Sunday, January 30, 2011

On being inconvenient.

There have been times that there have been inconvenient people in my life. So I understand the concept all too well. You may know what I mean, if not let me explain. There have been people who show up at an event or certain place at the entirely wrong time. Their presence creates situations that might require way too much explaining or their behavior is less than what many might consider proper social protocol.

Running into inconvenient people has also happened just driving down the wrong street with someone "normal" in my car. Street dealers or just people on the street who knew me, or my car would shout my name out loud, thinking I was in the area to score drugs. It also stimulates ones creativity.

I now have almost as many lines of bullshit as L. Ron Hubbard has written books since his death. As a friend once put it, "if bullshit were music, you'd be a brass band." Now I'm cursed with "Stars and Stripes Forever" running through my head at times.

The thing is that I am now the one who is an inconvenience to some people who were part of my life or I was part of theirs. Wedding have happened, children were born, people have passed and other life events that in my past life my participation was expected. Indeed in some cases, my presence was more than welcome.

The fact of my status was again brought into focus when a member of my extended family, or more correctly ex-family passed away.

I have an aversion to going to funeral home viewings. I have also learned over time that one went to those things not so much for the dead, but for the people who are left behind. So I mentioned that I might have a hard time getting to the funeral home, and basically was told not to worry about it.

I then suggested that a sympathy card was probably in order. The response to that was that maybe just posting an entry in the online guest book would be just fine. Something that could be made to disappear when the next link was clicked. At that point it became apparent what had become of me.

My presence or even physical evidence of my existence has become well, inconvenient.

There will be certainly those who say this all so much bullshit. Fact is though, the very best bullshit is wrapped around a kernel of truth. There may be a bit more than a kernel in this though...

Now cuing up "The Minnesota March."


  1. So your ex-family doesn't want you around. Think of it as freedom. Since a bunch of shit landed on me starting in 2008, I've pretty much abandoned a whole lot of people to whom I don't want to explain what the fuck happened to me. Some do wonder why I don't return their phone calls or emails, I'm sure. I'm sure some even "love" me and wonder "what's wrong," even though, well, nothing's wrong.

    I'd like to be forgotten, frankly.

  2. To a degree, I agree with you. 10 years ago, I probably would have agreed with you 100%. Time has a way of softening that view. The funeral thing, which in hindsight was something my presence would not have enhanced, just triggered something that reminded me that while I have thrown away people, some have indeed thrown me away as well. Part of me is OK with that fact.

    There are indeed those whose curiosity about me is simply a device to make themselves feel better about themselves. There is the being nosey factor to consider as well. Hearing about this ones condo on the beach and that ones promotion interests me little. Then at the end of this ridiculous litany of venomous cheer hearing, "Are you being good?," pisses me off to no end.

    On the other hand, without being specific, there may well be events in your future that being excluded from and indeed kept a secret from you that will tear your heart out.

    Like the tune says, "broken hearts are for assholes," there are no worries here, as I no longer have a heart.

    Trust me on that...

    Then again this may be, as a friend would say, just blah, blah, blah. It might be my mood today, as there are times I just don't care. Given enough money and a reliable number, I can fix that too...

  3. I am sorry you are feeling the rejection. But why not? It is a little part of the price every addict has to pay. This ride is not for free. Not to worry. It will get much worse.
    There is such a thing as balance in the universe. The Navajo call it Hozhò. Walk in beauty, EC!

  4. Heh. The post was an observation, not a feeling. Your continued well wishes for me do provide some balance, but there is no such thing as balance in the universe. It's all random crap. But much to your disappointment, there are facets of my life that are improving. I try to be careful of those I let around me, weeding out the negative energy some try to feed me or avoiding those who think they can cure me. (Although the ones who thought they could fuck me to "sobriety" were fun for awhile.) The key for me is accepting what is and not dancing to someone else's tune.
    On that note, have a Happy Day!


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