It's been a little while.

Part of the reason is that I am clueless as to what to say at times. Then there are other times that I just don't want to spill my guts here, or anywhere else for that matter. Holding stuff in is not healthy. In many respects there is a black plague of poison inside of me.

Bottled up and waiting to explode.

This place has provided, to some degree, a safety valve for that pressure. A place to vent without drawing anyone else into the drama I invent for myself. It's also a place to talk about progress or setbacks that have occurred.

Not much progress has been made over the past week.

Starting last Tuesday and through Saturday had me hitting the pipe. Not a good thing in many respects, but there are worse things that could have happened. There could have been serious repercussions to my behavior as well. Drugs and and other factors are a mother fucker when it comes to my personal behavior.

I tend to put the bar way low on those occasions.

Playing games are fine for kids. I am no longer a kid. Not by any one's stretch of imagination. Some of those games are putting me in a light that does not really portray who I would like to think I am. Shit, it's starting to creep me out in a way that is not easy to explain. To put it all in a nutshell, my drug addled mind has no business screwing with people online or over the phone.

So, with all that said changes are in the wind. So far as my using, well that is back burner for awhile. My budget for crack has dwindled, even though my spending for it is down, I have managed to stretch things out a bit further.

Smaller but more frequent purchases has saved me money, but the outcome is more days a little screwed up mentally. Wiring is getting scrambled a bit more and some reason in some sensible things is starting to get fuzzy. So a break is past due.

Time to reread things already written, reconsider my actions and attitudes and to make adjustments.

Anyway, it's almost a sure thing that I hit some more down the road. What needs to be addressed is the way I have to act. It's part of that doing no harm to others thing as well.

That part is perhaps the most important part of this all...