Sunday, September 16, 2012

Have you ever had one of those days...

One of those days when just the effort to get out of bed was monumental?

Yeah, everyone seems to have days like those.

Lately though it seems as though a day or two has been strung together in closer proximity to each other. Probably closer to a few weeks of this shit has been going on for me right now. A down cycle to be certain that might be fueled by my drug of choice and not really having anything pressing happening in life to push me out and about.

This is not to say that staying in bed 24/7 has actually happened, but the prospect of doing just that appear more attractive than moving around. This not to say that going out of doors hasn't happened either, but there has to be a real reason beyond just getting some fresh air to push me out of the door.

When getting out, some doors have been opened not available to me before, the thing is just the effort to get outside are much like the effort to get out of my bed in the morning. Getting to places not seen in some time has been possible. Getting involved in some activities not enjoyed for quite has been possible as well. It just seems that a super sized fire has to be lit under my ass for those things to happen.

Occasionally the match is struck by myself, but more often or not it takes someone else to instigate any action. Perhaps the things I have used to get motivated in the past seem to have lost their urgency. It might also be the lack urgency of those things is the result of the attitude of others who share or shared my interest in those things.

And all I can do is shrug.

There are also those trips that a born out of sheer necessity.

Interaction with other people also seems to be a low priority at this point in time. Even superficial chit chat has seemed to be an effort. Pushing some away, justifiably in my eyes and putting others a bit more on a back burner has been happening more often lately. Suffering fools has been more painful in a sense. Others attitudes or points of view seem to irritate me quicker as well.

Of equal importance is the fear of dragging others into my pit. There is a belief I hold, falsely or not, that this shit is as contagious as happiness. So in that belief, I do hermit up and put myself in a quarantine of sorts. To put people I care about into a funk like this would be cruel.

It just wouldn't be fair to give someone else a case of the sniffles, now would it...

There will those who will say that there are meds you can take this attitude or condition you are going through right now. There are those who may say, well you might want to go talk to your doc or a counselor or some other "professional" in the field.

They will happily prescribe what you need to make your days a bit sunnier. There exists a plethora of pills that will improve your mood and disposition. There are an armful of different pharmaceuticals that will put a bit of a spring into your step. A different drug for a different ailment and if they don't quite cut it, a supplement that will boost the other drugs effectiveness.

This is the thing though, putting that shit into my body just isn't going to cut it for me. For me, and this is not to say that others should not use those medications, but for me, I just can't see putting those drugs into my body. I am afraid that stuff will turn me into someone who is not me.


Stop laughing.

Saturday, September 1, 2012

I know why....

Posting here has been infrequent.

There has been little or no real anger in my life and there is little left to fear, except as FDR put it, fear itself. Nothing exceptional has been happening either. Well, at least nothing that would need to be shared on this blog.

Not that it would matter from the point of view of what is going on in my mind. I still do what it is that drove me to write here in the first place, but the need to even write about that is diminished.

There has been reason lately though for some sort of zit popping, as anger has been slowing building up inside of me. The reason for it is my own doing and has to do with letting my own boundaries down a bit.

I don't don't often let others too close as it does seem to cause more frustration then an opportunity to open up or get close with another person. Getting intimate with people has it's risks. For them and myself as well.

This has been mentioned here before, but a hermit's existence is OK by me.

Also mentioned numerous times before, I don't have or really want many friends. Trust is a big issue. The other is that being alone has it's comforts. While there are times that loneliness may be an issue, there are ways to overcome that, thanks to the technology that is at damned near everyone's fingertips.

There have been articles written and studies done stating that in some measure as we become more connected through technology, we are also further separating ourselves from real human contact. There is a certain comfort with being able to strike up a conversation without risk of really connecting with another person.

This is the thing though, this world seems to have built for me.

It's possible to have shallow conversations with others without the risk of exposing oneself too much. It is possible to play in a fantasy world without the consequences of real life contact. It is a place where one can be witty, charming or disgusting and crude and most of the rest don't really care as long as their personal space or balloons are not pierced.

Occasionally though mistakes are made.

Information is exchanged. Real life conversations are had with others. Experiences to one degree or another are shared. But then you discover, or they discover that the price of giving up some of this privacy was not worth the effort. The gears aren't meshing and it is no fault of anyone.

There are people that I do have deep meaningful conversations and at times they are just surface chatter. Sort of like what's new today conversations just to touch base with each other. Some are damned near daily. Others are perhaps once a week or less. There are others still that may not call, or I call every three to six months.

Hell, there are those that may have contact with me once a year or less. The thing is though the exchanges are welcome and indeed at times needed by either them or me. Importantly though, in all those cases we respect each others boundaries.

There are those cases though, when someone seems to just want to maintain that shallow level of conservation to amuse themselves and inject themselves into or invade my life.

I really don't need that shit.

Getting a message or a text telling me or seemingly commanding me to "tell them something good" is a setup that is better avoided. The temptation to say something unpleasant or hurtful has crossed my mind on more than one occasion. Not to mention that being treated as a sideshow or circus act for one's amusement is distasteful and degrading.

The jokes and other nonsense are for my amusements. Those who get the gags are welcome to laugh along. Being a puppet is not part of my deal though, and those who invade my space to amuse themselves because they're bored or lonely usually get the boot pretty damned quick.

What is amazing to me as I was quite prepared to just let this all drop. But this zit, sitting on the end of nose grew to boil like proportions today. The cause may well have been this well meaning but misguided person who approached me early on yesterday. Sitting, reading, enjoying the sun and the breeze off the water, this fellow came up to me. After exchanging the usual pleasantries ones does with strangers in a public open space, my peace was shattered as they insisted in talking about Jesus.

The pressure is now off, but I'm afraid I've cracked the mirror.