The last day.

Well the last day of another ride around the sun.

A few more spins than most I know and a few less than others in my life. Along the way some have finished their ride. There are others who have also just hopped aboard.

I hope I get to meet them before my ride is over.

Yeah. Another year older. Perhaps none the wiser but maybe just a tad more cautious. New things, new experiences and new people are still out there to be enjoyed. In some cases one might also say there are also things merely to be endured as well.

If I have anything, it's endurance.

Keeping my eyes open for those experiences is not quite as acute as in the past. But I'm still curious about a great many things. It's part of what or who makes up me. It's sort of like an adventure that has little twists and turns with each passing day. Sometimes the twists and turns come at a rapid fire pace and faster than I can absorb or process these events.

So, sometimes I just have to sit and try to figure how it all unravels.

Like when you go fishing and your reel backlashes when you make a cast. That's when life often gets very interesting as well. It's almost a guarantee that some dumb ass fish is going to take that bait while your trying to unravel the mess that's your line.

That certainly makes things more interesting, as in that Chinese curse interesting.

In many respects my daily life has been reduced to basic common denominators. Very few complications, very few responsibilities and not many demands. Bills and personal debts are paid, necessities are bought and enough cash is set aside for dire emergencies.

Well, small emergencies anyway.

Life has returned to "normal" in some respects around here. Don and his Uncle Vlad have become reacquainted. Library books are going to be due soon, so a trip to the library is on the horizon. Lunch at the Mission has been avoided for awhile, so I need to stop by and see what's good to eat.

Moo has been working hard at training me, although there have been a few mornings when her breakfast was a little later than she would prefer. We have an agreement on where she takes a dump as well. Keeping a few inches of water in the tub has aided in that effort. Now we're working on when it's her computer time.

So to celebrate another spin around the sun, I'm going celebrate quietly and contemplate some things. I'm also going make a big cast out into the pond.

I ain't gonna' put my thumb on the reel spool either.

It's how you catch fish.

A little help from my friends.

As each day passes it seems I know less and less. I try to understand some things about me and others for a matter of fact, but things are no clearer to me than they were in the past.

I know part of the problem is my continual tinkering with my "wiring." It's part of the deal with us crack heads. Just when we get a grip on things, everything turns around. And while nothing is static or lasts forever, there should be some constants.

But nothing is guaranteed.

There are no sure bets.

There aren't any easy answers.

Nothing is cast in stone.

The thing that I've found is that if help is asked for, it's usually there in some form. People seem to give a shit, even if I don't. And being someone who is a survivor in many regards, there is something wrong with my way of thinking about myself.

Part of that admittedly faulty thinking is fear. Fear is a root of many of the wrong things that are part of me. At the same time I sit here saying I have nothing to fear.

Let's just say "Unreasonable Fears R Me!"

One thing is very clear to me. When asked for, help is usually there. Sometimes it comes from unexpected sources. While I'm not exactly certain why, it has always surprised me. Often it comes from people who are in similar situations as mine. The helpless helping the hopeless. In many ways it seems to work as well. In a way, it also seems to make perfect sense.

With that said, I do manage to get by with a little help from my friends.

Click the title, it says it all.

How you doin'?

Who me?

Actually not too bad for the past few days. Getting outside more has been a help. Listening to the newly mostly sober Don has been enlightening to a degree as well. No calls from the Dude has enhanced that feel good feeling.

I say mostly sober Don, as he bought a bottle of wine a few nights ago. Ruinite Blackberry something or other. As he calls it, Ruinyournightie Blackberry wine. Looking out for his best interests I drank three fourths of that bottle.

Just doing my part, you know.

My good mood has been tinged with a bit of snarkiness.

Moo, the Wonder Cat has been challenging in that she believes my shower to be a littler box. I'm not sure if she's pissed off at me or confused. A friend suggested that I might be keeping her box too clean and she has lost the scent. More research into this is required. My chasing her around the house last night with a squirt gun probably didn't help the matter.

Not catching her in the act, she's might be wondering what getting her ass soaked was all about.

