Monday, November 2, 2009

Making Choices.

Crackheads piss me off!

Yes, I fit the description to a T and have a hard time with the things I hate about myself. It is perhaps part of that self-loathing that fuels my occasional binges.

Who knows?

I've spent thousands of hours in therapy, in rehabs, in psych wards and in private counselors offices trying to figure it all out for myself. Regardless of all that I still find myself at the same place on an all too regular schedule.

Like when I get more than two dollars to rub together.

That aside, I really get upset by some crackhead behaviors that I see exhibited in others. it's the petty stuff that seems to gal me the most. "Do you have a spare smoke?" "I'm outta' toilet paper, can I borrow a roll from you?" "It's been awhile since I've had a decent meal, do you have something I can eat?"

Now, I do have to admit that whenever someone shows up and is hungry, I'll do what I can to get some food into them. The other stuff just grates all too much though. The other thing is that if they don't ask, sometimes they just take it upon themselves to help themselves to your stuff.

No asking, just taking.

At times I think there are entitlement issues at play here. I have something they want, they feel entitled to just taking what they want. The thing is that should I ever ask for a bit of something from another user, it's like pulling hen's teeth unless they can see some profit from the trade, loan or whatever.

Maybe I haven't reached the same place in my addictive behavior to just take other people's stuff. Maybe I'm cold hearted and just don't want to share what little I do own.

I had a few days in a row without going hungry. I wonder if that is not making me insensitive to the plight of my fellow crackheads.

Naw! After all it's all about making choices.

Besides, I'm POed because someone gave me attitude because I wouldn't give them my next to last cigarette.

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