Since February 28th

Not much has happened of consequence.

Well, that isn't entirely true as there have people who have entered my life in some measure and some that I have even met face to face. I did go on a short trip to Michigan to take part in Hash Bash. I have also consumed my usual ration of crack during that period of time.

There has been no walking on water or other miraculous events.

Much of my life and interaction with people is on online forums of one sort or another. That is the product of my having a difficult time getting outside whenever the mood hits me. The weather doesn't help that either. Not having a vehicle doesn't enhance the chances of my being out as well.

But have you seen the price of gas?

The people that have to a degree entered my online and to a degree real life run the entire spectrum as well. To casual acquaintances through deep and solid friendship. Most of these people have never sat across from me. In some cases they don't have a clue what I look like nor would I recognize them if we passed on a street. There are a very few who I actually talk with on the phone.

I'm certain the image my voice conjures up is Kermit the Frog.

So, while people actually hanging out with me is rare, but frequent enough for my tastes, it's not like there is no one to talk to should the need arise. So a free flow of bullshit, jokes, gossip and real, real conversations are part of my life.

For that I am grateful.

The trip to Michigan brought me face to face with a character I have corresponded with and spoke to on the phone many times. Sometimes the call is nothing more than "Hey, how you doin'?" In my shoes, sometimes a call from someone like that is huge.

But anyway, I attended an event quite unlike anything I have ever experienced before. It certainly isn't because I have lead a sheltered life, but from not being the right place at the right time. In short, I have never been anywhere where a huge group of people, in the street, in broad daylight, in front of uniformed police and yes God too, smoked, shared and enjoyed cannabis.

Just walking around the street fair, looking over at this kid taking a hit and smiling. Then he smiles and passes his joint to me. The first time that happened in my life. Complete stranger shares his doob with me. I was at first unnerved, but did the puff, puff, passed it back. It was good and I told him so as I thanked him.

What I thought was an isolated incident turned out to be anything but...

On that note I owe a great deal of gratitude to those who pushed and prodded me to take that trip. In many ways it almost didn't happen but there were those who looked at it for me as a "Better that than that" type of thing. Also thanks need to be expressed to those who put me up for the night and tolerated my bad jokes and twisted sense of humor. Most importantly, new friends were made and some friendships strengthened.

Yes, I did get high with a little help from my friends.

Smoking mother nature is miles away from smoking crack. As mentioned earlier, there was plenty of that going on as well. Not at Hash Bash, but before I went and after I had returned. I knew it was going to happen and planned accordingly. It's a plan I will be employing in the future as well.

With a little help from my friends...

Can a Crackhead be trusted?

Obviously not...

I had made a decision to stop posting to this blog about two months ago. While the reasons for doing so still flit through my mind, those reasons really don't carry the same currency as they did when I posted my last entry.

Things change.

The fact of the matter is that this blog has been one of the few truly healthy outlets for my expressing hopes, fears and frustrations. Not writing here and not getting feedback has left a hole of sorts inside of me. I know what the 12 Step folks would have to say about filling that hole, but that just doesn't cut it for me.

I don't consider myself an atheist, a God of my understanding is still as illusive to me today as it was when I was forced to go to my first 12 step meeting.

That aside, there seemed to be a pressure building as the time passed from my post of February 28th, 2011 until about 15 minutes ago. That's when I started beating on the keyboard to fill this form. The decision to start this up again was not taken lightly either.

I asked people I respect and trust for their opinions.

The responses were by and large positive. I already knew that in some fashion that I would be writing something somewhere. The response I was shooting for from these trusted folks wasn't just a yes or no answer either. I guess some sort of validation was required before I resumed this thing.

Suggestions were made in regards to maintaining focus. Some suggested downplaying the using aspect of my life. Others mentioned the possibility of changing the venue, so to speak. A couple of people suggested reinventing myself.

The thing with that is no matter how I appear to others, I still am just me to me.

One person said, "Why do you care what I think? Just do it..." Another person was "stoked" that I was contemplating a return to posting in this blog. One person simply said that this blog helped them. Considering the source of those remarks, I almost had no choice but to return here.

