Honesty

If I can't at the very least be honest in posts to this blog, what sense does writing it at all make?

Lies through omission are a biggy for me.

A good example is not mentioning last week that I got fried on Tuesday night. That was one more reason that I decided to stay in Wednesday.

Hiding my using, at least for a little while, is a specialty of mine. Nobody, at least from my point of view, knows that I'm getting high on the sly. A twenty piece here, and couple of hits there and before I know it, it's off to the races for me.

That kind of behavior starts out innocently enough. If there is such a thing as innocently sneaking a hit or so.

Well, let's continue to be honest.

There is nothing innocent about crack.

So inevitably it turn into a 4 or 5 day, few thousand dollar binge. Some people are worried, some people are scared and others are just plain pissed off. After a while nobody gives a shit anymore.

This is what got me into the situation I currently enjoy.

While I'm not homeless at the moment, one missed rent payment will certainly get me back on the street. I may or may not be able to go back to the Mission. I will probably lose what few possessions I own. I would probably be fairly broke until my next check came, and that may be worsened by the fact that there is no safe place to hide out until that next check came.

While there seems to be a lessening in my usage, I really don't want to come across as Mr. Straight Arrow and Clean and Sober. That phony baloney image that some of the 12 Steppers portray just turns my stomach. A big reason is that is a role I played. Another reason it makes me sick is that I've seem too many playing that role who have fallen from grace and did themselves in.

I just didn't want to leave any doubt in any one's head that I was a crackhead. There were a few people who thought that the goal was to do myself in. And while that wasn't my goal, I may have gotten close to "suicide by street thug."

So if I'm getting high, I'm talking about it here.

By the way, tomorrow is money day. Things will be done to try to get the budget carried through. I also have a doctor appointment. But the thing is that I'm probably going to hit a pipe at some time tomorrow.

I'll let you know who it all goes down on my next visit here.