Saturday, September 1, 2012

I know why....

Posting here has been infrequent.

There has been little or no real anger in my life and there is little left to fear, except as FDR put it, fear itself. Nothing exceptional has been happening either. Well, at least nothing that would need to be shared on this blog.

Not that it would matter from the point of view of what is going on in my mind. I still do what it is that drove me to write here in the first place, but the need to even write about that is diminished.

There has been reason lately though for some sort of zit popping, as anger has been slowing building up inside of me. The reason for it is my own doing and has to do with letting my own boundaries down a bit.

I don't don't often let others too close as it does seem to cause more frustration then an opportunity to open up or get close with another person. Getting intimate with people has it's risks. For them and myself as well.

This has been mentioned here before, but a hermit's existence is OK by me.

Also mentioned numerous times before, I don't have or really want many friends. Trust is a big issue. The other is that being alone has it's comforts. While there are times that loneliness may be an issue, there are ways to overcome that, thanks to the technology that is at damned near everyone's fingertips.

There have been articles written and studies done stating that in some measure as we become more connected through technology, we are also further separating ourselves from real human contact. There is a certain comfort with being able to strike up a conversation without risk of really connecting with another person.

This is the thing though, this world seems to have built for me.

It's possible to have shallow conversations with others without the risk of exposing oneself too much. It is possible to play in a fantasy world without the consequences of real life contact. It is a place where one can be witty, charming or disgusting and crude and most of the rest don't really care as long as their personal space or balloons are not pierced.

Occasionally though mistakes are made.

Information is exchanged. Real life conversations are had with others. Experiences to one degree or another are shared. But then you discover, or they discover that the price of giving up some of this privacy was not worth the effort. The gears aren't meshing and it is no fault of anyone.

There are people that I do have deep meaningful conversations and at times they are just surface chatter. Sort of like what's new today conversations just to touch base with each other. Some are damned near daily. Others are perhaps once a week or less. There are others still that may not call, or I call every three to six months.

Hell, there are those that may have contact with me once a year or less. The thing is though the exchanges are welcome and indeed at times needed by either them or me. Importantly though, in all those cases we respect each others boundaries.

There are those cases though, when someone seems to just want to maintain that shallow level of conservation to amuse themselves and inject themselves into or invade my life.

I really don't need that shit.

Getting a message or a text telling me or seemingly commanding me to "tell them something good" is a setup that is better avoided. The temptation to say something unpleasant or hurtful has crossed my mind on more than one occasion. Not to mention that being treated as a sideshow or circus act for one's amusement is distasteful and degrading.

The jokes and other nonsense are for my amusements. Those who get the gags are welcome to laugh along. Being a puppet is not part of my deal though, and those who invade my space to amuse themselves because they're bored or lonely usually get the boot pretty damned quick.

What is amazing to me as I was quite prepared to just let this all drop. But this zit, sitting on the end of nose grew to boil like proportions today. The cause may well have been this well meaning but misguided person who approached me early on yesterday. Sitting, reading, enjoying the sun and the breeze off the water, this fellow came up to me. After exchanging the usual pleasantries ones does with strangers in a public open space, my peace was shattered as they insisted in talking about Jesus.

The pressure is now off, but I'm afraid I've cracked the mirror.


  1. I understand the "hermit" thing all too well, if I didn't need to go out in the real world I wouldn't and at times when I do seek out "real life" human contact, I recoil because I don't even want the commitment of "let's go out to dinner on Friday". Freaks me out. I'd rather be an owner of a lonely heart than that of a broken one.

  2. I "get" this completely. I am happier with myself than with most people and have always said that I would have made a great hermit. I MUST have, however, a little dog or two...

    I wish I had maintained more anonymity on the internet, but I was a newbie and stupid. Too late now...

    1. A dear friend suggested I get a cat. As circumstances developed I ended up with two. While at times they make me want to pull my hair from my head, they have been the source of some joy around here. They don't listen, that's for damned sure, but they really don't talk back either.


This blog is now reopened to comments.