Yep, that's the question...

Should I become involved with a social movement that runs parallel in many ways with what I feel to be proper and correct. To get involved with "normal" people who, so far as I am aware are not burdened with the same problems that are an essential part of me.

The thing is that my involvement has, at least for the time being decreased my appetite for hitting a rock.

My reasons for getting involved have much more to do with just a healthy outlet for myself instead of my drug. But that not what I am trying to address at this moment.

My participation will certainly erode my ever decreasing anonymity.

My getting active in this particular activity may also be a source of discomfort for some of the participants. To put what they are doing in jeopardy because of my inconvenient bad habits wouldn't be right. I certainly don't want my involvement to create problems for those who are trying to do things to make the world, our world a better place for the 99%.

Yeah, that's right, I'm talking about Occupy Erie.

I certainly have the time, if not the physical stamina to help out in some small ways. I also don't have a lot of material resources to contribute, although the stuff that rattles between my ears seems to have fallen on interested ears.

All things considered, better there or here rather than in that chemical trap I set for myself. Another diversion to keep me occupied instead of daydreaming and fantasizing about a hit will feel like at a certain moment in time.

Will it be an permanent solution to my appetite for an occasional hit?

Probably not, but in the short term I'm going to roll with that. An occasional drink and a few tokes off of a joint will help to cushion things for a bit as well. Activity of any sort is an improvement.

So, until they get tired of my face I'll hang out a bit with the Occupy folks. They really don't seem to mind my presence. Until things regarding what and who I am become a problem I'll continue to do whatever is within my abilities. It's also an improvement over sitting inside doing little other than trolling for trouble on the interwebz.

The bottom line is though, it's something that is much more than just about me.

Maybe it's time to think about things beyond just me.

Far beyond just me.

And then there were two

It just seems that things have fallen into a routine of sorts. No extraordinary events of any import have happened since the last time I was here. From the point of view of the big wide world not too extraordinary.

Yeah, there have been a few days that a pipe was hit. Yeah there have been a discussion with Uncle Vladimir, the rot gut cheap ass vodka that Don drinks. There were a few stupid texts sent out and there were the usual feelings of regret that goes along with that drunken behavior.

But despite those things, life has settled into a pattern of getting up somewhere between 6:00 and 7:00 A.M. This is because of the cats.

Yes, cats.

Moo, who took up residence here in June now has a sister to help her keep her girlish figure. Her name is Shui. Yeah, my cats, my names. Living in Erie and reading over the years about certain ethnic restaurants being found with cats ready to cook in their kitchens sparked this particular twist in me. So last Thursday night Don and I were sipping his clear liquid poison out in front of the building.

At some point in time another neighbor announced that her cat Cuddles had run away yet again. According to her this was at least the second time in a week this had happened. After listening to her tale and filling in some blanks I volunteered to take the cat into my care.

The fact is after listening to some of the details she provided, I knew she was throwing the cat away. There is no way that critter could have gotten out without some assistance. So with alcohol lubricated feelings and reasoning, Cuddles became Shui.

There is not going to be any creature named fucking Cuddles in this house.

Really...

What grinds me is the world we live in today is the fact that so much is disposable. Some things are understandable to a degree. But so often living things are disposed of with a sense of impunity as being worthless or not having enough value to keep.

I know from my own experience that it's not just cats that get thrown away.

I'm getting restless.

The need to have an adventure is becoming overwhelming.

It's a case of wanderlust to a great degree. An urge to go somewhere beyond the neighborhood. The yearning to see things I haven't before or things I haven't seen in a great while. I want to get out of Dodge.

Not permanently, but to escape for a little bit.

To meet people who I know but never really met. To breath air a little different than the air in this hole. My apartment that is and not the town. But the urge to get out of town or go down a road never or barely traveled is nagging at me. The yearning to just pick up and explore new places or again visit places is stirring inside of me.

There are limitations.

Yes, I know there are physical challenges, but those are the least of it all. Those things can be overcome with just a bit of willpower. Those barriers are not insurmountable. If anything, sheer stubbornness will carry me through.

The real issue is one of other resources.

