I don't do that drug, but...

I should qualify that by saying I don't actively pursue or consume heroin.

Not not to say that I have never done it. I have by snorting it and yes, have injected that stuff as well. I know the risks and certainly knew what the risks were at the times I was experimenting. It isn't a high I dislike. One might say it is a buzz I really enjoyed way too much.

That was the thing though, as I had enough going on with the pipe as my best friend. My life and outlooks were screwed up enough without adding heroin to my plate. I also had an aversion to poking holes in my body. Not the same needle phobia I had fostered as a child, but that fear has served me well in many respects.

Added to that is all the hassle of finding a good vein. That's too much work for me and I now consider that part of my preservation plan. Survival through sheer laziness.

But I recently heard that a child of an old acquaintance died from using herion. I have no idea how it was ingested, although most times this sort of thing happens if from IV use. Appararently the dope was tainted with some sort of poison. I also don't really know many details beyond that or how involved this kid was in their habit.

There is a lot of crap in the crack that comes into this area. I do recook a great deal of the product that I smoke. It's too soft, or the color is off or the taste is off. You can sort of tell when the shit isn't quite right.

So, like junkies, at times it is a crap shoot when I inhale that crap.

Heroin is a whole different game though. I really don't know of anyway to check the quality of that kind of drug. In the old days, if someone died of an overdose, everyone wanted to know who sas the seller. That was so the other junkies could buy some of it for themselves.

A bit of marketing wrapped in black humor.

My experiences first hand with what can go wrong when, in particular shooting heroin is certainly limited. Junkies for some strange reason are a bit more vengeful. My stints in rehabs had increased my curiosity about using it, Often though, listening to those war stories many were often accompanied by tragedy as well.

Hot shots, as in cooking the dope in acid or loading up a ten bags in a fix were part and parcel of some of these tales. Some of the reasons given were from how snitches and narcs were dealt with to people whose tollerence had gotten to the point that they needed to load a shot that way.

Anyways, someone mentioned the passing of an old acquaintance's child from having used some tainted heroin. While all the details were not available enough was known to lead to me think about what they are putting in that shit for cut or who did this kid piss off.

The games people engage in around illegal drugs are often not fun.

So, while I don't owe any slingers money at the moment, it did get close. Don has been on his own little run to destruction and not really on top of things. Generally that means he'll slide a few bucks my way. He hates the thought of being the only one he knows who is it ripped in some fashion. He also uses the fact that he is willing to lend me money to entice me do some things he no longer is really capable of doing. Like walking to the store for a pack of smokes.

I'll be damned if I'll go to the liquor store for him. Besides he already has his man servant for that chore.

As I reread through this my mind is just shutting down from the stupidity and pain that comes from that buzz and what we go through. Our pain and their pain. And the pain it seems we all are trying to run away from.

Moo and other people

Well, Moo is starting to be people to me.

With that said, she is obviously in heat. The constant meowing and yowling is some sort of way to communicate her need. A need that she isn't even fully aware of I suspect. But constant attention, weird posturing and strange looks are the order of the day. Along with that is her talking in tones varying from pleading to demanding to questioning to just plain " Hi!"have been part of the scenery around here for the past few days.

A comment in a previous post suggested that having her fixed would make both of us happy. I cannot disagree with that fact at all.

Other things have been happening though that have given me reason to pause and think, "What the hell are you thinking?" One biggie, after breaking Rule #1 a couple of weeks ago, is accepting fronts from the Dude. In other words I have now broken Rule #1 and Rule #2 with little regard for the consequences.

That is not a good place to be. It will indeed put me and my comfort and the roof over my head in peril quicker than any other mistake or mishap I can invent or stumble into. This all is part and parcel of trying to exist in this crackhead life. And at times, it's a motherfucker.

So while I have been given a promise of sorts from the person who helped me break Rule #1, that isn't going to go far in keeping me afloat if push comes to shove. Added to that my safety net person has their own life issues they are trying to deal with. My dependence on their aid to keep funds at arms length is being sorely tested. Too many calls for cash and other forms of help have made this relationship strained.

