Internutz and real life....

I had my profile on Facebook deleted. I'm not entirely sure why, but suspect it was nothing more than being a "fake" profile. Some sort of way to eliminate cyber bullying is the official reason given for these types of deletions. Sadly the reasoning is lost on me as well as deletions to others for things that amount to freedom of speech or expression.

To set up a new profile more hoops had to be jumped through but it has kept me busy to a degree.

Of course the hoops only provide more ways to keep track of us who may have multiple profiles for family, friends and neighbors, as well as having an outlet for amusement purposes. Some may look at it as an alter ego that can do things that you can only do in cyber spaces.

Let your imagination run wild and you can do it online where no-tell motels are more numerous than Mickey D's.

The reason this is mentioned is that a good percentage of my time is spent online. Erie Crackered, formally Erie Cracker on FB is a way of venting at times what is real. As mentioned in previous posts, my mask is wearing thin, but there is still a certain amount of protection in that guise. Those who know me have been great in keeping me...safe?

But I have some fun, try not to be too savage in my trollishness and friends have been made. The thing though, the fact is it is the internutz and isn't really real. It's just the people playing that are real. Sometimes that comes out humorously. Not to say that real facts and bits of lives are not shared. And that is how some have become friends beyond the names on the list.

It's also how a lot of hours get burned up that should be used for something more productive.

Like house cleaning.

Real life has been interesting lately as I have more company on a daily basis. Don, who happily is not drinking, has been an almost daily visitor for coffee. So much so that I'm thinking he needs a coffee pot as well. Not so he won't stop for coffee, but so I can go someplace in the morning for a change in scenery. It might also cut down on my coffee and creamer expenses.

Hey, have you checked the price of that stuff recently?

A side benefit is he is also getting me out of the house more often. A walk downtown for supplies. A stop by to talk with a few friends and to get some sunshine and fresh air. Winter will be soon enough, so for now the more often the better from my point of view. A way to keep my world broader than just a keyboard and a monitor.

I can make a pile of excuses to avoid those safaris, but more often or not I do get outside.

At the same time it has had an effect on my hitting the pipe. While not eliminated, my using has been curtailed in a fashion. Don's not drunk and throwing money at me. He actually is doing something I wish I could at times. He's using his cash to do things that make him happy. I'm less inclined to ask for money as well when he's sober.

So what is owed to him is considerably less than in the past. As in almost nothing.

Almost nothing.

This also lessens the chances of me taking a front from the Dude. My back up is not as sure as it was in the past. The benefits of another sobriety has had a ripple effect. I'm not complaining as it helps me do what at times I cannot do myself.

On a different note, Don and I went to Dollar General. He asked if I needed anything and I really didn't but as soon as I looked at anything to hard he was offering to purchase it for me. I relented and had him buy me a dictionary and a Diet Coke. I put it on the tab I owe him, but I'm certain he'll refuse to be repaid.

That does make me uncomfortable but...

I guess it makes him feel better and I'm all for that. Again, there's a ripple effect.

But what spoiled the trip was my needing to use a rest room. Dollar General doesn't allow customers to use theirs and frankly few places downtown allow "us" to use their facilities. When informed of their not having public restrooms I mischievously replied that I hoped I didn't end up pissing myself in the store.

But that's me. I just can't pass the chance to make a smart ass remark when it presents itself. Sometimes my outbursts aren't in good taste, whatever that is...

After all, you are reading this on the internutz, where anything can happen.

I really do hate...

Reformed smokers and reformed drinkers.

The thing is that they tend to think everyone else should be just like them. Their bright smiles as they spout their new found religion does get maddening at times. In a way, it all reminds me of someone trying sell Amway.

It really isn't soap they are trying to sell you.

With mixed feeling I am confronted with a sober Don. He hasn't had a drink in about 10 days. He tried to say almost a month, but I pulled the calendar out on him. I'll give him two weeks, based on when I was last aware that a bottle was bought.

I am happy in one sense. He is healthier looking and is getting out of his apartment on a daily basis. The down side sort of, is his dragging me out with him on the excursions. Yes, I know getting out is good for me, but I like to do shit on my terms.

The up side, and there are many, but in particular is Don has bought lunch for me on a couple of these trips. One place was a rather nice restaurant downtown in the old Boston Store. 'Under the Clock" is the kind of place I used to frequent in my old life. The other day going in there made me as nervous as a whore in church.

Perhaps I should say as nervous as me in church.

