HELP!

Comes in many different forms.

To start with, last Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday had me smoking a bit of crack. The amazing thing, but in a sense it's not all that amazing, it was on someone else's dime. The end result was introducing this generous friend to another friend who... I'm not going to paint the whole picture here for you, but you get my drift.

This friend is now able to handle things on their own.

There is part of the whole thing that had my conscience twanging a bit, especially with my "Do no harm to others" position, but this person knows the consequences. Perhaps as well as I do and maybe even better. When a crackhead has a mission in mind, there is little that will turn them away, so this crackhead went with the flow. It is not a good thing and it is not a bad thing.

It's a crackhead thing.

Another part of my plan, which is too discourage smokers from using my home to smoke in was violated to a degree as well. This smoker isn't a hard core street person, has a home, a job and some standing in their community. So I think this will be a rare occurrence. And they didn't drag along other smokers along. The other thing is that their smoking here was a better option as far as their safety was concerned.

I guess that can be looked at as keeping the crackhead and others in their life out of harms way.

Help came in a different vein as well.

An online friend who is very involved in Harm Reduction steered me to an email list for Crack Harm Reduction. This was a blessing tome, as the Erie Crackhead thought he was alone in the wilderness in trying to put together a plan. While the list is not really active in regards to traffic, there is a gold mine of files regarding HR techniques.

The files are reports and studies written by professionals as well as those in my shoes. There is , from all appearances, everything from making a safe homemade pipe to disease avoidance and prevention. This will take some time to get through and may require trips to the library to get it all downloaded into my home computer. Many files are pdf files that tend to make my machine vomit.

I was told that was because of too many visits to porno sites.

Yeah, whatever.

Things that are general public safe may be disseminated here, with permission of course. As mentioned in the past, I am not going to share the mechanics of using in this blog. But I will talk about some things of a social or health nature that might help those with a real interest in helping themselves or others.

Nuts and bolts will be shared privately with online friends in the same position as I.

Lastly, help came from a totally unexpected source. That would be my bank who refunded, what they considered to be excessive overdraft fees. It's not an insignificant amount and it has me working overtime on what should be done with that money.

Do I take the cash and have a pre-check party? Do I squirrel it away for a higher purpose? I kind of think there will be some kind of compromise on the horizon.

Chances are good there will be a bit of a buzz in the next few days. Chances are also good that some jaw harps, kazoos, yo-yos and balsa wood planes will be in some stockings as well. Silly stuff like that sometimes last longer in someone's mind than the latest high tech gadget costing tons more.

One other thing. Don is alive and still has a roof over his head. he managed to get through his own detox without dying. Saturday he said he was going to go to AA. Sunday he was drunk again. He doesn't have enough money to fall too far down the hole again, but we are all keeping our fingers crossed that things are going in the right direction for him.

Be assured though, should he stay sober and try some 12 step shit around here, I'm gonna' kick his ass out the door.

Some behaviors will not be tolerated in this house.

It's Time for a Change.

Many people who have successfully quit smoking rocks for extended periods of time have one thing in common in that endeavor. Something happened that helped turn their backs to taking that next hit. Most didn't go to rehab, almost none of these people have sat in meetings to have God remove the obsession. They just don't anymore. They can explain this fact no better than they could explain the reason why they were hitting the damned pipe in the first place.

What is true is that something or someone entered their lives and made them want to stop chasing the demon.

Now, I've been here before. I've been at a point where the advantages of not buying and smoking crack have been so attractive that short dry spells have been achieved. Every time something happened to make all that resolve disappear. Unexpected windfalls of money or someone coming by with a free one.

You know as well as the Erie Crackhead that there are no free hits or free lunch.

So there is something that is happening in the life of this crack head. In many respects it is not an huge event in respects to other things that have happened in the past. But it is an event that will want me to be on my best behavior and a better frame of mind. This is so what can hopefully takes place will be better appreciated.

What is this great event that has this crack head dropping the pipe?