Not that I'm borrowing cash from them. Not them anyways, but between the money lost, money borrowed and fronts from the Dude, this and next month are going to be interesting to say the least. Interesting in that Chinese curse sort of interesting.

Added to that is the fact that my available cash for the month is now gone, gone, gone. The plus side is that I have enough food and other necessities for Moo and myself, along with having enough smokes, or supplies to make smokes to carry me through.

Because, a crackhead without crack and cigarettes is not a pretty picture.

One other thing. The comments received here are much appreciated. I have made a decision though to avoid replying or indeed commenting myself. Part of the reason is I don't want to debate or indeed detract from those comments offered. I can babble on all I want to in the space up above, but need to let the words of others soak in a bit.

Who knows, maybe something will stick.

And a cat named Moo.

Actually the cat's full name is Moo Goo Gai Pan.

Offended?

Tough.

After a long history in my home town of cats being found ready to be cooked in some ethnic restaurants, I thought he name rather fitting. As in, if you don't keep mice away, you may just be a meal.

Just kidding.

Sorta'.

The first night was a bit trying. She is a 10 month old kitty who is used to being with other cats. Three others to be exact, but the family I acquired her from found the burden of keeping that many felines a bit more of a burden for them than they were prepared to undertake. Moo, which is the name I gave her was left to this generous family when her original owner passed away.

And had she been taken to a shelter, who knows how long her life span would have been. Not a happy thought. They have more cats to deal with than they have willing adopters or funds to keep them for any length of time.

But her entire first night was spent meowing and howling. Perhaps for her buddies she was separated from or maybe the changed environment spooked her. I slept little and was frustrated to no end. Added to that, I thought the poor thing was going to run away at the first opportunity that presented itself.

With all the attention or perhaps the competition for attention she endured, it took one night of constant crying and hiding away the following day for her to come around. She had been hiding under my bed and no amount of coaxing and teasing with a toy would get her out of her safe spot.

Imagine my surprise when my neighbor came over, looked under the bed and Moo came running out and jumped into his hands. Actually I was pissed off. I later realized, as he has a cat of his own, that it probably was the scent of his critter that shook her loose. She did come from a 4 cat family after all.

To add to my discomfort was the fact that she strutted right into my neighbors apartment and cozied right up to their cat. Thankfully no fur flew, but I thought it funny that she ate his food and took a crap in his litter box. I commented that she probably left a toothbrush behind as well.

So after getting her back home and enduring a bit of her meowing at the door to go visit again, she does seem to have settled in. She is eating well, uses her own litter box and is learning places to hang out when she isn't crying for attention.

During the time it has taken me to write this entry, she has jumped onto my lap 3 different times to be rubbed and scratched. It is still obvious that there is something missing, as she still is meowing at my for something, but beyond food and the attention I have given here so far, I clueless as to what that want might be.

In time we'll both figure this arrangement out.

Now to avoid rolling over onto her in the middle of the night. Yeah, last night she crawled into bed with me. I never knew it until I flopped over in my sleep and was awoken by her howl.

Still a damned sight better than being woken up by a crack hustler trying to work me for something I don't have or bringing something or someone into my house I don't want.

For the moment anyways.

How can you tell when a Crackhead is lying?

That's simple. Their lips are moving.

And sadly, I did not follow my own #1 rule. Never trust a crack smoker, a dealer or anyone who has anything to do with that shit. Funny thing is that for some reason beyond me, I did exactly that and trust a smoker. Trusted them with my ATM card and PIN number.

How fucking dumb can one get.

Oh, wait. When you want another hit, common sense flies right through the window. Just plain fuckin' flits away without another thought. That's the way that shit works. Gimme' a hit, gimme' a hit, gimme' a hit.

And what did I get.?

Robbed for $260.00 and a bank account seriously overdrawn. A bad day that wasn't anything particularly new to me, but part of me thought I had a lot of that foolishness behind me.

How dumb can one get. When you're hitting that pipe, you never know what the hell is gojng to happen. The results, even in the best of consequences are not all that rosy.

