The following short essay by Steve Goodier touches me in a particularly ominous way.
I try to do things to improve my life and reduce harm to myself and to others. Sometimes there is success and other times has me wondering where the hell this is all going.
To hell in a hand basket?
A stressful weekend was endured and true to character, after it was all over getting high was the escape I chose. Getting to a point of being straight for a week before was an non-issue. Keeping myself broke helped a great deal. Having a goal in mind and in sight was also helpful as well.
To say that the efforts in keeping a clear mind in advance of this event were without merit is not accurate. To say that a magnifying glass on my mistakes caused me to pick up a pipe would also be incorrect as well.
But mistakes were made and wear on me a bit more than those things probably should. So my refuge is that period of temporary insanity that is part of my make up. A way to obscure what is really going on perhaps. A method to run away while standing perfectly still.
Shit is still there and my actions and behaviors haven't done one wit to make things better. It should also be noted that lately posting here, censoring what really is going on, is a result of revealing this blog to some people. Trying to be honest with myself is harder when trying to hide things from others.
This blog has helped me. Talking to myself about what is happening and how it affects things on a daily basis has had benefits. To that end, this is what this blog is about. Making this private may be an option because playing to an audience, small as it may be, has shaded what and how often posting here has occurred. To a degree playing to an audience is something I have been guilty of committing.
More stuff to chew on. What direction to go and who knows about it is another consideration. Some folks say this blog has been helpful to them. That was a secondary purpose here, but if it is becoming just another venue for bullshit then keeping that to myself might be best for everyone.
Putting myself at the top of that list is imperative.
So for now, I'll leave you with this:
"THOSE ARE MY PRINCIPLES
Comedian quipped, "Those are my principles. If you
don't like them, I have others."
I have principles. And sometimes I follow them. Well, usually.
I also have opinions. I have opinions about politics, yard sales,
health food and fortune cookies. (Actually, more about the fortunes
than the cookies.) But they're opinions. I COULD be wrong about some of those things.
And I have opinions about four-year-olds. Like the one who came
screaming out of the bathroom to tell his mother that he dropped his
toothbrush in the toilet. He watched her fish it out and toss it
into the garbage.
That is when something occurred to him, something about when a
toothbrush ought to be discarded. He ran to the other bathroom and
came out with his mother's toothbrush. Holding it up, he announced,
"We better throw this one out too then . . . it fell in the toilet a
few days ago."
That confirms at least one of my opinions about four-year-olds.
But it also points to something more than an opinion - a principle.
In this case, the principle is about the importance of trying to do
the right thing, even if you're a few days late in doing it. Martin
Luther King, Jr. put it well: "The time is always right to do what
And one like it is this: doing the right thing, even in little
things, is never a little thing. And that's not just an opinion. It's
a principle that works."
-- Steve Goodier