Safaris to the local convenience store, pharmacy and Dollar General have also provided opportunities to unleash a bit of pent up frustrations. Don and I discussed the possibility of panhandling the panhandlers.

Sort of like, "Hey, can you help a brother out?"
"Sorry, Bud, I can't but if you have any spare change it sure would be appreciated."

One fellow did piss me off. This guys routine is to sit there and ask almost everyone who passes for a smoke. He'll get a cigarette and immediately tuck it away. My guess is that he accumulates enough to carry him through for awhile and go elsewhere to smoke. So I sat a bench next to the one he was on and lit up a cigarette. Almost immediately he asks if I had another cigarette.

My quick response was, "No! Why don't you learn how to make them yourself, like I do." That may well have been better than my saying, "I don't smoke," with a cigarette in my hand.

Yes, I have said that on more than one occasion.

Anyways, for a moment I thought that clown was going to clock me. What happened instead was everyone around started laughing their asses off. It seems as though everyone who watched or hss been targeted by him at his game enjoyed that comeback. He looked away for an instant before hitting up the next guy walking by with a cigarette in their hand.

The shameless have no shame?

The funny thing is that since I have started making smokes myself, I'm a little touchier about folks who mooch them. I'm not sure what that is all about, but it's even gotten to the point where a neighbor asked for a cigarette a few nights ago. I gave her five made up smokes, a hand full of tubes , some loose tobacco and the little hand held machine to make them.

Then I said to her, "Give a man a fish and he eats for a day..."

Don't know how that went over, but hopefully she has developed a knack for shooting them out.

So, how am I doin'?

Today, I'm better than OK.

How YOU doin'?

An extraordinarily unextraordinary week

While some things of interest did indeed happen, most of the world wouldn't have noticed. From any other vantage point I probably wouldn't have noticed either. But I have a front row seat to some of the most mundane occurrences in this part of the world.

The non-drinking Don has been walking the soles off of of my feet for starters. Let's go here, let's go there. And we don't have to stop every 100 yards to take a break anymore. It's almost getting to the point where I might just buy him a bottle to slow down his perky ass.

Naw, that would be just plain wrong.

Maybe.

Passing on a couple of trips actually was a necessity on my part. Cramming into a strangers car, or tempting fate by getting stranded 10 miles from home would have done little to improve my sense of humor. While the chance of getting lost or stranded aren't particularly frightening, I would prefer it be done on my terms.

I did get Don to go with me to an opening of a gallery or something along that lines. A friend's paintings were hanging on the walls, and I wanted to see them in a proper light. Actually I have seen few of his paintings anyway, so this gave me an opportunity to see more of his work. This outing also provided the chance to be around people instead of being holed up.

I also made Don pay the admission/donation for the event.

Another extraordinary occurrence was Don made dinner. It should be noted that for over a year and a half he has been threatening to do so and he finally did just that. Well mostly, as he did cook the steaks and veggies. I cooked and smashed the potatoes. He actually set a place on the coffee table and served it as well.

Small wonders.

On another front, visits from the Dude have been lessened to a degree. No available cash and Don's sobriety have had me not calling him as often. Not entirely crack-less, but the amounts this month have been lower by any one's standard. While Don is owed a bit, it certainly isn't anything like in the past. I may even have a head start on a financially healthy October.

I hate looking that far into the future, but some goals are better than none at all.

So while the rest of the world just buzzed along at it merry pace, there was little attention paid to these unextraordinary events. Well, almost no attention was paid as in the big scheme of things, these had little effect on the rest of the world.

It's nice to know it wasn't entirely unnoticed though...

Internutz and real life....

I had my profile on Facebook deleted. I'm not entirely sure why, but suspect it was nothing more than being a "fake" profile. Some sort of way to eliminate cyber bullying is the official reason given for these types of deletions. Sadly the reasoning is lost on me as well as deletions to others for things that amount to freedom of speech or expression.

To set up a new profile more hoops had to be jumped through but it has kept me busy to a degree.

