Yes, there are people who do get it, and get what I am trying to do with this blog.
When you click on the title, you'll see why in many respects I am surprised at some comments and reactions I have gotten because of this blog. It's that stigma thing that junkies, crack heads and your down and dirty drunks have to carry around with themselves. It's theirs as well as my cross to bear.
Let me start out by saying that whatever it is that I may be or have or whatever the correct or fashionable thing to say is, I am not contagious. You will not be doomed to a life of hustling, conniving, deceiving or stealing to keep the flow of crack coming your way. Exchanging emails, IMs, phone calls or even hanging out with me will not put you in any sort of jeopardy to smoke crack or do anything that one really wouldn't want to do.
It is also understood that I won't even consider turning someone onto that poison. It wouldn't matter how much money you brought with you or how much you insist that it would not effect you negatively. It would in some measure fuck up your life, trust me on that one.
Most crack smokers look at that the same as I.
This blog though has helped to some degree in weakening that stigma associated with crackheads. At least it seems that way to this crackhead. This is not a one man crusade to redeem all crackheads everywhere. This is not even a crusade for redemption of this crackhead.
It is though a means of letting people know what life is like for someone with apparently deep seeded dependency issues when it comes to this drug. Erie Crackhead is also trying to do this as honestly as he knows. No glamorization, no details on how to score, no war stories that at times make me want to go out and get a rock. Actually, war stories are one of the reasons I no longer attend 12 step meetings.
If there has been any dishonesty in this blog, it's been more of the lies through omission sort of thing. Part of that is for the readers protection and to be perfectly honest, part is for my protection. Also putting too much out there may be harmful to some who have never, and may never read this blog.
But the nicest things experienced from this undertaking and the modest way that this blog has been "promoted" has been from the people who have taken the time to see who it is that is really peeking out from behind the curtain. The kindness, the caring, the encouragement and the humor folks have brought to me have been more helpful than many of the hours spent with most therapists.
I am grateful for those who have been able to look beyond the label and to see the person.
Now about this honesty stuff. I haven't taken a hit since last Thursday. Before you start patting me on the back, it should also be mentioned that I did get ripped off yesterday trying to get a small package. So, it is more by accident than by design that I did not get high yesterday.
That's sometimes how it goes when you're a crackhead.
GANKED..i hate it when that happens!
ReplyDeleteI got a chunk of moth ball once and was so fn needy i hit it...man. Sorry war story...the point for me is the neediness. It was cause i had already started and this is a great reminder of the overwhelming need which i can never fukfil...not a typo. We crackheads know.
Its so blackhole consuming i still catch myself trying to not fall asleep, even though i haven't hit anything and in that millisecond...crackmonster emerges.Hungry, starved it wants to sink it grinding teeth into flesh and bone and crunch and crack.
Whoa me. wtf? i'm ok. what... no. I ah... Oh...just no. Choices in the eternal now.
Fn ganked again, fuckers.
Oh one more story. i shot up powder soap not once but twice-in a row. Cause of the need and the disbelief. Left a clean taste of ivory though. FUCKERS!
LOL. Sorry EC this was for me.
Night.
SM2-I know for certain I am crazy, so here is one crazy thought......when I would also try and score......and things did not turn out and I was forced to stay sober just that day.....the next day with some clarity and a word from a sponsor, thought hey that was out of my control.....maybe just maybe a power greater then myself was looking out for me. I know, crazy 12 step talk. Just my .02 cents.
ReplyDeleteI hope you are able to score next time. Good luck.
I often ignore my own advice when it comes to scoring crack. Never buy from a smoker. I did it wrong and will add it to the tally sheet.
ReplyDeleteNext time I'll be more cautious with my limited resources.