I really don't want to talk about it in this increasingly public forum. To say more would remove the mask a bit more and people would start doing mental math, putting two plus two together. Those folks may well come up with 42, but that would be the wrong answer for the wrong question.

But this non-event in many respects has a lot of power and has me wanting to be on my best. To be available mentally and emotionally for someone who just might need me. Someone who has been too absent from the Crackhead's life and that has finally sunk in for me.

There have been precautions taken already to make this work. I don't have crackheads streaming in and out of the place, so no "free" hits will be staring me in the face. My dealer has informed me that home delivery will be spotty in the future as well. Transportation problems of an unspecified sort will curtail the same door to door service enjoyed in the past.

Anyway, this is where I am today. No expectations of being forever crack free are clouding my mind. If there is more crack in my future, we'll know when that happens. No promises are being made to anyone, including myself. It's just that I will be more careful in some choices.

The fact is that that shit is screaming at me right now. It's basically saying, "Are you fuckin' kiddin' me? You'll be geekin' to the max the next time Don waves a twenty in your face!"

That may well be so, but there are defenses in place for the short term. A little weed and a few beers have staved off making a call in the past. It'll work in the future as well, as long as I don't drink too much of that nasty ass vodka.

Not exactly the Hazelden model, but iHazeleden has about the same success rate as what I will be trying to accomplish. Sheesh, I should know, I've been through the freakin' place twice not counting their Fellowship Clubs.

If a hit does get taken, this much is also certain. It will be a setback. But it will not mean defeat, as long as I'm breathing after it's all gone. It's a setback and they provide opportunities all of their own. This is not a qualifier. This is a fact.

You have to have a plan.

Yeah, it's that time again. Time to plan, make lists of what is needed and what should get paid.

What should get paid?

Well, everything that will ensure that my roof is over my head for another month for starters. Making sure that there are lights in my home is another. Also paying medical bills so the Docs, techs and others will be willing to do what needs to be done.

Also Don needs to be repaid. That's important for more than selfish reasons as this guy does watch my back as I watch out for him. It's a two way street, but that is not to say I'm not getting the better part of the deal. This also is to make sure when he is in one of those moods things will go my way.

Hey, I'm a crackhead, remember?

An inventory of the pantry as well as the refrigerator needs to be done. Grocery shopping is now a twice monthly chore. While I have enough canned foods of various types, some fresh meat and veggies is always a welcome addition to my diet. One cannot live on Spam alone.

Chore is too cold of a word to use for those excursions to the market or WallyWorld. It is a welcome experience from being cooped up in this place. Seeing and being around nearly normal people gives me some perspective of what life might be like without a pipe in my mouth. I also get a glimpse of what I don't want to be as well.

If you're wondering what I'm talking about, go to one of many sites dedicated to photos of typical, or not so typical WalMart shoppers. I don't think I fit that mold, but that is a judgement best left to others.

Oh! Those of you who might have an opinion on that can keep it to yourself.

Anyway, with enough money set aside and out of reach, getting enough food so leaning to much on the food banks is a possibility. No, actually it is a reality. So is the promise of reintroducing some material comforts and items back into my life. Besides, money spent there is not getting smoked up.

Now, I had better get my ass in gear. Sitting here, banging on the keyboard is not getting it done. Planning needs to be finished and even more importantly it needs to be executed. Just talking about it just doesn't cut the mustard.

If I don't follow through even I don't want to see that train wreck.

Oh, hell no!

A little disappointed in myself

Why? Oh why?

Well with the best of intentions I had planned to go to the Erie Art Museum's Blues and Jazz Fest. It didn't happen and the only one to blame is me. I could have gotten a ride from a friend who had even offered to take me. But it was early and I didn't want to spend the whole day at the park.

Besides, the better groups were going to be playing later in the day.

The way a crackhead's mind works is even a mystery to me at times. But this much is clear. I had money in my pocket. I did have enough money to pay off Don, my vodka swilling neighbor. So I did pay him, as he was in a position of needing the cash right when it showed up.

