Sunday, April 25, 2010

It's Getting Close.

Yep, it's getting close to payday.

I have plans in place to insure all my bills are paid. Rent, electric, doctor and pharmacy. Things that most definitely need to be covered. Without those financial commitments covered, any semblance of a normal life will evaporate.

Buying enough smokes to get me through until my next check is something that should be done as well. There are friends that will spot me a carton here and there. That doesn't make me feel any better knowing full well that I could have covered those costs before squandering that money on maintaining a buzz.

So again the lists are made.

Groceries to carry me through. Planning in that regard, as well as an occasional visit to a food bank keep me fed. Getting money squirreled away for things and normal life activities beyond the bare necessities has been a problem. It also has been the reason that borrowing for odds and ends, like cigarettes, through the course of a month has been pretty constant.

I don't like owing anyone money. Naturally, even if my bank account isn't overdrawn, those repayments put me behind. Not a lot, but enough.

This month is also complicated by the fact that I may have to return to Dallas this coming month. I really don't want to go. Not going though would mean that some really rotten MFer would get away with doing a serious wrong. This jerk needs to go to prison. I hope to help make that happen.

Another thing to think about while I make my budget.

Another thing to think about before calling my Dude.


  1. Not that you've asked, but here's what i do for the little thing i need throughout the week. I buy prepaid cards, wally card (quicktrip for gas) and walmart cards for smokes and food stuffs i forget).

    Funny how dissimilar our lives are and yet we are the same in just about as many respects. I have a over fulltime time job where they depend on me very much-too much and three daughter whom i see whenever i want through an addiction ended this marriage too.

  2. oh.
    also, those 'good' things though are teetering on the edge again, mostly because of the crackhead in me. I got high saturday $80 and monday $100. I used the excuse "i am on vacation"
    my binges anre never ever fun. they are always the same...IBI (thanks for that lol) are omnipresent. AA was a huge waste of time/energy. No matter the mtg i almost always wanted to drink afterward. Those aa's are really pathetic and yet they have this over the top attitude and i am holy cause HP has removed the obsession...blah blah blah. I really ALWAYS knew (7+yrs) they were only in the game long enough to find the AA addiction. I mean seriously if one hasn't drank in 20 yrs (or since lite beer was invented or the aluminum can) and one still calls oneself an alcoholic-that is sick and there should be other mtgs someone like that can graduate to.

    my only understanding of AA previous to the PO ordering me to it was getting high with people with bb's...i used to call them amateur addicts (AA)...they had to go to mtgs. I always wondered how long before they graduate (i'd ask them that as they took a big hit just to f withem) and then when i went the said "never" and had a good laugh on me. Needless t write but I no longer go...i get the same result if not better not going to those stupid circus sideshow events call mtgs. but hey that's just my opinion.

    ok off the soapbox.

  3. KC,
    I hesitate to say this, but any excess I have is passed on to people I trust. Gas cards, gift cards and the like are negotiable items for crack in this part of the world.
    AA and NA were not a good fit for me and I can relateto what you're saying. SOS was more beneficial in that people there talked about how they kept clean or sober and not about what it was like. What it was like was a trigger as big as having money.
    Writing this blog has done more in reducing my use than any program I've attended. But more on that in my next blog entry.
    Thanks for being here..

  4. Just wondering. The "meetings" were no fit to either of you, I am wondering if you had tried to get a sponsor?? Were you able to open up honestly with them as you have on here? I am certain there are alcoholics and other co-dependents out there that say the same thing about the programs. They certainly do not work, IF you do not work them. They are not a magic pill. I wish we all had one of those.

  5. Anonymous,

    Yep. Had sponsors, worked the steps and was told I didn't belong in AA after 5 years. Encountered more drug dealers outside of NA meetings than in some hot spots in the city.

    Oh! I know you guys hate facts, but these are the facts. The success rate of 12 step programs overall are less than those who quit on their own.

    Thanks for your comments and reading about what life for a crackhead is like.

  6. It is my experience sponsors are THE most dangerous people. AA in general, i found after leaving, is not a place to get better unless I want to be part of fundamentalist fringe Christian cult...then AA would be GREAT.
    I like who i am i know i am different than those people in aa who want me to reframe my past -present-future to be "part of."
    But my experience is just that...AA is not me. AA is for people who need the a debate society...for people who feel the need to tell on themselves....the TRUTH is were are human and we are more alike than different...but we are different. I always "knew" AAs we for the most part a group o people who were stagnating. I was stagnating. Now that's over. But only one person has bother to call me is 7 months after attending nearly 3000 mtgs... and eating and socializing with them. Who needs friends like fact they are more condescending than they were how plausible is that for a way of life...AA SUCKS!
    Not very angry but i do feel deceived and use and more than a little stupid for ever spouting that BS outta the "book."
    But really i have gottn more from talking with a couple three "professionals" and reading my new friend Erie here than I EVER did in AA. They best description I ever got on how aa works is - I dunno jsut work the steps and life gets better...its kinda like magic. Well in my book there is no magic in AA, just controllers, grumpy angry oldtimers and people like who desperately need a way to moderate or stop but was told lie after lie about the program. AA are amatuers which makes them dangerous to a person like me who had a very serious drug/alcohol spite of AA i got better I now see that plain as this beautiful day.even Bill W knew in the end when he was begging for some whisky on his deathbed-AAs are cruel and controlling. Like someone i know said if I am on my deathbed gimme a drink doesn't matter.
    No offense just my truth.


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