It's money day.

Not officially but in fact the cash does flow into my account in about 2 hours.

I have to get very busy now, as there is housework that must be completed. The list of bills to be paid must be completed as well. I will not step outside of this house until that is complete and money orders are bought and filled out. I don't want to be cashing those in before they get stuffed safely away in the mailbox.

Even now as I sit here tapping on the keyboard, my mind is racing. You have to do this and that, and Oh yeah, this needs to be done as well. All these, unspecified chores, errands and obligations need to be completed before I can even think about calling the Dude.

The fact is though, I'm thinking about when I can make that call.

To those of you who think this whole thing is fucked up, in many respects I agree. It's just that it's even more so from my perspective. It's scary, frightening, exciting and gut wrenching all at one time. Just Say No doesn't cut it at all either. This is not a 30 minute thing. It hangs in there for hours, and indeed at times it's digging away inside of me for days.

Wish me luck and I'll report back when I get to the other side of this. Erie Crackhead (Cracker) will probably still be lurking on FB, he will probably even post to some support email lists he belongs to as well. So, it's not as though I'll entirely disappear from sight.

It's just that I won't be all there either.

And out the other side.

This time I came out the other side with a little less money and not too much wiser.

But that's all part of the deal. Now isn't it?

Yes, lists were made, food and other necessities purchased, money was certainly put away and bills were paid. Everything that needed to be done was done. Added to that was a medical procedure preformed on Tuesday. I'll just say that the medical thing created about two days of mild discomfort, but not too intolerable.

I have noticed a tendency to withdraw a bit more inside of my little cocoon. There have been a few, comfortable, dry, beautiful days that had most of the population going out to enjoy. I have, unless forced by sheer need, am hermitting myself away. Am I becoming agoraphobic?

Naw, not really.

Part of it is the physical aspects that make moving too far a pain. In a real sense it is painful to walk too awful far. I usually don't mind too much the trip once I get out, but it's the getting out that seems to take the effort. Part certainly is the uncomfortable feeling of running into people from my past life.

Or is that past lives?

Being a bit depressed, partly from the crack and not having any right now, could be responsible to a point. I've always been, despite my upbeat positive outward appearance, been mildly depressed. Well, occasionally crushingly depressed, but that is less frequent that it has been in the past.

Yes, I'm happy not to be that depressed. It was frightening.

Then again, I have been happier and crack is only part of that reason.

Some people has said that smoking weed has made them depressed. That certainly could be a part of the equation, and I'll have to keep track of those feelings in relation to the post. It is also said that weed does lower ambition and initiative. While I'm lazy by nature, it should also be noted that I did eventually get done tasks that need to be completed.

Not that any of the tasks to do are all the important to anyone but me.

But, in order to ensure that I have clean skivvies, I had better get with it.