I did have enough money to go to the fest and buy a T-shirt, which I thought were cool this year. I also had enough money to buy some food from the vendors and have something to drink as well. I even had enough money to have taken a cab home after everything was all said and done.

As usual though the money went to the Crack Man.

I didn't even sip Don's rot gut to get the ball rolling. It's as though an automatic reaction to having cash on hand is to call the Dude. Not a good thing to be certain, but it's a characteristic of mine that really needs work.

To add insult to this all, the twenty I paid back to Don was re-borrowed yesterday.

One other thing. This is a biggy to boot. The dryer in my building isn't working.

Now I have a machine full of wet clothes, and that mean I'm going to have to turn my boxers inside out yet again.

Well, they're not sticky yet.

What does a crackhead know anyway?

Things started out well enough Friday night.

A friend stopped by with a little weed and shared some with me. We had a senseless, but fun conversation about 2012 and other nonsensical things that people often do after smoking some herb. I was happy for the company and thankful for that gentle buzz.

Saturday morning started out pleasantly enough, with the temperature and humidity moderating a bit with sunny skies. Then I tried to log onto the Internet to discover my connection was gone, gone, gone. A repairman came yesterday to fix the problem, a broken or poorly spliced cable.

A little later in the day my friend who keeps money stopped by with a case of beer, which I requested and a few dollars.

Well, forty dollars.

So i did what I usually do when some cash crosses my palm. I called the Dude and he delivered a forty piece to me. It was the same old, same old with the IBI and the other accompanying insanity that goes along with smoking that crap. But that little switch has again been turned off and rational thought returned.

I laugh at my thoughts and actions after all is over, but....

With no Internet to occupy my time on Sunday, I watched some DVDs picked up from the library. I also did a little chef stuff. I made some pulled BBQ pork. It turned out pretty good thanks to my new crock pot. It's almost like not cooking at all.

I shared some with my other neighbor, who does not have his jaw wired shut. Hopefully he and his lady friend enjoyed those sandwiches. I thought the stuff was dynamite! No complaints were heard, so all must have been well with my recipe.

My recipe consists of adding appropriate spices and such that are at hand.

Monday had me traveling to the library to beat on the keys of their computer. I had a pile of emails to sort through and some replies were made to some. I was going to post to this blog but time ran out. Just as well, as my original posting idea was blown out of the window by another little development. Besides the repairman's appointment had me hustling back to my home.

It's just as well that no post was made on Monday, as I had time to consider the results of a suggestion made to an online friend. At the time that suggestion was made concerning dynamics at a family gathering. It was simple advice on how to act or react to an ex-spouse who was or is in the throes of addiction. This ex is a loony tunes type according to my friend. Also included in that suggestion was a reminder of for who and why the celebration was taking place.

According to my online friend, the suggestion was taken to heart and helped them enjoy that day. At the time they were not aware of my addiction or life experiences or the hundreds of hours spent with counselors and therapists. When a "thank you" was written regarding that advice I took a risk and revealed a bit of my background and the existence of this blog.

Many of you regular readers know how cautious the Erie Crackhead is about this blog.

So, I started to wonder about how this person may have reacted or heeded my advice had they known ahead of time about what and who I was. My experience in the past has been that any suggestion or contribution made by me to people who knew my background was invalidated or highly discounted.

Besides, what does a fuckin' crackhead know?

More than he wants to at times...

It's been too hot!

While the temperatures have been tickling to 90s, doing much of anything has been an effort for me. No air conditioning, a few fans to recirculate the humid air and feeling sticky all the time sucks.

So what is a crackhead to do?

Well, he goes to the library and sucks up some of their wonderfully air conditioned air. He wanders the stacks and looks for something interesting to read. He (I) also cue up for the computers so some posts, both to this blog and other places can be done in relative comfort. Yes, I have been to places much warmer and miserable than what is being experienced in Erie, but you still can only take off so many clothes when it gets HOT!