Of course the hoops only provide more ways to keep track of us who may have multiple profiles for family, friends and neighbors, as well as having an outlet for amusement purposes. Some may look at it as an alter ego that can do things that you can only do in cyber spaces.

Let your imagination run wild and you can do it online where no-tell motels are more numerous than Mickey D's.

The reason this is mentioned is that a good percentage of my time is spent online. Erie Crackered, formally Erie Cracker on FB is a way of venting at times what is real. As mentioned in previous posts, my mask is wearing thin, but there is still a certain amount of protection in that guise. Those who know me have been great in keeping me...safe?

But I have some fun, try not to be too savage in my trollishness and friends have been made. The thing though, the fact is it is the internutz and isn't really real. It's just the people playing that are real. Sometimes that comes out humorously. Not to say that real facts and bits of lives are not shared. And that is how some have become friends beyond the names on the list.

It's also how a lot of hours get burned up that should be used for something more productive.

Like house cleaning.

Real life has been interesting lately as I have more company on a daily basis. Don, who happily is not drinking, has been an almost daily visitor for coffee. So much so that I'm thinking he needs a coffee pot as well. Not so he won't stop for coffee, but so I can go someplace in the morning for a change in scenery. It might also cut down on my coffee and creamer expenses.

Hey, have you checked the price of that stuff recently?

A side benefit is he is also getting me out of the house more often. A walk downtown for supplies. A stop by to talk with a few friends and to get some sunshine and fresh air. Winter will be soon enough, so for now the more often the better from my point of view. A way to keep my world broader than just a keyboard and a monitor.

I can make a pile of excuses to avoid those safaris, but more often or not I do get outside.

At the same time it has had an effect on my hitting the pipe. While not eliminated, my using has been curtailed in a fashion. Don's not drunk and throwing money at me. He actually is doing something I wish I could at times. He's using his cash to do things that make him happy. I'm less inclined to ask for money as well when he's sober.

So what is owed to him is considerably less than in the past. As in almost nothing.

Almost nothing.

This also lessens the chances of me taking a front from the Dude. My back up is not as sure as it was in the past. The benefits of another sobriety has had a ripple effect. I'm not complaining as it helps me do what at times I cannot do myself.

On a different note, Don and I went to Dollar General. He asked if I needed anything and I really didn't but as soon as I looked at anything to hard he was offering to purchase it for me. I relented and had him buy me a dictionary and a Diet Coke. I put it on the tab I owe him, but I'm certain he'll refuse to be repaid.

That does make me uncomfortable but...

I guess it makes him feel better and I'm all for that. Again, there's a ripple effect.

But what spoiled the trip was my needing to use a rest room. Dollar General doesn't allow customers to use theirs and frankly few places downtown allow "us" to use their facilities. When informed of their not having public restrooms I mischievously replied that I hoped I didn't end up pissing myself in the store.

But that's me. I just can't pass the chance to make a smart ass remark when it presents itself. Sometimes my outbursts aren't in good taste, whatever that is...

After all, you are reading this on the internutz, where anything can happen.

I really do hate...

Reformed smokers and reformed drinkers.

The thing is that they tend to think everyone else should be just like them. Their bright smiles as they spout their new found religion does get maddening at times. In a way, it all reminds me of someone trying sell Amway.

It really isn't soap they are trying to sell you.

With mixed feeling I am confronted with a sober Don. He hasn't had a drink in about 10 days. He tried to say almost a month, but I pulled the calendar out on him. I'll give him two weeks, based on when I was last aware that a bottle was bought.

I am happy in one sense. He is healthier looking and is getting out of his apartment on a daily basis. The down side sort of, is his dragging me out with him on the excursions. Yes, I know getting out is good for me, but I like to do shit on my terms.

The up side, and there are many, but in particular is Don has bought lunch for me on a couple of these trips. One place was a rather nice restaurant downtown in the old Boston Store. 'Under the Clock" is the kind of place I used to frequent in my old life. The other day going in there made me as nervous as a whore in church.