Just hopping into my car is not a possibility, as I no longer have access to one. Part of the costs of doing what I do best. A bus is a possibility but planning is required. Financially I might be able to accomplish some of this if it weren't for one small hindrance.

There's this monkey who keeps tapping me on the shoulder. Well, that's what people who don't have to carry one around might call the thing. The problem is that times it's a seething, screaming, venomous, puss oozing five hundred pound gorilla.

That gorilla almost always wins as well.

Still, I just want to get away for a little while. I just don't want to be sitting still while I do that. To be someplace other than this place, even for a day or so would be heaven. a healthy escape from this monkey house.

There are those who know exactly what I mean.

For those of you who don't, be grateful.

The last day.

Well the last day of another ride around the sun.

A few more spins than most I know and a few less than others in my life. Along the way some have finished their ride. There are others who have also just hopped aboard.

I hope I get to meet them before my ride is over.

Yeah. Another year older. Perhaps none the wiser but maybe just a tad more cautious. New things, new experiences and new people are still out there to be enjoyed. In some cases one might also say there are also things merely to be endured as well.

If I have anything, it's endurance.

Keeping my eyes open for those experiences is not quite as acute as in the past. But I'm still curious about a great many things. It's part of what or who makes up me. It's sort of like an adventure that has little twists and turns with each passing day. Sometimes the twists and turns come at a rapid fire pace and faster than I can absorb or process these events.

So, sometimes I just have to sit and try to figure how it all unravels.

Like when you go fishing and your reel backlashes when you make a cast. That's when life often gets very interesting as well. It's almost a guarantee that some dumb ass fish is going to take that bait while your trying to unravel the mess that's your line.

That certainly makes things more interesting, as in that Chinese curse interesting.

In many respects my daily life has been reduced to basic common denominators. Very few complications, very few responsibilities and not many demands. Bills and personal debts are paid, necessities are bought and enough cash is set aside for dire emergencies.

Well, small emergencies anyway.

Life has returned to "normal" in some respects around here. Don and his Uncle Vlad have become reacquainted. Library books are going to be due soon, so a trip to the library is on the horizon. Lunch at the Mission has been avoided for awhile, so I need to stop by and see what's good to eat.

Moo has been working hard at training me, although there have been a few mornings when her breakfast was a little later than she would prefer. We have an agreement on where she takes a dump as well. Keeping a few inches of water in the tub has aided in that effort. Now we're working on when it's her computer time.

So to celebrate another spin around the sun, I'm going celebrate quietly and contemplate some things. I'm also going make a big cast out into the pond.

I ain't gonna' put my thumb on the reel spool either.

It's how you catch fish.

A little help from my friends.

As each day passes it seems I know less and less. I try to understand some things about me and others for a matter of fact, but things are no clearer to me than they were in the past.

I know part of the problem is my continual tinkering with my "wiring." It's part of the deal with us crack heads. Just when we get a grip on things, everything turns around. And while nothing is static or lasts forever, there should be some constants.

But nothing is guaranteed.

There are no sure bets.

There aren't any easy answers.

Nothing is cast in stone.

The thing that I've found is that if help is asked for, it's usually there in some form. People seem to give a shit, even if I don't. And being someone who is a survivor in many regards, there is something wrong with my way of thinking about myself.

Part of that admittedly faulty thinking is fear. Fear is a root of many of the wrong things that are part of me. At the same time I sit here saying I have nothing to fear.

Let's just say "Unreasonable Fears R Me!"

One thing is very clear to me. When asked for, help is usually there. Sometimes it comes from unexpected sources. While I'm not exactly certain why, it has always surprised me. Often it comes from people who are in similar situations as mine. The helpless helping the hopeless. In many ways it seems to work as well. In a way, it also seems to make perfect sense.

With that said, I do manage to get by with a little help from my friends.

Click the title, it says it all.

How you doin'?

Who me?

Actually not too bad for the past few days. Getting outside more has been a help. Listening to the newly mostly sober Don has been enlightening to a degree as well. No calls from the Dude has enhanced that feel good feeling.

I say mostly sober Don, as he bought a bottle of wine a few nights ago. Ruinite Blackberry something or other. As he calls it, Ruinyournightie Blackberry wine. Looking out for his best interests I drank three fourths of that bottle.

