Monday, April 25, 2011

Since February 28th

Not much has happened of consequence.

Well, that isn't entirely true as there have people who have entered my life in some measure and some that I have even met face to face. I did go on a short trip to Michigan to take part in Hash Bash. I have also consumed my usual ration of crack during that period of time.

There has been no walking on water or other miraculous events.

Much of my life and interaction with people is on online forums of one sort or another. That is the product of my having a difficult time getting outside whenever the mood hits me. The weather doesn't help that either. Not having a vehicle doesn't enhance the chances of my being out as well.

But have you seen the price of gas?

The people that have to a degree entered my online and to a degree real life run the entire spectrum as well. To casual acquaintances through deep and solid friendship. Most of these people have never sat across from me. In some cases they don't have a clue what I look like nor would I recognize them if we passed on a street. There are a very few who I actually talk with on the phone.

I'm certain the image my voice conjures up is Kermit the Frog.

So, while people actually hanging out with me is rare, but frequent enough for my tastes, it's not like there is no one to talk to should the need arise. So a free flow of bullshit, jokes, gossip and real, real conversations are part of my life.

For that I am grateful.

The trip to Michigan brought me face to face with a character I have corresponded with and spoke to on the phone many times. Sometimes the call is nothing more than "Hey, how you doin'?" In my shoes, sometimes a call from someone like that is huge.

But anyway, I attended an event quite unlike anything I have ever experienced before. It certainly isn't because I have lead a sheltered life, but from not being the right place at the right time. In short, I have never been anywhere where a huge group of people, in the street, in broad daylight, in front of uniformed police and yes God too, smoked, shared and enjoyed cannabis.

Just walking around the street fair, looking over at this kid taking a hit and smiling. Then he smiles and passes his joint to me. The first time that happened in my life. Complete stranger shares his doob with me. I was at first unnerved, but did the puff, puff, passed it back. It was good and I told him so as I thanked him.

What I thought was an isolated incident turned out to be anything but...

On that note I owe a great deal of gratitude to those who pushed and prodded me to take that trip. In many ways it almost didn't happen but there were those who looked at it for me as a "Better that than that" type of thing. Also thanks need to be expressed to those who put me up for the night and tolerated my bad jokes and twisted sense of humor. Most importantly, new friends were made and some friendships strengthened.

Yes, I did get high with a little help from my friends.

Smoking mother nature is miles away from smoking crack. As mentioned earlier, there was plenty of that going on as well. Not at Hash Bash, but before I went and after I had returned. I knew it was going to happen and planned accordingly. It's a plan I will be employing in the future as well.

With a little help from my friends...

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Can a Crackhead be trusted?

Obviously not...

I had made a decision to stop posting to this blog about two months ago. While the reasons for doing so still flit through my mind, those reasons really don't carry the same currency as they did when I posted my last entry.

Things change.

The fact of the matter is that this blog has been one of the few truly healthy outlets for my expressing hopes, fears and frustrations. Not writing here and not getting feedback has left a hole of sorts inside of me. I know what the 12 Step folks would have to say about filling that hole, but that just doesn't cut it for me.

I don't consider myself an atheist, a God of my understanding is still as illusive to me today as it was when I was forced to go to my first 12 step meeting.

That aside, there seemed to be a pressure building as the time passed from my post of February 28th, 2011 until about 15 minutes ago. That's when I started beating on the keyboard to fill this form. The decision to start this up again was not taken lightly either.

I asked people I respect and trust for their opinions.

The responses were by and large positive. I already knew that in some fashion that I would be writing something somewhere. The response I was shooting for from these trusted folks wasn't just a yes or no answer either. I guess some sort of validation was required before I resumed this thing.

Suggestions were made in regards to maintaining focus. Some suggested downplaying the using aspect of my life. Others mentioned the possibility of changing the venue, so to speak. A couple of people suggested reinventing myself.

The thing with that is no matter how I appear to others, I still am just me to me.

One person said, "Why do you care what I think? Just do it..." Another person was "stoked" that I was contemplating a return to posting in this blog. One person simply said that this blog helped them. Considering the source of those remarks, I almost had no choice but to return here.

I am no Maya Angelou, but I think this statement holds true for every single one of us, "There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you." So while posts may not be as frequent as in the past, but they will appear when the pressure of what ever is chewing at me dictates some action. Posting private shit publicly has had it's benefits.

So, with all that said and to those who may have been happy when I stopped posting or are unhappy that I have resumed this blog, I leave you with this:

I am now squeezing my eyes shut tight as I click "Publish Post."