Monday, August 29, 2011

I really do hate...

Reformed smokers and reformed drinkers.

The thing is that they tend to think everyone else should be just like them. Their bright smiles as they spout their new found religion does get maddening at times. In a way, it all reminds me of someone trying sell Amway.

It really isn't soap they are trying to sell you.

With mixed feeling I am confronted with a sober Don. He hasn't had a drink in about 10 days. He tried to say almost a month, but I pulled the calendar out on him. I'll give him two weeks, based on when I was last aware that a bottle was bought.

I am happy in one sense. He is healthier looking and is getting out of his apartment on a daily basis. The down side sort of, is his dragging me out with him on the excursions. Yes, I know getting out is good for me, but I like to do shit on my terms.

The up side, and there are many, but in particular is Don has bought lunch for me on a couple of these trips. One place was a rather nice restaurant downtown in the old Boston Store. 'Under the Clock" is the kind of place I used to frequent in my old life. The other day going in there made me as nervous as a whore in church.

Perhaps I should say as nervous as me in church.

Sitting in there put an old perspective on my view of the world. It made me sad, mad and scared me as well. I got a bit of a taste of how some people view those on the street. A little bitter to say the least. It also brought back to mind some things lost. Not things so much, but...

There is an ulterior motive to Don's inviting along at times. He has money so he has been buying common sense things for his apartment. Because of his disabilities he has a hard time carrying these purchases. So I make myself useful and bite my tongue when I am tempted to say "Yes, Boss. No, Boss!"

I did make one mistake in this effort to cheer lead Don though... "If you ain't drinkin', I ain't crackin'!"

There is a benefit to me in that I can't borrow money from him for a few hits. Lack of a ready source of back up cash will make calling the Dude a little more less frequent. Calls offering fronts will also be easier to decline as well. Other resources are running low so....I have been hitting a bit more conservatively.

What Don doesn't know won't hurt him and I'm not going to clue him into what I'm doing.

Because we all know crackheads lie.

Mostly to ourselves.

Monday, August 22, 2011

But not all bad.

It's been a funny week...

Good things and bad things but, as I've come to discover, it's all about balance.
Honestly though, it could be much worse.

Left to my own devices, worse can be the case.


I did, indeed, take up The Dude on some small fronts.

Take a few of those, and they add up, but I have been more conservative in what I ask for, and the frequency. Phone rings, and the last reply was, "I need a break."

And I do need a break.

But everything will be covered, and inner determination has taken over to a degree.

I have noticed a change in my personality 48 to 96 hours after my last hit . Not a positive change either. Again, I believe there are some who understand that, and ignore my ignorance.

I get honors in ignorance and snarkiness on occasion.

Part of my snarkiness has been due to my neighbor, Don.

His health is truly crap, so bad that he can't even walk 100 yards without stopping to catch breath...

He's moving now, as it's been close to week since he's had a drink. He's become a bit more social.
I tend to isolate when the shit is in and working it's way out of my system.

So it's been three, four days in a row that he's been here for coffee.

As an apology for handing him a ration of shit about his neediness, I made him dinner tonight.
A jar of Alfredo sauce, a couple of cans of chicken and a chopped up hot pepper over noodles is comfort food to me.

He didn't appear to dislike it, either...

He has gotten me out, and I encourage him to do the same.

It's a double edged sword, as he is now wanting to stock up on some items other than Vladimir and, since he has those physical problems, I get invited to come along to help get the stuff back to his home. There are times, because of that accident I had, that moving is not much easier for me.

But I

So, last Friday, Saturday and Sunday, we went on these little safaris. For food, for smokes, for soda, and all the other incidentals he's stocking up on now.

While always an adventure, it can get tiring. I'm forced to wait while he takes a break.
Those stops try my patience, as I am not one for standing still.

I feel like a high school track coach.
"Come on Don, you can sit when you get to that sign..."

With all the activity, and Don's somewhat tenuous grasp on sobriety, my frustration with myself, and with others, has shone through. My own limitations, and my irritation at myself, have me taking it out on others from time to time.

Misplaced anger staves off the depression.

That goes right along with my sometimes not all that subconscious jones.

I do have outlets for that in a sense, through the insanity I engage in online, but I often forget that those people are real people as well.

Sometimes it's best to suspend reality in that somewhat healthier outlet. There are dangers there, but I've managed to avoid most of the traps; traps mostly set by myself.

I know full well that there are those amongst you who know exactly what I'm talking about.

In the midst of all this bad attitude, sunshine does fall.

It came again today through the mail.

People who know me from little more than the words we exchange see in me what I cannot see myself. Packages come that are packed with more than the items they contain, things that may never be able to be repaid or returned in kind. except the spirit in which they are given.

