here. Suggestions are always welcome, but may not always be taken.
    Thank you for your kinds words concerning my writing. Not bad for someone who graduated dead center in his class from a technical high school. I've always considered English as my second language and what ever comes out of my mouth or this keyboard to be my first.

    Now I'm gonna' look up what an indirect verb is...

  8. ......I'm still working on it......
    How long do plan on working on it? How do you envision it to come to a conclusion? Do you WANT IT to come to an end? What does the next day after the end look like in your mind?
    Who are you without the beast inside? Inquiring minds want to know.

  9. My plan and hope, as already mentioned in this blog, is to be abstinent with money in my pocket. Money has been and is a major trigger for me. Frankly, I am happiest without money. Odd in that many years of my life were spent pursuing cash. Make money, make money, make mo' money.
    Do I want it to come to an end. I truly wish I could answer that question honestly, and I am not sure that I can. I'm not trying to be evasive or make excuses, but that is a thorn I have been carrying for years.
    The day after the last day really does look like today. And like today, the temptations, the triggers, the thoughts may well still be there and the beast will always be talking to me.
    I truly believe that the beast has been part of me since I was a child. To be honest, I'm not sure who or what I would be if there was no beast inside of me. Yes, that scares me...

  10. Yeah, CH, there is a transformation that has to take place. I can describe in great detail what that looked like in my life, but that would not be of use to you, beyond the amusement factor. The process is totally unencumbered by the "sobriety machine", instead is driven by you alone - the aware, unafraid you.
    I hope you are well today!


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