I really need a real computer

 Having been without a real computer for too long has had a negative effect.

Not feeling comfortable with trying to write this on a phone had kept me away during a particularly unstable period of my life. This has left me feeling vulnerable. While there have been long absences, I thought that not being here wouldn't be a problem for me, and not for my few readers.

That was the lie I fed myself. That neglect had a very negative influence on me and others. On others because of how my treatment of others was dangerously close to being selfish. I was using a new, to me street drug rthat made me feel superior to those around me.

It also permitted others to use me like some type of tool.

So,stumbling with fat fingers over a tiny keyboard, I struggle to make myself heard. Not just to you either...

But to myself.

Not writing these feelings and thoughts out loud has made me dead and blind to the danger swimming around me.