I am no Maya Angelou, but I think this statement holds true for every single one of us, "There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you." So while posts may not be as frequent as in the past, but they will appear when the pressure of what ever is chewing at me dictates some action. Posting private shit publicly has had it's benefits.

So, with all that said and to those who may have been happy when I stopped posting or are unhappy that I have resumed this blog, I leave you with this:



I am now squeezing my eyes shut tight as I click "Publish Post."

A Crackhead in Erie

This is the last post I'll be making in this blog.

As mentioned before, there are a lot of reasons for that, but primarily it has gotten out of hand. Firstly because my anonymity has been shot in the ass. I have no one to fault for that beyond myself.

Betraying my own anonymity has had some negative effects on me and on the people who are close to me. Well, maybe not close to me, but people who have known me in the past and those who may have wandered through my door recently. Some people have used that association, either in real life or in online situations as a freak flag of sorts. That has created some tension and bad blood.

My fault for allowing that, not theirs.

The other thing was that this blog was supposed to be a place to write about what was happening in my life and to be used as a tool for making improvements in my life. In some regards that has happened but some things changed in a negative fashion. While I started this essentially as a guide post for me, I started writing to an audience. Not good. I also started writing at people.

That is even worse.

As mentioned in an earlier post, I felt hypocritical. Who the hell am I to tell people what is right or wrong. I became someone who I would avoid at all costs when someone started in on me in any fashion. Jimi Hendrix said, "I'm the one that has to die when it's time for me to die, so let me live my life, the way I want to."

So that philosophy will be applied to myself and those who I may meet down the road.

A new private blog has been started. No one has been invited to see what's contained within it at this time. I'm not sure anyone will be able to view it at all. It's a matter of trust and I have little trust in many people and even less for myself.

The other part of this is that I have discovered something that frightens me to no end. I am really good at playing people. Manipulative to no end with an eye towards getting what I want and to hell with anyone else. The most terrifying part is that I am an expert at getting over on myself. That might well have little to do with hitting a crack pipe and more to do with just being selfish.

So I leave those of you who for whatever reason have read this blog with this:

How readers have gotten to this blog.

It does appear that a great many of readers are indeed locals. That is supported by the fact that the vast majority of visits have been from local sources, such as ErieBlogs.com and GoErie.com. More than a few were referred to this site through searches on the different engines available to us all.

The focus of this post is some of the search terms that brought those readers here. I'm not certain they found what they were looking for, but I thought that answering some questions posed by those searches might be helpful to someone.

Or not.

Anyway, the following is a list and my response to some search terms that have shown up on the stats for this blog:

Crackheads in my neighborhood.

There are places in Erie that do indeed have an over abundance of smokers wandering around. Even in the depths of winter, they can be found on certain areas, hustling to scrap up enough to get a twenty piece.

I can only imagine the frustration of some residents in these neighborhoods because of the apparent drug seeking behavior. Girls on the stroll and johns circling the the streets, dealers wheeling about looking for their customers, crackheads ducking between houses or into an alley to do a quick hit doesn't enhance in a positive way the aura of a neighborhood.

Not to downplay this, but Erie is fortunate in that this activity is not nearly as bad or as evident as it is in others cities. But if you know what to look for, you will find it anywhere.

To look at that search in another light is that there are crackheads in almost every neighborhood. From the center of the city to gated and guarded exclusive developments in some of the wealthiest communities in the country where having the right key code or having a guard buzz you in are a requirement of entry.

So basically, we're everywhere.

My ex (all types apply) is a crackhead and left me for someone else.

Throw a party and don't find a new crackhead to replace the one who left. Unless of course you are a smoker as well, as they may come in handy to get what you need.

Missing in action.

Well if there were doubts in your mind about someone being involved with crack, this is a sure marker. People wonder and fret. Loved ones anguish about what could have happened. Hospitals are called and in some cases even the police.

Usually three or five or more days later the MIA returns burnt out, broke and perhaps without their vehicle. Tall tales ensue and promises are made, but essentially the crackheads well guarded secret is revealed. The shit hits the fan and this is where many of us make our way into our first rehab.

That's right, first rehab.