Sitting in there put an old perspective on my view of the world. It made me sad, mad and scared me as well. I got a bit of a taste of how some people view those on the street. A little bitter to say the least. It also brought back to mind some things lost. Not things so much, but...

There is an ulterior motive to Don's inviting along at times. He has money so he has been buying common sense things for his apartment. Because of his disabilities he has a hard time carrying these purchases. So I make myself useful and bite my tongue when I am tempted to say "Yes, Boss. No, Boss!"

I did make one mistake in this effort to cheer lead Don though... "If you ain't drinkin', I ain't crackin'!"

There is a benefit to me in that I can't borrow money from him for a few hits. Lack of a ready source of back up cash will make calling the Dude a little more less frequent. Calls offering fronts will also be easier to decline as well. Other resources are running low so....I have been hitting a bit more conservatively.

What Don doesn't know won't hurt him and I'm not going to clue him into what I'm doing.

Because we all know crackheads lie.

Mostly to ourselves.

But not all bad.

It's been a funny week...

Good things and bad things but, as I've come to discover, it's all about balance.
Honestly though, it could be much worse.

Left to my own devices, worse can be the case.

Really.

I did, indeed, take up The Dude on some small fronts.

Take a few of those, and they add up, but I have been more conservative in what I ask for, and the frequency. Phone rings, and the last reply was, "I need a break."

And I do need a break.

But everything will be covered, and inner determination has taken over to a degree.

I have noticed a change in my personality 48 to 96 hours after my last hit . Not a positive change either. Again, I believe there are some who understand that, and ignore my ignorance.

I get honors in ignorance and snarkiness on occasion.

Part of my snarkiness has been due to my neighbor, Don.

His health is truly crap, so bad that he can't even walk 100 yards without stopping to catch breath...

He's moving now, as it's been close to week since he's had a drink. He's become a bit more social.
I tend to isolate when the shit is in and working it's way out of my system.

So it's been three days...no, four days in a row that he's been here for coffee.

As an apology for handing him a ration of shit about his neediness, I made him dinner tonight.
A jar of Alfredo sauce, a couple of cans of chicken and a chopped up hot pepper over noodles is comfort food to me.

He didn't appear to dislike it, either...

He has gotten me out, and I encourage him to do the same.

It's a double edged sword, as he is now wanting to stock up on some items other than Vladimir and, since he has those physical problems, I get invited to come along to help get the stuff back to his home. There are times, because of that accident I had, that moving is not much easier for me.

But I have...tools.

So, last Friday, Saturday and Sunday, we went on these little safaris. For food, for smokes, for soda, and all the other incidentals he's stocking up on now.

While always an adventure, it can get tiring. I'm forced to wait while he takes a break.
Those stops try my patience, as I am not one for standing still.

I feel like a high school track coach.
"Come on Don, you can sit when you get to that sign..."

With all the activity, and Don's somewhat tenuous grasp on sobriety, my frustration with myself, and with others, has shone through. My own limitations, and my irritation at myself, have me taking it out on others from time to time.

Misplaced anger staves off the depression.

That goes right along with my sometimes not all that subconscious jones.

I do have outlets for that in a sense, through the insanity I engage in online, but I often forget that those people are real people as well.

Sometimes it's best to suspend reality in that somewhat healthier outlet. There are dangers there, but I've managed to avoid most of the traps; traps mostly set by myself.

I know full well that there are those amongst you who know exactly what I'm talking about.

In the midst of all this bad attitude, sunshine does fall.

It came again today through the mail.

People who know me from little more than the words we exchange see in me what I cannot see myself. Packages come that are packed with more than the items they contain, things that may never be able to be repaid or returned in kind. except the spirit in which they are given.

But I can, and I do pay forward.

Moo was treated to some toys and some treats.

Ron was given things I won't eat.

I truly think the sender knew exactly what they were doing...

The caring, and perhaps even more, that went into that box did something for me that mere things can't accomplish.

The gentle buzz provided didn't hurt either.

Getting uncomfortable

I have had problems with focus and purpose. Staying on track and simply just saying no has been difficult as well. Money borrowed and fronts given are causing increased unease in my situation. Trust from others is being tested and I don't like where I have put myself.

Again.

I haven't felt this much unease since I've been in Dallas. Life for me there was indeed insane. To a great measure the things that happened there are not taking place in Erie. The thing though is that I am slipping in many ways. Saying no is not part of my vocabulary.

Now to be certain, some things will not happen here. I am not connected in the same ways I was in Dallas. I don't have 8 different numbers to call when I want something. I don't have people unexpectedly knocking on my door or calling at 3 in the morning to come by to smoke.

