I mean, really what was there to be afraid of that kept me in my hole.
I was planning on going to the local Rib Fest. I really did want to check it out and taste some good BBQ. I had the money to go out and sample the efforts of this traveling food show. The weather was an excuse not to venture outside. Sitting in front of this computer has to a degree made me more of a shut-in.
But not an anti-social hermit.
So I was afraid to go outside but not too afraid to call for a twenty piece. So I am wondering if it was the crack that was talking to me. Maybe it had a bit more to do with fear. And I certainly know what to expect when I smoke crack. No warm fuzzies, but a comfort zone in a way. Adding to that is the fact that I am self conscious about my disabilities, I am also sensitive to what people may think of me. Especially those who know what I've been through. I know this is stupid thinking.
But, like I said, there is about 3 degrees of separation in Erie, PA.
I hate talking to people about some matter and they come back with "But."
It's a dodge.
On the other side of the coin, I have revealed this blog to others that are very close to me. Relatives and friends who have seen me at the top and most certainly at the bottom of the barrel. While these people know that I have and still do smoke crack, in many respects they haven't really known the real inner and outer struggles the Erie Crackhead has gone through.
Letting these people in on my life this way has a strong element of fear. But the fewer secrets I keep, the better off I'll be in the long run.
So, no Rib Fest and a bit of crack was smoked. Choices and I hate to say this, but a rational person would have gone for the food. So some little improvements and just a choice was made.