It should also be mentioned that after that first big run, the blossoming crackhead will hide out in the D&A or psych ward of their local hospital. That's so they can figure out a good line of bullshit when finally confronted by family or friends. Whether they are aware of it or not, hospital staff and counselors are also great at supplying material for the end tale we may weave.

It's called "The 12 Steps."

How to find someone mentally incompetent in Erie, PA.

Sadly, one need not look too far walking around in downtown Erie. Many of the homeless have serious issues. Even those who have some sort of shelter seem to find themselves in or about the center of this town. Many I suspect are coming or going from the various social service agencies as well as the places where a hot meal can be had to get them through the day.

I tend to believe that the number will increase as funding for those agencies as well as other programs gets squeezed out of government budgets at all levels.

And that is a sad state of affairs.

Can you trust a crackhead in jail.

That might be one of the only places you can trust one of us. The subject of trusting crackheads is covered in other entries to this blog.

What will a crackhead do sexually.

There are a few variations on the query, but that was the one that stuck with me. About the same things you, you or even you would do sexually. Sometimes it will happen quicker but all too often the focus is on the drug and all other interests are way beyond secondary.

21 year old girl needs money in Erie, PA.

That one still has me scratching my head.

There may be one more post left in me for this public place, but again the blog will not be added to by me after tomorrow and comments will be shut down as well.

Early morning September 8, 2010

I had been doing way too much "medicine." As in, let's see how much I really can take. Happily, as I live on a fixed income and have spent most of my money on evil crack, it doesn't take too much to get really fucked up.



It's that stream of consciousness crap that often happens to those who partake. I wasn't going to do anything with it beyond save it in an email file. But since this blog is coming to an end, I thought I would share it with anyone interested.



Those who have had conversations with me while I or we were stoned already know how I am under the influence of cannabis. By and large an insufferable smart ass. For the most part it's just stupid fun. But I was indeed having a conversation with myself. Part of writing it in the first place was too see what it looked like the following day. Now I know why I took so long to look at that note to myself.



Silly insanity, totally unedited spew follows with apologies to Betty White and Sam Kinison, where ever you are:


Now...this is fucked up, but..

Am I or have I been just a crazy loon lost in his own world. Wondering whether the rest of the world cared, or if he even did himself. (This warrants serious editing tomorrow).

Some say crazy, ohters say lost.

I prefer lost, but who knows?

Some say...and I'm not quite sure of what all is said, but ...(I've gotten lost in my own minds mirages)

And all this because of a few hits of "medicine." Is it? Yes, in a way it is, like soma in "A Brave New World." Yes, as in it will make the lives of many with ailments traditional treatments have been useless. And all of this does indeed have it's pros and cons, the results either way, frighten me.

Good thing I'm not sending this anywhere public. I have done so in error in the past, and that makes me uncomfortable to know that there are those who recognize that I do lose inhibition on occasion.

Will this make any sense to anyone, especially me tomorrow? I guess we'll find out.

Should I continue to ramble or just call it quits right here.? (Fruedian slip...or just me fuckin' with me?)

Anyway...

Saving this bullshit for the future might be a waste, it might aslo be a shame it it were not saved.

Yep...The whole world is crazy, except for you and for me, but sometimes I'm not to sure about you. Who owns that quote?

Some say that I'm crazy. There are those who say that I'm just lost.

I'm going with lost. I hope...

So, where did that come from? I must have seen it someplace. Wondering around, trying to find myself, becuase, yep I was lost.

Or is this just me doing a mental "Beer Barre Polka" with whoever stumbles into this place.

If I have offended anyone, tough shit. You knew what I was like when you invited me into your fucking computers! I was in one of those moods like the comedian who wore the beret...long hair. I'll look that up tomorrow AM)

This may be edited later, when I'm not so fugged up, to increase impact on bullshit I deem in need of more impactiveness, and to softener shit that may put me in a poor light. (You ain't got balls sonny if you don't post that with everything else above it...Do ya'?)

I wonder what you'll think about all this horse shit in the morning. And fuck, wouldn't you know. I editing while i'm writing this and trying to say it won't be edited in the mornig beyond the editing that might be allowed somewhere above where you're reading this.) Some how this all sounds oh so fucked up. No more editing..tonight anyway. yeah right. Maybe.

