Trials and travails of a crackhead in Erie, PA. Not meant to be a pretty picture, 'cause it ain't. But much like Joe Friday used to say, "Just the facts."
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
I have had problems with focus and purpose. Staying on track and simply just saying no has been difficult as well. Money borrowed and fronts given are causing increased unease in my situation. Trust from others is being tested and I don't like where I have put myself.
I haven't felt this much unease since I've been in Dallas. Life for me there was indeed insane. To a great measure the things that happened there are not taking place in Erie. The thing though is that I am slipping in many ways. Saying no is not part of my vocabulary.
Now to be certain, some things will not happen here. I am not connected in the same ways I was in Dallas. I don't have 8 different numbers to call when I want something. I don't have people unexpectedly knocking on my door or calling at 3 in the morning to come by to smoke.
That is a good thing for me and my relationship with my neighbors.
Dude calls and I tell him, "I'm out of cash for a bit." The response lately has been "I've got you." I don't need to hear that from him. I really don't want to get stretched out for funds. I don't want to owe him and I don't want to lean on others for cash to cover my habit.
But I certainly have done just that.
The results are that I have been depriving myself from things that are truly enjoyed. I am also, to a degree, playing with my sanity. I am stretching into a realm that is edging towards a disconnect with the rest of the world. I fear at times the result will be another visit to the rubber room. problem with that is they usually just tell me to go to a rehab and load me with drugs that are either ineffective or as damaging as the crap that comes off the street.
But the wiring in my brain has certainly been altered and I continue to tinker.
There are those I talk with about this to some degree. But in reality it is really up to me. No one else can say no for me. No one else can prevent the bizarre twists I put into my life. No one else can pick up the pieces of Humpty falls off the wall. And oddly enough, even Moo disappears when I take a hit.
Then I hear every little creak and she plays with the plastic grocery bags under a work table.