That is a good thing for me and my relationship with my neighbors.

Dude calls and I tell him, "I'm out of cash for a bit." The response lately has been "I've got you." I don't need to hear that from him. I really don't want to get stretched out for funds. I don't want to owe him and I don't want to lean on others for cash to cover my habit.

But I certainly have done just that.

The results are that I have been depriving myself from things that are truly enjoyed. I am also, to a degree, playing with my sanity. I am stretching into a realm that is edging towards a disconnect with the rest of the world. I fear at times the result will be another visit to the rubber room. problem with that is they usually just tell me to go to a rehab and load me with drugs that are either ineffective or as damaging as the crap that comes off the street.

But the wiring in my brain has certainly been altered and I continue to tinker.

There are those I talk with about this to some degree. But in reality it is really up to me. No one else can say no for me. No one else can prevent the bizarre twists I put into my life. No one else can pick up the pieces of Humpty falls off the wall. And oddly enough, even Moo disappears when I take a hit.

Then I hear every little creak and she plays with the plastic grocery bags under a work table.

Well, she's having fun.

I did take my own advice...

That is a rarity. Things I tell others way too often apply to myself. I just don't take my own advice. On the other hand, I'm not certain that all that much advice or suggestions I dole out to others is taken for that matter.

It's worth exactly what is charged for it...

But I did get out a bit more than I had in awhile. Stopping by the Mission for lunch was an adventure of sorts. There were a lot of new faces, but a few of the regulars were there as well. One lady was trying to organize a trip to Cedar Point. She had some deal on tickets and hopefully a few were able to take advantage of the trip.

One fellow was having an animated conversation with another buddy. The conversation seemed to continue when his friend picked up and went on his way. Sadly, there are more than a few people talking to themselves or anything that will listen in this town.

One of the days, I arrived a little late for lunch at the Mission . Partly my fault for not getting started early enough. Partly Don's fault, as he stopped by for coffee. I am not going to complain too much though. Getting Don to travel any distance, as in from his apartment to mine, is a victory of sorts.

Also the volunteers at the Mission made sure, even though I was late, that I had a plate of food.

They were serving sausage with onions and peppers, along with them little baby potatoes and broccoli. The donuts were gone by the time I arrived, but that was a good thing. I certainly don't need to restart my 3 donut a day habit again.

Neighbors were kind enough to take me to the Erie Blues and Jazz fest on Saturday night. We also crashed a neighborhood party along the route. It's not as bad as it sounds, but we did get a few beers and some freshly fried perch. If you've never had that, you don't know what you're missing.

MMMMM!

So going out to the Mission, getting to the Blues Fest and also getting a few more books from the library was part of my activities for the week. Erie, being a tourist type town will have other events that I hope to attend, but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it...

Was the week without crack?

Well, no.

That part is getting troublesome in that the Dude is fronting his product. I would rather pay for shit when I have the cash as credit will most certainly put me in a bad place. Buying drugs on credit is as about as stupid as it gets and I have enough stupid in my life without adding more of that element.

But the motherfucker calls now unsolicited. I tell him I'm short for a few days, or until next week. His usual reply lately has been, "I got ya." Sadly, saying no to those offers have not been part of my vocabulary. Working on not answering those calls might help the situation.

Well, no response is a response in these cases.

Thankfully, Don asked if I needed a few bucks. Who am I to say no? Anyway, fronts to the Dude are now behind me. While I am not much more comfortable owing Don, at least his terms are a bit better. I also don't have to worry about heavy handed collection techniques either if I am a day or so late on payment.

Life, anyways could have been much worse. There is also always room for improvement. By and large though, things are looking up. And "Better is better."

One certain way to make things better would be to clean this pig sty out...

Out of focus and out of touch.

The object that I am finding to be out of focus and that I am out of touch with is reality.

It could well be the stuff I've been ingesting. But some of it has to to with other
"bad habits" that have been acquired. One of which, as mentioned before, is spending way too much time in front of this computer. Along with limiting my access to real people in a face to face sort of way.

I have just made myself too comfortable in here lately. I can't blame the weather, but for a bit of rain, and I have been out in knee deep snow for many reasons. Running for drugs was just one, but there were healthy reasons for getting out as well.

I used to go to the mission every day for lunch. It's probably been close to 6 months or more since I've eaten there. Not that it's a must for me for nourishment, as food hasn't been a problem around here for some time. Not for the three donuts a day I would grab from there either.