But I can, and I do pay forward.

Moo was treated to some toys and some treats.

Ron was given things I won't eat.

I truly think the sender knew exactly what they were doing...

The caring, and perhaps even more, that went into that box did something for me that mere things can't accomplish.

The gentle buzz provided didn't hurt either.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Getting uncomfortable

I have had problems with focus and purpose. Staying on track and simply just saying no has been difficult as well. Money borrowed and fronts given are causing increased unease in my situation. Trust from others is being tested and I don't like where I have put myself.


I haven't felt this much unease since I've been in Dallas. Life for me there was indeed insane. To a great measure the things that happened there are not taking place in Erie. The thing though is that I am slipping in many ways. Saying no is not part of my vocabulary.

Now to be certain, some things will not happen here. I am not connected in the same ways I was in Dallas. I don't have 8 different numbers to call when I want something. I don't have people unexpectedly knocking on my door or calling at 3 in the morning to come by to smoke.

That is a good thing for me and my relationship with my neighbors.

Dude calls and I tell him, "I'm out of cash for a bit." The response lately has been "I've got you." I don't need to hear that from him. I really don't want to get stretched out for funds. I don't want to owe him and I don't want to lean on others for cash to cover my habit.

But I certainly have done just that.

The results are that I have been depriving myself from things that are truly enjoyed. I am also, to a degree, playing with my sanity. I am stretching into a realm that is edging towards a disconnect with the rest of the world. I fear at times the result will be another visit to the rubber room. problem with that is they usually just tell me to go to a rehab and load me with drugs that are either ineffective or as damaging as the crap that comes off the street.

But the wiring in my brain has certainly been altered and I continue to tinker.

There are those I talk with about this to some degree. But in reality it is really up to me. No one else can say no for me. No one else can prevent the bizarre twists I put into my life. No one else can pick up the pieces of Humpty falls off the wall. And oddly enough, even Moo disappears when I take a hit.

Then I hear every little creak and she plays with the plastic grocery bags under a work table.

Well, she's having fun.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

I did take my own advice...

That is a rarity. Things I tell others way too often apply to myself. I just don't take my own advice. On the other hand, I'm not certain that all that much advice or suggestions I dole out to others is taken for that matter.

It's worth exactly what is charged for it...

But I did get out a bit more than I had in awhile. Stopping by the Mission for lunch was an adventure of sorts. There were a lot of new faces, but a few of the regulars were there as well. One lady was trying to organize a trip to Cedar Point. She had some deal on tickets and hopefully a few were able to take advantage of the trip.

One fellow was having an animated conversation with another buddy. The conversation seemed to continue when his friend picked up and went on his way. Sadly, there are more than a few people talking to themselves or anything that will listen in this town.

One of the days, I arrived a little late for lunch at the Mission . Partly my fault for not getting started early enough. Partly Don's fault, as he stopped by for coffee. I am not going to complain too much though. Getting Don to travel any distance, as in from his apartment to mine, is a victory of sorts.

Also the volunteers at the Mission made sure, even though I was late, that I had a plate of food.

They were serving sausage with onions and peppers, along with them little baby potatoes and broccoli. The donuts were gone by the time I arrived, but that was a good thing. I certainly don't need to restart my 3 donut a day habit again.

Neighbors were kind enough to take me to the Erie Blues and Jazz fest on Saturday night. We also crashed a neighborhood party along the route. It's not as bad as it sounds, but we did get a few beers and some freshly fried perch. If you've never had that, you don't know what you're missing.


So going out to the Mission, getting to the Blues Fest and also getting a few more books from the library was part of my activities for the week. Erie, being a tourist type town will have other events that I hope to attend, but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it...

Was the week without crack?

Well, no.

That part is getting troublesome in that the Dude is fronting his product. I would rather pay for shit when I have the cash as credit will most certainly put me in a bad place. Buying drugs on credit is as about as stupid as it gets and I have enough stupid in my life without adding more of that element.

But the motherfucker calls now unsolicited. I tell him I'm short for a few days, or until next week. His usual reply lately has been, "I got ya." Sadly, saying no to those offers have not been part of my vocabulary. Working on not answering those calls might help the situation.

Well, no response is a response in these cases.

Thankfully, Don asked if I needed a few bucks. Who am I to say no? Anyway, fronts to the Dude are now behind me. While I am not much more comfortable owing Don, at least his terms are a bit better. I also don't have to worry about heavy handed collection techniques either if I am a day or so late on payment.

Life, anyways could have been much worse. There is also always room for improvement. By and large though, things are looking up. And "Better is better."

One certain way to make things better would be to clean this pig sty out...