Just doing my part, you know.

My good mood has been tinged with a bit of snarkiness.

Moo, the Wonder Cat has been challenging in that she believes my shower to be a littler box. I'm not sure if she's pissed off at me or confused. A friend suggested that I might be keeping her box too clean and she has lost the scent. More research into this is required. My chasing her around the house last night with a squirt gun probably didn't help the matter.

Not catching her in the act, she's might be wondering what getting her ass soaked was all about.

Safaris to the local convenience store, pharmacy and Dollar General have also provided opportunities to unleash a bit of pent up frustrations. Don and I discussed the possibility of panhandling the panhandlers.

Sort of like, "Hey, can you help a brother out?"
"Sorry, Bud, I can't but if you have any spare change it sure would be appreciated."

One fellow did piss me off. This guys routine is to sit there and ask almost everyone who passes for a smoke. He'll get a cigarette and immediately tuck it away. My guess is that he accumulates enough to carry him through for awhile and go elsewhere to smoke. So I sat a bench next to the one he was on and lit up a cigarette. Almost immediately he asks if I had another cigarette.

My quick response was, "No! Why don't you learn how to make them yourself, like I do." That may well have been better than my saying, "I don't smoke," with a cigarette in my hand.

Yes, I have said that on more than one occasion.

Anyways, for a moment I thought that clown was going to clock me. What happened instead was everyone around started laughing their asses off. It seems as though everyone who watched or hss been targeted by him at his game enjoyed that comeback. He looked away for an instant before hitting up the next guy walking by with a cigarette in their hand.

The shameless have no shame?

The funny thing is that since I have started making smokes myself, I'm a little touchier about folks who mooch them. I'm not sure what that is all about, but it's even gotten to the point where a neighbor asked for a cigarette a few nights ago. I gave her five made up smokes, a hand full of tubes , some loose tobacco and the little hand held machine to make them.

Then I said to her, "Give a man a fish and he eats for a day..."

Don't know how that went over, but hopefully she has developed a knack for shooting them out.

So, how am I doin'?

Today, I'm better than OK.

How YOU doin'?

An extraordinarily unextraordinary week

While some things of interest did indeed happen, most of the world wouldn't have noticed. From any other vantage point I probably wouldn't have noticed either. But I have a front row seat to some of the most mundane occurrences in this part of the world.

The non-drinking Don has been walking the soles off of of my feet for starters. Let's go here, let's go there. And we don't have to stop every 100 yards to take a break anymore. It's almost getting to the point where I might just buy him a bottle to slow down his perky ass.

Naw, that would be just plain wrong.

Maybe.

Passing on a couple of trips actually was a necessity on my part. Cramming into a strangers car, or tempting fate by getting stranded 10 miles from home would have done little to improve my sense of humor. While the chance of getting lost or stranded aren't particularly frightening, I would prefer it be done on my terms.

I did get Don to go with me to an opening of a gallery or something along that lines. A friend's paintings were hanging on the walls, and I wanted to see them in a proper light. Actually I have seen few of his paintings anyway, so this gave me an opportunity to see more of his work. This outing also provided the chance to be around people instead of being holed up.

I also made Don pay the admission/donation for the event.

Another extraordinary occurrence was Don made dinner. It should be noted that for over a year and a half he has been threatening to do so and he finally did just that. Well mostly, as he did cook the steaks and veggies. I cooked and smashed the potatoes. He actually set a place on the coffee table and served it as well.

Small wonders.

On another front, visits from the Dude have been lessened to a degree. No available cash and Don's sobriety have had me not calling him as often. Not entirely crack-less, but the amounts this month have been lower by any one's standard. While Don is owed a bit, it certainly isn't anything like in the past. I may even have a head start on a financially healthy October.

I hate looking that far into the future, but some goals are better than none at all.

So while the rest of the world just buzzed along at it merry pace, there was little attention paid to these unextraordinary events. Well, almost no attention was paid as in the big scheme of things, these had little effect on the rest of the world.

It's nice to know it wasn't entirely unnoticed though...