The thing is that in this particular incident, shit will be flowing both ways. It's funny, but at one time I would have felt bad about this. Not anymore, not this time and not this one.

Fuck 'em.

People suck. And back to being the hermit existence that I was so happy with before. People tend to use you for what you have. When you don't have anything or aren't in a position to share what little I do have they tend to think that you're being a prick. This is that I have often seen, people with little to share, sharing what little they have. Some people tend to have entitlement issues though. If you have something, they think they are entitled to it.

Oh, well...No more Mr. Nice Guy.

I'll just keep my crippled ass in my hole and stay happy with what little I do have.

A mixed bag of miscellaneous bullshit.

As in the plain fact that my mind and my thoughts have been scattered all over the place.

The reason for that of course is that I have allowed that to happen. It's part of my self defense mechanism that permit me to avoid things that require some attention. Like posting to this blog. To set things down in relatively correct and plain English so I can see, well me.

There are those days when even looking in a mirror is a frightening event.

As mentioned before, there are those I "talk" to on a continuing basis. At times things get confused or distorted. Part of the reason, and it's really just a product of our modern times, are conversations that are fragmented into bites of 160 characters or less. Get something out of sequence, forget that there was another part of that message you may have missed and the entire meaning is skewed.

Part of the problem is my need to respond in some half ass witty fashion before the whole message is really assembled in proper order. My need to look smart and clever in a rush has indeed bitten me in the ass. Truth be known, I am not that witty or clever. Smartass, not wiseass is closer to the mark.

I'm grateful for those who are patient enough to work with me on that short coming. God knows why, but they do. And whether smartass or wiseass, neither projects inteeligence or wisdom.

Intelligence is not a guarantee of wisdom either, but it must be noted that wisdom has been gained from those who, at the surface anyway, have appeared not to be too intelligent.

But that is what those 10 second character assessments will get you.

One other thing that has been distracting me from posting is my pursuit of silly, foolish fun. As mentioned before, I am "Mostly Harmless."Despite being the shameless attention whore and internet slut that I am, I am amazed what effect a few well placed words have on the clueless. Clueless as my farcebook profile, beyond the link to this blog is poor representation of who I really am.

This fact was pointed out by a friend on their own status update.

So I play with the ladies, or at least those who present themselves as such. I play with the politicians whose views don't align with mine. Conspiring with like minded people on promoting our "medicine" or giving someone a hard time is part of the sport. I also play with those who are all a whole lot like me. As one new friend mentioned, "A white crackhead on Facebook, what a surprise!"

There are who know the real Erie Cracker. They have taken the time to read the blog and have not run screaming. Private messages have led me to believe that some good has come from those associations for them as well as myself, regardless of how they have started. Some of those have become in a very real sense, friends.

There are others who shy away. I can't blame them, but we both may have lost.

Two other things have been distracting me as well.

Fathers Day was yesterday. Not a card, not a text, not even a peep from my children. No, this isn't about poor me. The fact they don't know me is my fault, not theirs. But I am making some efforts to at least repair those relationships. Some things like that take time. I am the one who needs to be patient though. Irony or Karma has a play in this as well.

Ironically, Karma is a motherfucker.

The other thing is that money is coming soon. I haven't been as diligent as in the past in preparation. Things need to be planned. Yeah, the lists need to be made. I am not that far from the street again that I can afford to get cocky about that fact. Nope, can't let that happen.

I, again haven't had a hit in almost a week. I did a bit drunk and high last weekend through the kindness of friends and friends of friends My funds were squirreled away out of reach. I don't really call for cash unless there is a real need. I know I'll ask for enough for that buzz and do what can be done to forestall that as much as possible.

One of the people who showed up at our little impromptu Friday night parties was wearing yellow tinted safety glasses. I had to mention that many people looked at life through rose colored glasses, but it appeared he was looking at life through piss colored glasses. Fact is I may well be the one who has been looking at life that way.

And so it goes...

For those reading this for the first time, the question begs to be asked:
How do you like me now?