The stigma of addiction is very real.I am social worker who has worked with a wide variety of client populations. I find it very concerning when I hear "professionals" foster the belief that all addicts are dishonest etc. One of my biggest complaints is when the arguement is made that it's "their fault forever picking up in the first place"! I certainly can't believe that anyone would pick up a crack pipe or any addictive substance thinking "YEA IT'S BEEN MY DREAM TO BECOME AN ADDICT"! Yes addicts and be a bitch to work with(at times). However, when anyone to trying make effective in the choices they make it is truly is difficult and when "professional's" make the choice to work in social services they/we need to not make general judgements against the individuals we say we want to help! Is is frustrating when the people we work with keep making poor choices regardless of our best efforts; yes it is but it's part of the job!!
ReplyDeleteWe all have to make choices every day,some good and some bad. We don't have to like some of the choices our friends/family/clients make. We should/can never think that because they made a bad choice that they are not worth our time,concern and respect as fellow human beings.
Erie Crackhead, you are doing a really good thing sharing your thoughts, struggles and success. I hope that you can take pride in what you are doing. While not everyone can "get it" just know I truly think that you can open some minds and someone who see's only an addict will see the person.
Good luck!!
god I just re-read my post! Sorry about the typo's, SP. I have worked since 10am and not getting off for a few more hrs. The price I pay for working in a Transitional Living Center.(when my front desk staff has emergencies)
ReplyDeleteAgain Good luck!
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI ask me, what if one is not able to "score" from an HP/Sponsor? Isn't it still willpower or a choice when it comes right down to it? Why all the 1-12 busy work? My 2 part answer for me is a misguided 'Protestant work-ethic.' The need to dwell in past/future a need to be not good without an "I," soul purification (salvation -salivate :-P), among other non-acceptance of how it is. Therefore leading to the thoughts which seem to endlessly think themselves. My solution is to use modern tools and ancient tools to still ones frantic outsides-let things happen around me and not to me and see. My observation is things i thought i need to make amends/beat myself for were most times trivial to others or gifts. My intention (in this country intention is not as good as result) I tend to need to get the BIG PICTURE a WORLD VIEW not just the 3 Gawd Combo Platter Du Juer (judeo/muslim (muslims have to believe in christ and virgin)/Christian).
ReplyDeleteIsn't the need for a mtg/sponsor/busy-work the same addictive pattern? For me the answer is yes a endless circle of suffering i need to find relief from. And aversion, 12-step talk, is more adversely powerful than the substance (speech/thinking) of use/abuse, therefore leading to the same issues having uncontrolled (malcontrol) depression/mania/anxiety/anger, not being truthful to myself, being free from needing (eg mtg, sponsor controlling of others and having someone/thing control me). Allowing myself to make/learn from mistakes.
EC, you're real, you are helping you and mostly free of delusion-those are BIGGIES and a great example of 12-step-free.
SM2-WOW KC that is some confusing shit. Anywho. You're right....if all that works for you AWESOMENESS MAN......I guess I ( I I I ) just want to help, not wanting to control, I realize it is true if it works for you that isall that matters. I simply want to keep it simple. You really go very deep and to quite an extensive point to point out how easy it is to disbelieve in a HP/sponsor/mtgs. Sure they can become addictive too....same with anything, however is it not something healthier? Sure, I still go and I still go to see a PHD as well, but to need to be put on some kind of substance to control my addiction, well I suppose that too is out of my control. If the PHD, things I need it then I suppose I will cross that road when we come to it. Until then, I will keep trudging the road of happy destiny, who knows after a bit I will come to the same realization as you and others and balk at the 12 step. Peace.....oh btw, we are all real here not just EC, I enjoy and respect everyones thoughts here.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous - You are a social worker who get's it! Thank you for not becoming desensitized to the plight of those junkies, crack heads and stew bums that come through your doors and continue to recognize that they are people. Some have had lives and are trying to rebuild their lives.
ReplyDeleteSome will succeed if they have a goal, or a life to return to that offers more than what they are trying to escape.
Also, this is a non-judgemental zone.
Typos included.
KC & SM2 - What works for you works for you...Focus on yourselves and things will get better. Maybe.
ECH- thank you! Focus on me, great advice.
ReplyDeleteSM2