It is complicated.

But Douglas Adams may have been right. Maybe the answer to life, the universe and everything is 42. That was the answer that the mythical computer Deep Thought spit out after an enormous amount of time pondering.

You do need be careful how you phrase questions when asking a computer, as they tend to be quite literal. Check that, the results are absolutely literal. Figurative responses at this point in time seems to be outside a machines capability and capacity. They are working on that, but it'll be awhile before the complexity of that function becomes part of the hardware and software.

Too many variables.

If Deep Thought had been a crackhead, the answer 42 would not have been forthcoming as it was in the book or the movie. Yes, I know that answer didn't come quickly, but I can imagine a constant demand from within Deep Thought along the lines of, "Processing functions will discontinue until another twenty dollars are deposited."

I am jealous of those who enjoy a simple life or at least a simpler appearing life. Not too long ago, my life was terribly uncomplicated and simple to a degree. Not a lot of possessions to worry about, which seem to complicate the lives of others. Not too many people to worry about, as I have by and large chased away, ran from or was abandoned by most people who have entered my life.

There are some exceptions, and that for the life of me has me mystified. Then again some of these people have looked a bit further than the crackhead, or knew me when I was an entirely different person. In many respects a button down collar Oxford shirt, navy blue V-neck sweater, khaki slacks kind of guy who liked vanilla ice cream. I'm very certain that guy will never return.

Crack wasn't part of the equation at one point in my life and I've stepped up to French Vanilla.

But since wandering off as I have, there have been people who have entered my life based solely on drugs. My drugs, their drugs, my cash or theirs. What I could give them and what they could give me. Playing off each other to get a buzz. Playing off each other to keep the buzz going. Playing off each other to get other things that may have been missing from our lives as well.

Crack has been a big reason some people have gotten close to me. Some have gotten too close. But the fact of the matter is if crack wasn't in the mix, many people who have wandered into and back out of my life over the past twenty years, wouldn't have given me a second thought.

Think about that little fact.

When there are differences that start with say age, outlooks, responsibilities, experiences, likes and dislikes, physical abilities or lack thereof one truly has to wonder about what the real attraction could be in a relationship. When the common denominator is a fucking drug, the outcome is predictable and not pretty. Take away the crack and the outcome might still be ugly.

I so wish I were wrong on that count.

Personal experiences, as well as anecdotal and empirical data all seem to bear that out to a great degree. And while there are some exceptions, they are few and far between. I know smokers from my past who contact between us has been maintained to a degree. We talk about things beyond when we have had our last hit or who's shit is better. For a little while anyway.

So life is complicated. But I can complicate the recipe for boiling water.

A reminder for those who think there is too much dwelling on all of this. I write this shit for me, you just get to peek at it and hopefully are not living it for yourselves. There is a process I have to put myself through from time to time, pounding it into my skull until it sticks.

So if you're getting bored, there are millions of other blogs that you may find more entertaining.