It's Time for a Change.

Many people who have successfully quit smoking rocks for extended periods of time have one thing in common in that endeavor. Something happened that helped turn their backs to taking that next hit. Most didn't go to rehab, almost none of these people have sat in meetings to have God remove the obsession. They just don't anymore. They can explain this fact no better than they could explain the reason why they were hitting the damned pipe in the first place.

What is true is that something or someone entered their lives and made them want to stop chasing the demon.

Now, I've been here before. I've been at a point where the advantages of not buying and smoking crack have been so attractive that short dry spells have been achieved. Every time something happened to make all that resolve disappear. Unexpected windfalls of money or someone coming by with a free one.

You know as well as the Erie Crackhead that there are no free hits or free lunch.

So there is something that is happening in the life of this crack head. In many respects it is not an huge event in respects to other things that have happened in the past. But it is an event that will want me to be on my best behavior and a better frame of mind. This is so what can hopefully takes place will be better appreciated.

What is this great event that has this crack head dropping the pipe?

I really don't want to talk about it in this increasingly public forum. To say more would remove the mask a bit more and people would start doing mental math, putting two plus two together. Those folks may well come up with 42, but that would be the wrong answer for the wrong question.

But this non-event in many respects has a lot of power and has me wanting to be on my best. To be available mentally and emotionally for someone who just might need me. Someone who has been too absent from the Crackhead's life and that has finally sunk in for me.

There have been precautions taken already to make this work. I don't have crackheads streaming in and out of the place, so no "free" hits will be staring me in the face. My dealer has informed me that home delivery will be spotty in the future as well. Transportation problems of an unspecified sort will curtail the same door to door service enjoyed in the past.

Anyway, this is where I am today. No expectations of being forever crack free are clouding my mind. If there is more crack in my future, we'll know when that happens. No promises are being made to anyone, including myself. It's just that I will be more careful in some choices.

The fact is that that shit is screaming at me right now. It's basically saying, "Are you fuckin' kiddin' me? You'll be geekin' to the max the next time Don waves a twenty in your face!"

That may well be so, but there are defenses in place for the short term. A little weed and a few beers have staved off making a call in the past. It'll work in the future as well, as long as I don't drink too much of that nasty ass vodka.

Not exactly the Hazelden model, but iHazeleden has about the same success rate as what I will be trying to accomplish. Sheesh, I should know, I've been through the freakin' place twice not counting their Fellowship Clubs.

If a hit does get taken, this much is also certain. It will be a setback. But it will not mean defeat, as long as I'm breathing after it's all gone. It's a setback and they provide opportunities all of their own. This is not a qualifier. This is a fact.

A little disappointed in myself

Why? Oh why?

Well with the best of intentions I had planned to go to the Erie Art Museum's Blues and Jazz Fest. It didn't happen and the only one to blame is me. I could have gotten a ride from a friend who had even offered to take me. But it was early and I didn't want to spend the whole day at the park.

Besides, the better groups were going to be playing later in the day.

The way a crackhead's mind works is even a mystery to me at times. But this much is clear. I had money in my pocket. I did have enough money to pay off Don, my vodka swilling neighbor. So I did pay him, as he was in a position of needing the cash right when it showed up.

I did have enough money to go to the fest and buy a T-shirt, which I thought were cool this year. I also had enough money to buy some food from the vendors and have something to drink as well. I even had enough money to have taken a cab home after everything was all said and done.

As usual though the money went to the Crack Man.

I didn't even sip Don's rot gut to get the ball rolling. It's as though an automatic reaction to having cash on hand is to call the Dude. Not a good thing to be certain, but it's a characteristic of mine that really needs work.

To add insult to this all, the twenty I paid back to Don was re-borrowed yesterday.

One other thing. This is a biggy to boot. The dryer in my building isn't working.

Now I have a machine full of wet clothes, and that mean I'm going to have to turn my boxers inside out yet again.

Well, they're not sticky yet.

It's Friday!

And in actuality it's just another day to me.

I survived, I have money in a safe place and I didn't get shot, overdose or get arrested. Yes, I did get high and yes, I did get ripped off as well. That's part of the deal when you're a crackhead. Sometimes I forget that if you deal with someone who smokes crack or deals crack you stand a chance of getting ripped off.

I think I should reread some of what's been previously posted here more often.

To add insult to injury the crack was crap. It's holiday, end of the month, checks are out crack. That means that it's cut to the point that you really have more soda than cocaine. People have money, have time off of work and they want to party. Dealers want to make as much as they can make during these periods, so they stretch it as much as possible.

The shits so bad that the dealers might not even be arrested for possession if they were caught.

But, I'm not broke.

I have things to do which are closer to what "normal" people do on a holiday weekend. I also plan to make some purchases that will improve my "quality of life." Damn, that's a departure from my previous behaviors. Things are not perfect but things are improving slowly.

So I repeat my mantra. Not my slogan, but my mantra: Better is Better.

You're damned right it is!

My Friend in Dallas

I have mentioned her from time to time because she keeps me awake periodically.

Calls from her come at the weirdest hours. Well, weird from most people's point of view. The calls will normally come in around 2 to 5 A.M. She is either drunk or high. Sometimes she is looking for a dealer's number or other times she just wants to talk for awhile.

She is, like anyone who uses crack including myself, not to be trusted. Again, I fall into that category myself. It must also be mentioned that not all crackheads are thieving, cheating and lying bastards. Actually, when crack is removed from the equation, most smokers are basically decent people.

Like me.

Getting back to my Dallas friend, there are times when I truly fear for this poor person's sanity. I'm happy I don't get high in her apartment anymore. The array of cutlery though out the place was unnerving. She did that to be able to defend herself from the IBI or any other imaginary or real agency that might come crashing through her ceiling. She may have had those knives out to use on whoever was getting high with her as well.

When she calls I ask how many knives she has hidden around the apartment. Her reply is invariably, "Fuck you."

I must have touched a nerve.

The calls many times involve trying to score crack from some extremely dubious characters. So, to feel a bit safer, she puts her phone on speaker while the deal is getting done. Her hope is that if anything bad happens, she'll at least have someone to call 911 or something to rescue her.

I'm live approximately 1400 miles from her home. I hope it never comes to her having to depend on my call to save her life. On the other hand, while this isn't much of a safety net, it's better than nothing at all. To a degree, she must have some trust in me.

Happily, I'm not that crazy yet.

But wait...

Don't Trust!

I know it's been mentioned here before and will likely be mentioned again. This is the first rule, as in RULE #1 if you are going to be involved with crack in any way.

If someone smokes crack, don't trust them.

If someone sells crack, don't trust them.

I left Dallas, Texas about 6 months ago. I had a conversation with a crackhead friend on the phone last night. They were upset that I hadn't told them I was leaving. My reply was that no one I knew could be trusted. I stated that in a way that made it clear that I didn't even trust my friend in that regard.

I owed too many crack dealers money and those same dealers did business with my friend. To have revealed my plans to my fellow crackhead may have jeopardized my position. Perhaps jeopardized my position to the point of getting me shot.

I really didn't nor do I want to get shot.

So whether you smoke crack, sell crack or know someone who is in anyway engaged in some sort of activity involving crack, do not trust any of the above.

For real!