I'm not sure if another toke is in order as things are starting to fall into place. Like what am I doing writing this nonsense and waiting to see what come out the other side in the morning. Part is to see if any of this makes sense when read in a different light. Part of me is still on the lost or thing.

Would it be correct to think that there is a baby boomer equivialnt of Sex and the City. Comprised of widows, spinsters, divorcees and mothers. Wait, I'm sorry. they sort of did that in the past. Golden Girl's. And yes, Betty is still hot. She so sweet...

OK...the buzz is wearing off. It's time to send this. Where it goes is where it is you got your balls.

I'm gonna' do a toke after I hit send..So fuck you all.

BYE!

Right,, wrong or otherwise...

This is how I am going to do this...

I have at least one more post to this blog to do yet. It concerns some things I've discovered in the stats. In particular, questions raised in search terms some have used to get to this blog. Some of which I find amusing and others that are indeed disturbing.

But that's not what is going to be addressed right now.

I will be making no more entries after March 1st in this public place. A private blog will be set up with the possibility of those with sincere a interest to be allowed to view and comment on. I'm bouncing back and forth on that but writing about what I know and what I feel has helped me to a degree. There have indeed been comments in this blog that have given me food for thought and have helped immeasurably.

Not all feedback has been ignored.

In the seventeen months that this blog has been in existence there have been over 10,000 views. Not a lot by internet standards, as there is a particularly narrow focus on who might be interested in this type of material. But someone is reading it and hopefully getting something positive from what has been written here.

Or it could be one person with OCD that keeps clicking on the link.

Seriously though, the stats do point out some things that make me believe this might be required reading for a psych class. There are weird spikes in readership, when say 12 to 25 views are made all at one time. The spikes have little to do with when a new post is published, but are at regular intervals.

It also just might be the Crack Blog of the Month Club.

My hope is though perhaps there might be someone out there who can figure out the right words to say to a crackhead to make them stop and say to themselves, "Oh, fuck! Why didn't I see that myself."

There certainly those out there who will say that I just don't want to see the obvious. Then again, maybe I've gone too far.

There is also one doctoral candidate that is using at least some of this for source material for their thesis. It is entirely possible that what is in that thesis will kick my ass, but I do so want to read that paper after it's been submitted. Hopefully their submission will be well accepted and my awareness of their presence won't hurt the veracity of that thesis.

I also hope that whatever is gleaned from this personal crap publicly displayed will help them help others.

Lastly, there are those who haven't commented publicly, but have sent me private emails. I guess those were the ones who really got what I was trying to do here. People in my shoes or with someone close to them with similar problems in their lives. I'm crossing my fingers for all of us.

With all that said, the blog as published to March 1, 2011 will stay online. Comments will be shut down and I will no longer make a spectacle of myself and others here.

Well, not here anyways...

A Circus or a Sideshow

Effective March 1, 2011 this blog will be taken off line.

It has become apparent to me that it may be in some ways causing more harm than good. There are issues of guilt by association regarding some people who know or knew me being affected by what I pour out on this.

My original intention was to write about what life was for a crackhead who also happened to live in Erie, PA. In some respects I feel I have painted a picture that sufficiently lets the world know what a miserable condition this is to endure.

I also wrote it as a guidepost for myself in what progress I've made toward abstinence. In all honesty, I haven't done too well in that regard. I also have to re-examine my "Harm Reduction Plan." In some cases that may well be in need of serious tightening up. In particular to harm I may have done to others.

I also fear that too many people are aware of who I am and some other characters, while unnamed are also known by some. Hurting people was not my intent. I fear I may have done just that...

I will continue writing, but it will not be available to the general public. I really need to find out what my real goals are if any and how I might attain those goals.

I just feel that there are too many who are reading for entertainment value or trying to live or relive a junkie life vicariously through this blog.

That's fucked up.

Until March 1st, those who have a real interest, for what ever reason are welcome to get what they need. After that it may be opened to those who have a sincere interest in what this is all about. Maybe it will help someone. I had thought was the case at one time and now I am no longer sure of that fact.

This is no soap opera either...