I am in a great mood because of a visit from a close relative the other day. This person hasn't seen me or talked to me in a long time. Much longer than I was comfortable with to be certain. I'm not certain, exactly, what this person feels about that absence, but it hurt me to my core.

That absence was my fault, and I am trying to make up for that neglect.

Baby steps I guess.

After the visit, I sent an email off to them with (gasp) advice. Hopefully that is taken in the spirit it was given as my only hope is that they succeed in any endeavor they choose to tackle.

Parents tend to do that type of crap, whether it is welcomed or not.

Yeah, my visitor was one of my kids. That visit really did make my day, week, month and year. Actually the memory of that short encounter has me tearing up right now. Your not supposed to cry in the library.

People tend to look at you a little funny.

I surprised myself!

It was something I thought I never would be able to do...

What was that you ask?

I turned down money.

The fact that that actually happened now amazes me. I never turn down money. When someone says, "Do you need a few bucks?", my answer is most always a resounding YES! But I have enough of everything I need until check time comes. I don't need any money so I turned it down.

The money was offered by someone I mostly trust. Mostly trust as in Erie Crackhead doesn't totally trust anyone anymore. That's my problem and I'll have to work on that some more. But the money offered was my money, so I could have gotten more than what was offered. I could have gotten enough money to make a call to the Dude.

So, this is a victory of sorts.

You see, I don't want to smoke crack. But you also must see that I do very much want to smoke crack. Talk about a life of contradictions.

If this confuses you, think about what I'm going through.

Sunday!

Yes, it is Sunday all day.

It's raining, but that hasn't been a factor in my going out or not. Well, actually when it's raining my physical self is better prepared than my mental self. I can't do the "Old Soft Shoe" but I am getting around here a lot better than at some other times.

But I will be getting out for a little bit. A church, not too far from me is having it's monthly dinner. Mostly homeless and people who frequent the food banks are present. Some people, who I haven't seen in a while will be there. I'll say HI! to those I know and maybe engage in some small talk. It all depends on who actually shows up.

Maybe my old high school buddy and his wife will be there.

My neighbor Don may make it, but you never know until it's time to go. He called earlier, and sounded halfway sober, but that could change in a heart beat. But he's still alive. One of these days, if he keeps that shit up, I gonna' find him stiff as a board. The other option is I might find him flopping around like a fish. Neither picture is pretty.

The problem is that I'm pretty sure I know what he's doing.

The MM experiment is going along, but I did get a 20 yesterday. It was again a waste of money and time. Waiting 3 hours for the dude to show up didn't help, but waiting is part of the deal. I ended up smoking a half joint then going to bed early.

What an exciting life a crackhead has.

This is a Only a Test

"This is a test of the Emergency Blogcast System. The author of this blog in voluntary cooperation with no one but himself has developed this system to keep you informed in the event of an emergency. If this had been an actual emergency, the Attention Signal you just heard would have been followed by official information, news or instructions. This blog serves the Erie Crackhead's local area. This concludes this test of the Emergency Blogcast System."

Well, I am facing a test of sorts. I have money in my pocket and I have to make up my mind about something. It's the do I stay or do I go conundrum. To the Rib Fest or call the Dude. To hang out with people or shut myself up in the apartment and geek for a few hours.

I shouldn't say hangout with people I know, because those I might run into may want nothing to with me anyway. They might feel that being seen chatting with me would put them in an uncomfortable situation with others they might know.

Erie is a small town. Everybody know everybody. Well alomost. The six degrees of separation is cut to about three. What am I worrying about anyway. Do I care at this point what anyone thinks of me. Damage is done and now I'm crawling out of my hole to see the world, Kinda', sorta' anyway.

But there is enough money in my pocket to go one way or the other. If I buy crack I certainly don't want to wander down to the fest without any money. Just to watch other people eat. Get real.

But this is a test. and there is no pass or fail. There just the choice to go one way or another. Is it good choice or bad choice? Or is it just a choice? Like the Lovin' Spoonful tune, "Did you ever have to make up your mind"

So any of you out there who wonder what a Crackhead goes through when they have a few bucks in their pocket, can now see what's up.

