Wednesday, October 23, 2013

I have a dream.

"I’m homeless, and I’m an alcoholic. But I have a dream."

"What's that?"

"I want to go fishing."
Stumbled onto this pic on Tumblr. The dialog has been copy/pasted from the site as well.

Needless to say, this kicked me right in the gut. While not homeless and not alcoholic, some things have been put out of reach. Simple things that in the past have given much joy and pleasure. Many things that most of us don't give a second thought to doing, other than budgeting a bit of time.

Not to denigrate or stigmatize alcoholics, I'd rather be what I am and that...

It wanting for those types of things never hits at the right time though. The planning, even minimal thoughts as to what needs to be set aside are set aside by that beast that indeed lives inside of me. There are priorities, you know.  A friend once said that I know the consequences of my behavior and take it in stride.

While that may be true, there are times that the things that are missing hit me right in the face. The desire to enjoy a pastime so cherished in the past comes to haunt me in all sorts of different ways. To have the right equipment and licenses to enjoy this simple activity are bit beyond my reach at the moment.

To say that fishing is the only thing being set aside would be a lie. For some reason though it is one of the things that has been put away. Doing without is one thing that has been mastered. Self sacrifice for all the wrong reasons has been a way of life for awhile now

There are other appetites that need to be fed.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Not sure how to feel about this...

Many people might feel a cold tingling down their spine at the prospects this might present in their life. Some might make nothing or little about this situation. The thing is that there have been movies made and real life murders committed regarding this type of stuff.

The knowledge that there was a large life insurance policy in my name has always existed.

The policy was initially bought to cover business loans in the event of my untimely demise. The business had owned the policy. I had thought that once my presence from that business was terminated, the policy and the need for it would terminate as well.

I discovered awhile ago that the policy was still in effect.

Now, we all know that large corporations do indeed take out life insurance policies on the lives of key employees. Sometimes not so key employees, but it is a practice in our business world.  The initial idea was to cover the costs of training and possible income loss caused by the passing of a valuable member of the team.

In the cold, cold world of make money, make mo' money, that is no longer the case.

It is now the practice of many of these large corporations to continue paying on those policies. It's an investment. A small risk gambling that actuarial tables are on their side. A way to maximize the bottom line by doing nothing more than making token payments with the hopes that the person named in that policy shit the bed earlier than expected.

That's business for you...

There a little twist to this tale though. A twist that has me questioning motives and what is powering the kindness extended to me by others, well one, who has expressed deep loathing and hate for me in the past. A person who has been on one hand helpful on the other has been divisive and coldly calculating.

It appears that this person has acquired ownership of that policy.

Much water has passed under the bridge. Situations that could have put this in an all different light have disappeared long ago, along with all the cash puffed up by myself. There was a time all the financial woes and other perceived wrongs committed by me could have literally and figuratively been paid off.

I didn't do that and instead struck off in a different direction.

Part of it was mainly was the result of the feeling that remained after getting fucked in the ass with a Carborundum Condom.  Details of this are not included, but just lets say instead of getting the shitty end of the stick, all I got was the shit. The other part was being treated as much less than in a venture built from almost nothing but my hands and imagination.  Everybody knows that's exactly the way a crack head should be treated.

So I subscribed to the "Fuck me once, shame on you..."

Getting back to what has me feeling uncertain today, this past weekend, a day after my birthday no less, a balloon was floated by this person. They mentioned that they were considering selling the policy off. While the selling price is at a deep discount on the face value, it would be sufficient to get this person right financially and toddle off to a pleasant retirement.

Imagine my surprise that investment groups now have been set up that will buy these life insurance policies. Death pools, with a handsome payoff once the insured schmuck kicks the bucket.  The only thing required of me is signing off on this and allowing the investment group to peek at my medical information.

Then the statement was made, "You would probably make a fuss." I never knew a fuss could be made until they mentioned that little fact.

I had better watch my step.