Thursday, October 7, 2010

I'm sitting in the library.

And the change of scenery is wonderful. Sitting in my apartment is depressing at times, even with all the distractions which I have to occupy myself.

Yesterday my neighbor came by with his bottle and a few bucks. He asks me if I want to borrow some money so I can get some crack. I do what all crackheads do when faced with that offer. I took his money.

Now, let's get one thing completely straight here. I am going to pay my friend back every nickle. Besides he has a mind for money, how much he's owed, how much he owes and everyone involved in those transactions. That ability has proven itself regardless of how fucked up drunk he is. I mean the guy has handed me $20.00 then immediately passed out on my kitchen floor, and pisses his pants, wakes up after I've smoked all my crack and stagger to his apartment.

He'll ask a few days later if I was paying him back that twenty on Saturday or Monday. Money is coming Saturday, Don. Not that I would cheat him for the few dollars he lends. It just isn't enough to create problems over.

On the other hand I know crackheads that would beat you for your last 5 bucks if they could. That's how stupid their mind gets when things get rolling and they are crazy craving just one more hit. Then that one more hit turns into another just one more hit and that shit can last for days.

It's amazing how far a crackhead can go with little resources and a jones to keep them running. Many years ago, when I was in Florida to "recover" I went out with $47.00 and managed to stay high for 3 days. I had help with that, a vehicle to get around in and other crackheads who knew people who knew people who...

And the most I'm going to say about that is at least one crack dealer got beat for more than a few bucks worth of shit.

But today is the first nice, sunny, almost warm day we have had in Erie for it seems nearly a week. I'm out amongst people, getting some fresh air and not really caring a wit at the moment for a hit.

Things change, but at the moment things are good...

Or as my friend says, Better is Better. And it certainly is today!


  1. Fresh ir and sunshine!!! Just checking in it has been a while. I checked into a halfway house...just because i felt my grip on the bi-polar part slipping away....i feel better now but in no way do i like the halfway house. However, it is like watching rehab on 3d tv. I haven't; used mind you i a good while but it is nice to see those around me with their jaw a gnawing and well it helps me to keep just a little cleaner a little longer.

    I am however, required to attend 5-6 AA mtgs a week. Wow. XA is such a freeaaaaaking cult, chanting and all that amen brother and RELIGOUS shit. I can't believe the people in XA don't see themselves as being religious or a cult member? AMAZING!!!

    Anyways gota go, curfew!!

  2. KC- why am I even bothering.........that is just your opinon of are certainly entitled to it. As the BB says....""usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves" Are the ones who can not follow the simple program of recovery. Go on, knock it. You bitch and moan about your ways or the ways other than XA are far better. Good. Go on and do them, write a book and become the next B. Wilson of the time. You seem to have all the techniques down pat. If it works for you, right.......however your the one in a half way house....ass.

    You think you are the 1st and only one that can not grasp the idea of XA. Sadly you're not. XA, certainly has lost its recovery % in the last 40 years as compared to the orgins. Get back to basics. THERE ARE MANY SICK XA groups out there.


  3. Oh, better is better......good mantra.

    Yeah ECH.........was nice to see the sun. Glad you were able to get outside of your apartment and your head.


  4. Oh, no, I have to ask: what is XA? Xanax addicted?

  5. No, XA simply encompasses all the different 12 Step programs that are based off the original AA, such as GA for Gamblers Anon.....etc.


  6. Life sure has gotten complicated since I left the scene. Thanks for clearing that up, SM2. Back to lurking.

  7. KC - I am no fan of 12 step groups. With that said, there are people who are happy with the meetings and all the rest that go along with that particular path. If someone is not hitting a pipe, I really don't care how that feat is achieved, it is just that AA or NA didn't work for me. I am also not alone with that, but that's the way of the world. We're all different and we all have the option to take different paths. Also, if there are any SOS or SMART Recovery meetings close by, check them out and find out of they are acceptable alternates to your required meeting attendance.

    SM2 - Nevermind. If things are going well for you, keep doing it. But I might also point out that this site isn't actually a great place for doing 12 step stuff. Be well! And yes, it is nice to see and feel the sun.


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