It's been a funny week...
Good things and bad things but, as I've come to discover, it's all about balance.
Honestly though, it could be much worse.
Left to my own devices, worse can be the case.
I did, indeed, take up The Dude on some small fronts.
Take a few of those, and they add up, but I have been more conservative in what I ask for, and the frequency. Phone rings, and the last reply was, "I need a break."
And I do need a break.
But everything will be covered, and inner determination has taken over to a degree.
I have noticed a change in my personality 48 to 96 hours after my last hit . Not a positive change either. Again, I believe there are some who understand that, and ignore my ignorance.
I get honors in ignorance and snarkiness on occasion.
Part of my snarkiness has been due to my neighbor, Don.
His health is truly crap, so bad that he can't even walk 100 yards without stopping to catch breath...
He's moving now, as it's been close to week since he's had a drink. He's become a bit more social.
I tend to isolate when the shit is in and working it's way out of my system.
So it's been three days...no, four days in a row that he's been here for coffee.
As an apology for handing him a ration of shit about his neediness, I made him dinner tonight.
A jar of Alfredo sauce, a couple of cans of chicken and a chopped up hot pepper over noodles is comfort food to me.
He didn't appear to dislike it, either...
He has gotten me out, and I encourage him to do the same.
It's a double edged sword, as he is now wanting to stock up on some items other than Vladimir and, since he has those physical problems, I get invited to come along to help get the stuff back to his home. There are times, because of that accident I had, that moving is not much easier for me.
But I have...tools.
So, last Friday, Saturday and Sunday, we went on these little safaris. For food, for smokes, for soda, and all the other incidentals he's stocking up on now.
While always an adventure, it can get tiring. I'm forced to wait while he takes a break.
Those stops try my patience, as I am not one for standing still.
I feel like a high school track coach.
"Come on Don, you can sit when you get to that sign..."
With all the activity, and Don's somewhat tenuous grasp on sobriety, my frustration with myself, and with others, has shone through. My own limitations, and my irritation at myself, have me taking it out on others from time to time.
Misplaced anger staves off the depression.
That goes right along with my sometimes not all that subconscious jones.
I do have outlets for that in a sense, through the insanity I engage in online, but I often forget that those people are real people as well.
Sometimes it's best to suspend reality in that somewhat healthier outlet. There are dangers there, but I've managed to avoid most of the traps; traps mostly set by myself.
I know full well that there are those amongst you who know exactly what I'm talking about.
In the midst of all this bad attitude, sunshine does fall.
It came again today through the mail.
People who know me from little more than the words we exchange see in me what I cannot see myself. Packages come that are packed with more than the items they contain, things that may never be able to be repaid or returned in kind. except the spirit in which they are given.
But I can, and I do pay forward.
Moo was treated to some toys and some treats.
Ron was given things I won't eat.
I truly think the sender knew exactly what they were doing...
The caring, and perhaps even more, that went into that box did something for me that mere things can't accomplish.
The gentle buzz provided didn't hurt either.
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5 weeks ago