The Good, the Bad and the Snarky

Clicking on the title will take to you Merriam-Webster's online dictionary with the proper definition of snarky. And that definition works just dandy in this case.

But first the good needs to be mentioned.

The good is that I really have been occupied in other ways that make the necessity of posting my complaints here a bit less imperative. Not to say that there are not things that need to be brought to this blog. It's just that once upon a time I had no other outlet for my frustrations, setbacks, problem or for that matter good things happening in my life.

In other words there were few who gave a rats ass about what was going in my life. Not too many confidants who would listen and even at times offer good feedback for the shit I was basically putting myself through. Now there are those who can cut through my rationalizations and get right to the heart of my malarkey and basically let me know what's up.

You can plug in malarkey while you have the Merriam-Webster Dictionary up if you like, but bullshit works pretty good as a definition as well.

So having those ears has given me an outlet not available to me for some time. And that is very good.

The bad is of course I am still hitting the pipe fairly regularly. In a sense it does indeed take away things that I would rather have in some sense. The inability on my part to say no to myself when there is more than $20.00 in my pocket is starting to grate in some respects.

And that really is the thing though. I'm not saying no to crack, but I am saying no to things I would rather have and enjoy in my life. Funny what a chemical can do to ones brain to disallow oneself some of the nicer things in life. Not everything of course, but enough to make one snarky.

The thing is that the people who I may well have been snarky towards are the same people who have given me their ears. And at times I feel as though I haven't been as willing to listen or for that matter even listening as attentively as I should. I am trying to work on that though.

There are some other things that have made me snarky as well. But it wouldn't be right to talk about those things in this blog. It's part of that thing that had me pause in making entries in here before. If it's not about me, it doesn't belong here.

Getting right to the heart of that though is I probably have no right to get all pissy about those things, as it really doesn't have a direct effect on my life. But because of the good people in my life, I have a place to vent. For that I am grateful.

Besides, a snarky Erie Crackhead even with a humorous edge is not a pretty sight.

I am not the only one out here.

By out here I mean the internet. The World Wide Webz.

Slowly people have kind of let me know where they are at in regards to their situations. It's not much different than my circumstances. Some are in worse shape and others might be doing a bit better. But there are connections being made. Social networks, but like real life do attract people with like interests.

I don't mean we're sharing numbers of drug dealers either. It also doesn't mean that all of my internet friends even use any drugs at all. There are some through their own devices that have escaped to some degree. There are some who have family members who have a problem of some sort.

But we have access to computers, either at the library or other public access sites. Some own there own machine. Perhaps, like me an old lap top has been donated. Maybe one was acquired through other means. It's possible considering the number of computers over the past ten years that have been stolen from me.

I may mentioned in previous posts about things stolen and some uncomfortable situation that happen when you scam a dealer for a few hits or more. Or when the dealer becomes his best customer bad things almost always happen, even if their drug isn't yours.

It might be nice if somewhat of a using group could be assembled say on FB. Perhaps this forum could be a resource for helping each of find some sanity and stability in a world that expects nothing more from us than running some hustle on the street or learning a bit of money management to slowly improve all of our individual situations.

Hey, it could happen and perhaps there are those out there reading this blog might be able to point me and others to those discussion groups so we all can improve our lot in life.

And how are things going with me? I have hit a rock or two since my last entry. Not as much in total as other months, but I did manage 9 days before finding myself in the position of wanting to make the call.

As mentioned before, I again have a reliable number with relatively decent quality. As mentioned before this new guy's number sort of fell into my lap and wheh I first tried it it worked just dandy.

Probably more dandy for the Dude rather than my financial situations, but I wasn't put in a situation of crawling the streets to play trial and error with the various dealers working curb service. It also should be mentioned that home delivery is part of this kid's service.

A blessing and a curse, but at least he arrives when he says he will.

The cat seems to have been put on the back burner for a little longer, but that is something that will happen before the summer has come to an end. The summer season seems to slip away before it gets started so I am continuing to put pressure on my friend to get back to the shelter to make things happen.

I used to be a guy who could make things happen. While some of that power is no longer available, I still have skills. (Insert smiley face here.)