But, I am still a crackhead.
Thursday found me with an unexpected $30.00.
What does a crackhead do with unexpected money. Well, he buys crack with it.
So I did.
Yesterday, thanks to my neighbor, found me with another $20.00. True to my twisted way of looking at the world, I bought a twenty piece with that as well.
So, while not a success in regards to holding money and not buying crack with it, things could have been worse. I was actually pretty loaded on Friday night, but not so much as to get into too awful much trouble. Just the usual obnoxious self that I am when toasted. No one gets too insulted or upset, but then again they might be too polite to say they were insulted.
Labeled mostly harmless and a bit funny when I'm high.
Not from the crack, but more from the booze and pot.
But a bit of vodka before fueled my wanting to get a rock. A bit of weed afterwards eased the jones when the crack was finished. A little more vodka and trying my best to be a polite host and later a polite guest at my other neighbors home kept me from getting into too much trouble. Emily Post and Miss Manners (Judith Martin) both would have had a heart attacks though.
At least I didn't get punched.
Now is the time where lists need to be made. Bills again, that have to be paid including some mounting expenses for medical crap. Food shopping happens as well, and I need to inventory more carefully as there is now more than I can use that hopefully won't spoil before it's used.
With that said, it's been one step forward and two steps back. It could well be that that is the way it will always be, but there is one thing that is always in the back of my mind.
I just have to keep walking.
EC, like the new nick.
ReplyDeleteReporting in:
I became very tolerant to the baclufen. So my MD suggested therapy as well and gave me depakote. I relaly haven't "felt it" but i have notice my tendencies toward mania and drepression, which are Bi-polar-like symptoms so i checked myself in to the ONLY FN program in KC which is NOT based on 12-steps. I've made it almost 6 days! It's been years. I have to keep pushing the mental health issue on the couselors/professionals which have the tendency to slide me into the addict ONLY category. I have been doing that without any measurable success. I feel good exploring the mental health aspects, most often than not i have found myself depressed or manic and or angry and this has really helped with that...i have 7 years of AA/NA witch-doctoring and that was more than ENOUGH to seek evidence based treatment. But sitting in sessions with other BPD, Personality disorders, PTSD, Manic Depressives and alike i find more helpful than people labeling themselves each time we speak with derogatory terms. I find myself explaing to the counselors which continually pressed the 12-steps and told them what it was like going to aa intensively, hiding the fact that i was in need of prescriptions (i don't like taking pills but they help apparently even though i don't feel any effect - no high?) i don't like smoking or shooting crake either-it doesn't help but i did.
But as i now look back and have known for awhle using coke allowed me some relief - the next day i knew and felt i was at a bottom. Without it it the depressions made if feel/seem like the depression was bottomless. ANd now the racing thoughts have become apparent and that i know now i shouldn't do ANYTHING until i realize and act upon slowing and still the mind. the pills help me do that it was not something that was doable before...
that is the question i pose to the pros too is does it really matter which came first or if my use even yesterday causes bi-polar...shouldn't we still treat the bi-polar. And then i follow up with the dpressive thought that nay long term use and i am long term and intense make almost physically (brain-wise) IMPOSSIBLE FOR RECOVERY. the brain/chemistry is damaged...so what if i use...i aint going hurt anymore nor short term miraculously heal if i don't use we're looking at NEVER-EVER mental/physically recovering...so why on earht shouldn't i find medically and proven ways to deal with daily living as a DUAL DIAGNOSED? I ask them not to make me lable myself as a addict and then i ask them who profess 12-stepsm what is the difference between and alocholic and addict. And keep stressing honest and evidence. I tell them i am not an addict because i am not using. I am a cancer patient if i don't have cancer. I am not in recovery either-i have had behavioral problems for which i am seeking help.
Whether on not addcition is an illness/disease doesn't really matter-its find alternate behavior and digressing into labeling help from their clinical standpoint, it does me more harm than realizing this is choice based - MY DECISION p if i am not currently ingesting the intoxicant.
And for a change these particular set of non-12-step based professional haven't thwon me out like all the other "treatment" programs, these are a non-profit-hey take anyone. I just happend along to find this program (reDiscover - lee's summit) through your, mine (our) evolving network of people asking "might there be another way other than the shame/guilt based recovery industry (Bill W legacy) which DOESN'T WORK for us 95% .
peace.love and as always your friend,
kc
KC!
ReplyDeleteIt's good to hear from you. I would also like to say that I am happy you are pushing your health issues first. BP is serious shit and self medicating with cocaine, while offering very temporary relief is not the cure-all we need.
Yeah, no buzz with the meds they sometimes give us, but in many instances those meds do slow down or diminish cravings or lessen the high from the crack. But keep in mind, those drugs don't work overnight. I have got to give them a chance to work. While a month is a long time to us crackheads, see if you can try to stay clean until you can really judge the prescribed drugs effectiveness.
To those of you who say, "What's this try shit?" For many of us, stringing a week together is almost impossible without either being broke or in a facility to keep away from our poison of choice.
Great going KC!
Thanks EC, your writing and quick comments are so very helpful.
ReplyDeleteI took the weekend to go to the lake, ($70 in pocket) i really started to trip downtown and see dude, but the talking to pros really made a diff.
You are so right about the wait and see and jsut string a few days then wks and maybe just maybe 30 days.
It is also really nice to be around the others within the PHP group...its good to see how acute i COULD be and how much further down i could've went and still go. And how far i have come too.
I see my use not more as a COMPULSION, and i STRESS this to the pros at the center. I don't really obsess, i thnk you understand more than others without great explanation, its more that the notion is there and then I am IBI bait.
I am using the the continuum (3) 1-10 (manic/depression) - 1-10 ANXIETY-and- 1=10 anger. THAT IS SUCH A GREAT TOOL! if i take note of these numbers i am more likely not to be at dude...at least so far, maybe when i get back to work that'll change back to the old way...but so far this is the FIRST VACATION in a decade in which i haven't been tweaked on day one.
Persoanly, i believe, I am a little OCD and a lil PTSD i think but the tools were never provide in the XA's and in fact i would be told not to say anyting about this within ANY of the old XA groups to which i called home. So, while they (the professionals at the institution) are all so used to telling people to go to tsf they hardly can believe that i asked specifically for no tsf. The are all so surprised to find they can't find ONE! I told them i'd more more than happy to go inpatient for a year if they can find one which is nsf OR not cost prohibitive.
Day three towmorrow, but i did have a 2 on the compulsion scale on the way home today, but my anger level was at a 2 as well. My landlord wants this and that, my payroll check has somehow disappeared???? and work wants a fax for the IRS- i was a bit overdrawn because of hardship withdrawal for school 2 years ago- but now the IRS is happy and in fact the owe me $119. So I am going to bed now clean and well fed. I spent the evening with my DAUGHTERS laughing and doing homework.
I was thinking about your son too today...hope all is well with him/you.
I am too showing my oldest daughter how much work the it takes to get over my bad decision to use drugs...one bad decision and it could take your life or take a helluva lot of work to change it. and even then could take your life.
peace.kc