Wednesday, September 15, 2010

I really want to get toasted.


I did smoke crack on Friday and on Saturday as well. And the stuff is now out of my system so far as the actual drug and related metabolites that have been swimming around in my blood stream. The let down from using has passed and I am not all that depressed at the moment.

Well, certainly not as depressed as I felt Sunday and Monday.

The way I felt those two days was the "I really don't even want to get out of bed" type of depressed feeling. I also did drink some of my neighbors vodka on those two occasions that crack was being ingested as well. That only seems to compound the problem, so no more of that shit.

We'll see if that sticks.

A little weed on Saturday, essentially roaches and a few small buds I found after doing a bit of cleaning up around here helped a little. But over those two days little gave me joy of any sort.

Even the Steelers overtime win didn't do much for my disposition.

That's scary.

Some online conversations with online friends did lighten my mood to a certain degree, but my tolerance for online conversations tends to be short at times. Especially when I'm not in a proper frame to enjoy the jokes and witticisms that fly back and forth.

To those who endured my bad puns, silly jokes and at times outright obnoxiousness,

But at this moment, and actually for the past two days I have wanted to get high. Not smoking weed, but taking some big hits on a crack pipe. And as I have mentioned in the past, these cravings don't pass in a half hour as some experts would like you to believe.

They wax and wane, the cravings that is, but never really go away. Always a bit of tugging and twisting in my gut, at the back of my mind, always talking to me, tapping me on the shoulder, whispering in my ear. Nudging, cajoling, helping me figure out that if I did this and then that happened I might have enough cash on hand for a twenty or so.

But right now, I ain't using. Right now my resolve not to make a call to get a couple of bucks from my "banker" is stronger than the fucking crack whispering to me. Next week it'll be a whole new story with the cravings there as well, but next week things will be too easy to keep me from making the call.

So, now the usual process of preparing is starting. You know, lists and other things that will ensure at least my roof, my food and other basic requirements are met. I have to get my house in order so that I can't tear it down, as has happened in the past. In reality I am more nervous of possible outcomes than I am after the shit has hit the fan.

But today I'm really glad in a way that I haven't sufficient cash on hand to get a rock. The reason I'm glad is quite simple. I really want to get toasted.

Makes perfect sense to me.


  1. Sm2- I really want to medicate as well. 10 weeks sober and I have struggled to get here. Thanks for the post. Thanks for allowing me to post some of my stuff too. Be well.

  2. SM2 - Your comments are always welcome. And if what you are doing is working for you, keep doing exactly that. 10 weeks is nothing to sneeze at, regardless of how you got to that point. Do a little research on "PAWS." That Post Acute Withdrawel, which might well be what you are experiencing. I've never been there, but from what I have read and heard from others, that may well be where you're at right now. It is not a sign of working a "bad program" but a phase one goes through when their drug is taken away.

  3. yummy a bit hit - yummmmmmy, yum, yum.

  4. or is nom, nom, nom , nom, more appropriatus?

    i went by the old neighborhood and saw some old friend at the store and the turned out to be smoking crack. they offered me a 8 hits total at different times. I'd watch them take BIG hits, and just absolutely tweak out - you know look around for cameras and a tweak around go through drawers/cabinets. I ended up doing something like 4 or 5 hits (small). They kept stealing them (all or partially) back. Funny. I wasn't or am not mad-this was last thursday. but i spend no money and well got to see myself - a big hit- why tf, do i always want that one "big hit" i know and see what it does?

    One who could handle it better, took such a big - started just dripping with sweat from and nearly passing out-very'd been a long time since i'd seen others take hits-its usually been a solitary thing for me lately.

    It took forever for him to come down enough for me to tell him i was leaving-and mostly actually glad i was.

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  6. oh one last thing. i saw the one on the end of a three day run. he used to be pharm rep. he made really good money. he had gambling issues to at the boats. their house is torn-up now, and in foreclosure. piles of old furniture and junk in the middle so you can walk around the outside or walk way through the piles (three story house). Gawd. Maybe that is why i really don't want to "own" stuff any more? Comments?

  7. KC - Oh man. I just gotta' laugh, been there a few times myself. "Hey man, have a hit!" then look at the crumbs they throw at ya'. But remember, the first ones are always free.


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