No, I don't want to die!

And I ain't dead yet...

With no plans of going that way and swearing that some lines in the sand would not be crossed, here we are. Twice now I have turned colors, stopped breathing and had CPR performed on me. Once I had to be loaded onto ambulance and taken to an ER to be monitored. Coercion of ones or another was included in the last procedure.

Coercion, in the choices given me were to ride in an ambulance or in the back of a cop car.

The circumstances leading to the last OD event were the result of me trying to be a good guy. A deal gone bad and my trying to maintain my reputation as a mostly good guy in a world of not so good guy. Added to that is being done dirty by a drug dealing thug who possessed no moral scrupples.

Excuse me for a second while remind myself if this fact in my world. "Good guys finish last."

So in an effort to get myself in the right light, as well as getting a bit for me. A second small business entrepreneur was contacted and orders were placed. Samples were given and and products were judged in regards to quality. A tester was passed to me of the heroin that was to be distributed.

Well, never ever believe that one cannot overdose when snorting that drug.

A small piece of paper, folded to hold a bit of the drug was handed to me. The amount seemed pretty insignificant. A small pile of greyish white powder poured out onto my desk.

Hmmm...


I rolled a PostIt note into a tube and stuck one end up my nose. My left nostril to be exact.  Sticking my finger over the right side of my nose, I inhaled sharply. The powdered drug shot into my nasel cavity.

I'm good, I thought...

About five minutes later things began to get exciting. Not so much for me, but for the people around me. Actually some if them ran out of the house. And some sort of thought I was worth saving. This came from a most unexpected person .

I mean, she did think that I set her up.

But she started giving me CPR.  I had physical proof. The bruise on my chest was a mildly painful reminder of my brush with that black caped crusader. This was supported by the testimony of a neighbor.

He really didn't want to be there either .

I could continue, but I won't. The ensuring adventure wasn't all that exciting, and the results are obvious. That is why I can repeat...

I ain't dead yet...

I really need a real computer

 Having been without a real computer for too long has had a negative effect.

Not feeling comfortable with trying to write this on a phone had kept me away during a particularly unstable period of my life. This has left me feeling vulnerable. While there have been long absences, I thought that not being here wouldn't be a problem for me, and not for my few readers.

That was the lie I fed myself. That neglect had a very negative influence on me and others. On others because of how my treatment of others was dangerously close to being selfish. I was using a new, to me street drug rthat made me feel superior to those around me.

It also permitted others to use me like some type of tool.

So,stumbling with fat fingers over a tiny keyboard, I struggle to make myself heard. Not just to you either...

But to myself.

Not writing these feelings and thoughts out loud has made me dead and blind to the danger swimming around me.