As in a few hours after my last post, I did cave in and buy some crack. I knew that it was going to be shit and wasn't wrong. Then I managed to get through a week before hitting it again. Still shit, still wasted some dollars and time. Still did nothing to improve me or the world around me.
Again, big surprise there...
It isn't so much as an improvement of any sort as an attempt at times to silence the roar. Quiet the beast perhaps or take a short chemical vacation from my past and present. More the past in may respects as the present in some fashion is more tolerable.
I keep myself busy.
I talk with friends and there are some who talk to me. At times I'm amazed some people would even bother giving me the time of day. But the phone rings, emails show up and posts and comments come into the electronic crack they call Facebook.
A friend from Michigan keeps in touch pretty regularly, a friend from Louisiana I haven't heard from in awhile also hollered at me. Neighbors and others stop by as well. Emails from some give me much to think about. People who trust me with their stuff have shown me a great deal about me. I have learned way more listening than all the jaw flapping I'm tend to do.
I do play as well.
While the amount of crack I've ingested has indeed declined, the amount of beer and cannabis has increased in some measure. In that there are pluses and minuses. The plus that the alcohol and bud hasn't been as mentally taxing on me. Well, not completely free from some consequences. The thing is though I'm not sitting in the kitchen or bedroom waiting for men in black combat gear to be crashing through my windows or ceiling.
Hell yes, there have been days when I've hit a pipe and it's felt like that.
Thing is though, and not to be a broken record, I get fucking randy when a few beers and a few tokes are inside of me. I ain't dead yet. But it is something I have to work on. Exercising a certain amount of personal self control is required. Letting the thought pass for the deed.
Actually I put a bit of that into practice in the past week.
A little.
Actually I have also thrown caution to the wind in other circumstances. I can be a pain in the ass. And also as mentioned in previous posts, most people laugh it off, gently tell me to shut up or just plain ignore me. At times I'm someone who needs to be taken in small doses.
But back to the learning things. and this was and is big for me.
I was given a tip to try to reconnect with someone who is distant from me for a number of reasons. Not as in completely shut out, but not overly enthusiastic about regular communication. I really don't want to talk about the how beyond saying this depends on our wonderful technology and patient persistence. A gently in your face everyday sort of thing.
Like a salesperson who doggedly refuses to give up.
I'm glad I know smart people.
Severe Addiction Linked to Vivid Dreams in Withdrawal
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Relapse dreams during recovery: What do they mean?
Science News features a fascinating look at the topic:
Click HERE
5 years ago
Your blog is your own best self therapy.
ReplyDelete~ZIG~
what zig said and i think a pet would do you good. my cat is 16 .. been thru more with me than most people. what a great companion and no, my door is not wide open anymore for just anyone to walk in and invade personal space .. i have a little furry pal i have to protect .. food for thought? perhaps. keep writing .. we learn from you too!
ReplyDeleteI was never happier than when I discovered that I could hide posts on my FB wall of people who annoy me. I am ruthless in my editing power, be it for bad language, religious zealot messages or inappropriate images. We reformed junkies are a tough lot- lots of high standards to uphold.
ReplyDeleteGood for you, EC, discovering the interactive joys of living.
Oy. I do not miss the crack one single bit.
ReplyDeleteIt was the one substance that had me by the tits. I never, ever thought I would stop doing it - then I found my replacement, which will remain a secret I take to the grave.
Ahem. I was a crackhead in Boston, where the dope men hang outside the local Christie's market. I spent many a night, getting beat by bastards who had nothing but baking soda and god knows what inside the bag in their mouths.
There's nothing worse than that feeling, especially if I'd already had a hit...
Life is life. None of us are perfect. I just try to do the best I can with everything I've got at the time. Sometimes I have more, other times there's less. It is what it is.
It's been a pleasure getting to know you, Erie.
Keep on writing! *Epic Hugs.*
I was going to avoid commenting on comments here. Mostly to avoid debate or argument. But there are things above that warrant a response.
ReplyDeleteZig - This is just part of that "therapy." So are friends whose ear I have and they have mine.
Anonymous #1 - Yes. a creature to keep me out of my own way and sleep on my head. AND I learn from you as well. Major league shit that is creating small fissures in a mighty thick wall. My wall and others.
Anonymous #2 - Is that a challenge? I have been annoying, distasteful and inappropriate at times, but that just part of my charm. :) And while my standards are times are kind of low, I do have them nonetheless.
Go Go - Different towns, different slingers but same results. Nothing worse than that feeling too when it's your last $20.
My imperfections seem to give me more comfort than trying to be perfect. Not a fuck it attitude but, like you, working with what's available at any particular time.
It's been great getting to know you and you keep writing as well. HUGS back atcha!