Monday, July 5, 2010

Yesterday was Independence Day...

As in the Fourth of July!

Picnics, fireworks and get-togethers and family outings to the zoo or beach.

Well, for most people. I did what I usually do on major holidays. I slept through most of it. The fatigue might well be the new medication I'm taking for diabetes. It lowers your blood sugar and consequently it probably lowers energy levels in sloths like myself. I'm just starting on this road, but with a bit more attention to diet, maybe this will be a wake up call.

Yeah, some more exercise might be in cards as well. They say it helps to boost ones metabolism. It also produces natural chemicals to put you in a better mood. Endorphins and other brain feel good chemicals.

I'm too lazy right now to list them all, but a Google search will get you up to speed.

Of course my sluggishness may be the product of doing some recreational drugs as well. A little beer, a little pot, a little too much crack and a touch of oxycodone.

Basically some vicodens from Don.

This started Friday night with a few beers out of my front door with a few neighbors. A little gathering of the denizens of our little tenement. Some beers, a little weed and a bit of entertainment at the expense of us all. Self deprecating humor is good for the soul.

They didn't smoke any crack. That's exclusively my territory, thank God. If I lived in a building full of crackheads, it would be time to move. Some crack smokers are so leachy.

But the vics do help you sleep, sorta' but waking up bright eyed and bushy tailed can be problematic.

But back to the diabetes thing.

I am going to have to be more selective of the food items I even bring into this apartment. No more ice cream, no more cakes, say good bye to cookies and donuts. No more pre-sweetened cereals and drinks. Well sugar sweetened foods on the whole will have to be avoided.

Just one more thing I have to remember so here it's written down for future reference.

Just one question though...
Why don't I remember the important things at the right time?

I'll just keep working on that...


  1. I will have to make up my mind where I want to post my comments to you. I am in two minds about it, either place presents its own challenges, but the blog is open to me even from behind the walls. I appreciate your trusting me with your other life's story. It caused great tumult in mine yesterday. I have not dealt with these issues for a long time, since September 23, 1973 to be precise. I feel as if I have been called to arms, when it really is not my battle at all.
    So, practicing my patience I will enjoy your writing and not participate in your personal illusions.
    Last night, driving home, I was chanting to myself "I don't know this person at all; I don't know this person at all " while tears were streaming from my eyes. It's an emotional issue, to be sure. Maybe something good will come out of it.

  2. OK...
    One thing that should be pointed out at first. While this blog certainly doesn't have the readership of the Huffington Post, it is nonetheless a public forum open to anyone who stumbles upon it. The blog isn't monetized, commercialized and promoted cautiously in very closed circles. It seems as though there are 10 dedicated followers, but my best guess is that there may be less than a dozen steady readers.
    But again, this is a public forum.
    With all that in mind, it seems I have opened old wounds. For that I'm sorry, but those are your wounds, not mine. I have not been the cause of your past pain but I have caused enough pain in my life for those around me. For that reason, your earlier inquiry as to why I have no relationships with other women should be clear. To be more precise, my relationships with almost everyone is at an arms length, for their protection as well as mine.
    I have been the cause of too much heartache and that will happen no more.
    Even now I am questioning the wisdom of having revealed this site to you and a few others. The risks certainly have seemed to have outweighed any benefit beyond being honest with others as well as myself.
    Your words "I don't know this person at all; I don't know this person at all " touched me on many different levels. To be honest though, there are people who have known me most of my life who have uttered those exact words. So take a number and join the crowd.
    One other thing that must be mentioned, I am in that crowd as well. And as illusionary as this blog may seem to you and others, it is an effort on my part for me to get to know me.


  3. One other thing. Every exchange of ideas, thought, hopes or opinions is beneficial to those involved. We may not like what those things are, but it's all a part of life and learning. Things do work themselves out. We don't always like the results, but things do work themselves out. Maybe I'm naive in that, but I do believe it.

    Happily though, there are still many things that I am naive about. Which only means I have much more to learn.

    And that is not a bad thing.

  4. So much to say, so much to say.
    Two previous comments just blew out into cyberspace before they could stick here. I accept it as a saving grace and will hold back on telling too much now. I have hardly any ideas to exchange, only cautionary tales of great suffering and triumph.

  5. War stories, while maybe cathartic to those who tell them often only lead the listener to crave or worse. The steppers like to tell "what it was like, what happened and what it's like now." All too often the stories told dwelled way too much on the "what it was like." It was almost as though they were glorifying their using and what they went through in their misery.

    I would leave those meetings wanting to be high more than wanting to be straight.

    I do my damnest to not glorify my using. I just present the fact that I may have used in a matter of fact way. There are no pretty pictures to be derived from smoking crack.

    The what happened in their stories was usually an intervention by family or the police. Intervention is a four letter word to me. I also have gotten the impression more than once that intervention was a wasted effort to some.

    Their what is it like now part was almost always a lot of braggadocio about their great job, new spouse and how nice their new house, car or whatever is in their life.

    I was at a rehab once and a volunteer drove into the parking lot in a Porsche Boxster. A counselor, standing with us indulging her own nicotine habit, proclaimed, "That's recovery." I guess I pissed her off when I said, "No, it's a Porsche Boxster."

    What interests me more is how people, without the crutch of psuedo-spirituality or cult influences, made their way to abstinence and what tools they use to maintain that state.

    I also am not above using alternate medications or activities to keep my beast at bay. Some of these things are mentioned in the blog. Despite the claims of some, there may be a silver bullet.

    I also will not say that I will never take another hit of crack. That in and of itself is a setup. I also will not, if and when that next hit is taken, wrap myself up in a guilt trip that others may lay on me.

    My life is not perfect, but it is better. And as a friend is fond of saying, "Better is better."

  6. Aha, so I do not understand smoking crack cocaine.I will have to go study on that subject because never in my life have i heard somebody be so non-chalant about the joneses.This is a take it or leave it drug? How wonderful for all of you. No runny nose, eyes, brain matter? No snakes under the skin? I do not know why I was so worried. You will be fine. Better, man, you will be better.

  7. No runny noses. No dope sickness. Just a psychological pull so strong that some have risked theirs and the lives of others to rob banks or convenience stores to buy more.

    Crazy, huh?

    I have never felt the pull so strong as to commit a crime for a hit. Well, beyond ripping off a drug dealer anyway. But don't think the thought of robbery in some more violent form hadn't crossed my mind.

    That was a very scary time for me.

    One other note:

    I am not the Dallas Crackhead or the West Palm Beach Crackhead because of the drug dealers I have ripped off in those towns.


This blog is now reopened to comments.