Perhaps I should say as nervous as me in church.

Sitting in there put an old perspective on my view of the world. It made me sad, mad and scared me as well. I got a bit of a taste of how some people view those on the street. A little bitter to say the least. It also brought back to mind some things lost. Not things so much, but...

There is an ulterior motive to Don's inviting along at times. He has money so he has been buying common sense things for his apartment. Because of his disabilities he has a hard time carrying these purchases. So I make myself useful and bite my tongue when I am tempted to say "Yes, Boss. No, Boss!"

I did make one mistake in this effort to cheer lead Don though... "If you ain't drinkin', I ain't crackin'!"

There is a benefit to me in that I can't borrow money from him for a few hits. Lack of a ready source of back up cash will make calling the Dude a little more less frequent. Calls offering fronts will also be easier to decline as well. Other resources are running low so....I have been hitting a bit more conservatively.

What Don doesn't know won't hurt him and I'm not going to clue him into what I'm doing.

Because we all know crackheads lie.

Mostly to ourselves.

But not all bad.

It's been a funny week...

Good things and bad things but, as I've come to discover, it's all about balance.
Honestly though, it could be much worse.

Left to my own devices, worse can be the case.

Really.

I did, indeed, take up The Dude on some small fronts.

Take a few of those, and they add up, but I have been more conservative in what I ask for, and the frequency. Phone rings, and the last reply was, "I need a break."

And I do need a break.

But everything will be covered, and inner determination has taken over to a degree.

I have noticed a change in my personality 48 to 96 hours after my last hit . Not a positive change either. Again, I believe there are some who understand that, and ignore my ignorance.

I get honors in ignorance and snarkiness on occasion.

Part of my snarkiness has been due to my neighbor, Don.

His health is truly crap, so bad that he can't even walk 100 yards without stopping to catch breath...

He's moving now, as it's been close to week since he's had a drink. He's become a bit more social.
I tend to isolate when the shit is in and working it's way out of my system.

So it's been three days...no, four days in a row that he's been here for coffee.

As an apology for handing him a ration of shit about his neediness, I made him dinner tonight.
A jar of Alfredo sauce, a couple of cans of chicken and a chopped up hot pepper over noodles is comfort food to me.

He didn't appear to dislike it, either...

He has gotten me out, and I encourage him to do the same.

It's a double edged sword, as he is now wanting to stock up on some items other than Vladimir and, since he has those physical problems, I get invited to come along to help get the stuff back to his home. There are times, because of that accident I had, that moving is not much easier for me.

But I have...tools.

So, last Friday, Saturday and Sunday, we went on these little safaris. For food, for smokes, for soda, and all the other incidentals he's stocking up on now.

While always an adventure, it can get tiring. I'm forced to wait while he takes a break.
Those stops try my patience, as I am not one for standing still.

I feel like a high school track coach.
"Come on Don, you can sit when you get to that sign..."

With all the activity, and Don's somewhat tenuous grasp on sobriety, my frustration with myself, and with others, has shone through. My own limitations, and my irritation at myself, have me taking it out on others from time to time.

Misplaced anger staves off the depression.

That goes right along with my sometimes not all that subconscious jones.

I do have outlets for that in a sense, through the insanity I engage in online, but I often forget that those people are real people as well.

Sometimes it's best to suspend reality in that somewhat healthier outlet. There are dangers there, but I've managed to avoid most of the traps; traps mostly set by myself.

I know full well that there are those amongst you who know exactly what I'm talking about.

In the midst of all this bad attitude, sunshine does fall.

It came again today through the mail.

People who know me from little more than the words we exchange see in me what I cannot see myself. Packages come that are packed with more than the items they contain, things that may never be able to be repaid or returned in kind. except the spirit in which they are given.

But I can, and I do pay forward.

Moo was treated to some toys and some treats.

Ron was given things I won't eat.

I truly think the sender knew exactly what they were doing...

The caring, and perhaps even more, that went into that box did something for me that mere things can't accomplish.

The gentle buzz provided didn't hurt either.