But it's to get out and around people.

To say Hi! to some folks who I haven't seen in a bit. To hear Babuska Lady holler at me that I'm a Prince! To talk about what's happening with people who cared about what was happening with me and I about their situation. To hear about who got picked up by the cops last night or to see folks who just got out of the slammer or ankle bracelets just removed.

Trips to the park have been fewer and I really like being there.

I did go to the library yesterday. A book taken out was pass due. That cost me $.90 in fines. That's not a good thing, and what is worse, the book wasn't finished. That was after renewing the book for a total of 6 weeks.

Yep, the renewal was done online.

There was my monthly trip to WallyWorld. The usual cruise around the store provides a bit of comic relief. Those pictures posted about the place could come from the one I go to regularly. I also excused myself to a couple of women who had their fat asses parked right in front of the tomatoes.

Something along the lines of, "I know whatever it is your talking about is very important, but could you do it over there?" Clearing my throat and coughing didn't seem to do the trick. I thought the minute I patiently waited until actually offering up that smartass remark was sufficient enough time.

On another note it also should be noted that, much to my relief, everyone who was owed was paid off. My checking account isn't in the negative range yet either. I was retaught a lesson a month ago, so that is a problem that hopefully won't take place for awhile.


Visits to Don's have been fewer as well. I did stop by yesterday and paid the price. Essentially another day semi-comatose was the result. Not a great way to spend a beautiful Saturday afternoon. Added to that was my usual dance with the rock and a need to knock myself out further. If anything to keep from posting or texting while too fucked up.

But I know I'm not alone in this internetz bullshit either. High, straight, sober or not it's always starting to look the same. Yeah, I see some of you every time I go online. We really gotta' get outside and smell the petunias a bit more often because the pretty pictures of flowers and other things posted on Facebook just aren't real.

Ya' think?

How hot is it?

Actually it's been hotter than Satan's taint.

I don't know where I found that line, but I love it, and have been using it where ever possible. It has been oppressively hot in this part of the world as well. Certainly it has had an effect on many peoples disposition. It certainly has had an effect on mine.

Despite the urge to do nothing and indeed there was been a great deal of that going on in my life, going out has been beneficial as well. A trip to the library was a breath of cool air anyway. Seeing people and interacting with them to some degree, as always brightens my day.

I mentioned this little fact elsewhere and someone reminded me a small detail that needed to be mentioned. The library is a gathering place of sorts. People I recognize from the mission and others that are obviously homeless or other wise disadvantaged hang out at the library. It's cool during hot summer days. It's also a warming station of sorts in the winter.

When you stay at the Mission, you are kicked out onto the streets at 7:30 A.M. until around 5:30 in the evening. I am pretty certain other shelters operate the same way. So to stay off the streets, especially when the weather is extreme, many go to the library. Not necessarily to read or use the computers but to just get off the street.

Sometimes they are there to get a little sleep in a safe place. No one bothers with them. People, like the library staff, seem to know that some folks have to stay awake when it's dark. If you're shocked by this, maybe that's a good thing. Some of these people are miles and years away from the white picket fences that may have been parts of their lives.

Then again, some of these people haven't a clue as to what that white picket fence bullshit means to many of us.

Now, there is a little dirty secret that not many people are aware of until recently. The Mission along with a few other shelters has a bit of a problem with bed bugs. Well not just the Mission or the other homeless shelters. For almost a year an exterminators truck was parked outside of the Methodist Towers. It's primarily housing for the elderly and people with special needs.

For a period of time I thought one of the exterminators employees had moved into that building.

Bed bugs are traveling bugs. They have circled the globe on the backs of us. Well not really on our backs, but in the seams of our clothing, the creases in our luggage or the bottom of a duffel bag. Then they jump off of our clothes and relocate.

The places they relocate to is quite amazing to even me. It has been recently published that the Erie County Library has a bed bug problem. With that in mind, I avoid the nice cushy chairs.

I have enough going on in my life right now and don't need an insect problem to add to my distractions. But going to the library, picky about where I sit and wiping the chair down is part of the deal. Even the hard wooden chairs in the computer lab might be at risk. I do take precautions, and wipe the chairs down.

I'm not the only one...

I do laugh when some nice, proper, middle class suburban type flops down in one of the nice cushy comfie chairs. Especially the ones who sneer at the folks peacefully sleeping. I'm sure the stories they'll tell, like when their kids came home with head lice, will circulate when the exterminators van pulls up to their house.

Then again, maybe they did bring them back from Jamaica.