I'll let you know how this all plays out.

Fuck, I hate tests !

It's Friday!

And in actuality it's just another day to me.

I survived, I have money in a safe place and I didn't get shot, overdose or get arrested. Yes, I did get high and yes, I did get ripped off as well. That's part of the deal when you're a crackhead. Sometimes I forget that if you deal with someone who smokes crack or deals crack you stand a chance of getting ripped off.

I think I should reread some of what's been previously posted here more often.

To add insult to injury the crack was crap. It's holiday, end of the month, checks are out crack. That means that it's cut to the point that you really have more soda than cocaine. People have money, have time off of work and they want to party. Dealers want to make as much as they can make during these periods, so they stretch it as much as possible.

The shits so bad that the dealers might not even be arrested for possession if they were caught.

But, I'm not broke.

I have things to do which are closer to what "normal" people do on a holiday weekend. I also plan to make some purchases that will improve my "quality of life." Damn, that's a departure from my previous behaviors. Things are not perfect but things are improving slowly.

So I repeat my mantra. Not my slogan, but my mantra: Better is Better.

You're damned right it is!

Money is Put Away

But small amounts flow in and out of my hands.

Saturday had my neighbor stopping by with his bottle. Misery loves company I guess, so I had a few shots with him. He also had a big head start on me so far as the drinks were concerned. As usual the offer was made to loan me twenty bucks. That only happens when he's drunk.

What's crackhead to do?

I took his twenty and called a newcomer to my circle of smokers. I wanted to try out their source. You know, to see if their shit was any better than the shit I got from my regular Dude. As usual, it was the same shit in a different package. I shared what was gotten with my new "friend."

Dope's gone, new friend leaves and I sit there wondering, "What the fuck was that all about?"

Can I blame my vodka swigging neighbor for this turn of events. Certainly not, as he just wants a little company and knows of my bad habits. In his mind, he's trying to help. Help what, I'm not sure but his motives are not devious or underhanded.

Perhaps he just uses the occasional loan as a way of insuring my company in the future. Besides, he knows I always pay him back. I also feed him 2 or 3 nights a week. I'm doing my part to keep him alive, as he is often too drunk to fix anything of nutritional value for himself. A symbiotic relationship of sorts.

But my smoking crack is not his fault.

Perhaps it was my wonderful day at the park on Friday. That put me in a great mood. Made me feel free in a way. Maybe I was feeling too good. Certainly not invincible, but I was in a good place.

I do know that taking a hit is not going to make anything better, but looking for balance in it is fucked up.

My Compartmentalized Life

Huh!?!?

Compartmentalized. You know, those separate sections that you keep separate from each other and the people in your life as a whole. Well, maybe you don't look at your life as different compartments, but...

A few years ago I had many compartments. Business person, family man, community pillar, and art and music aficionado. Oh yes! And crackhead. I was a different person in each setting. While this may not have been a multiple personality disorder, it sure as hell wasn't healthy.

In most normal people lives there are facets, parts of their lives that required different duties and responsibilities. But as normal people,these blended together and made the whole person. They enjoy a complete and whole life with divergent interests and responsibilities. But through all those facets they are one person.

There are people who can describe what compartmentalization means to them much more clearly than I. For a better description, click the title.

As time went by and my drug using increased my other facets, or compartments shrunk. My smoking crack and all the things that revolved around that life took over. Crack squeezed out anything else that competed with it.

Funny thing is I was the last one to know. I thought I was the perfect actor. The different masks cracked, so to speak, and everyone saw what or who was hiding behind them.

So here I am. Trying to if not seal up that one compartment, at least shrink it to a manageable size. Trying to explore those other compartments that are recoverable and turn them into facets of the whole me.

Some things will never be part of my life again. That's not going to stop me from trying to maximize those areas that can make me at least a little bit more a complete person.

That's why I'm here. That's why the past six months or so have been given over to telling you folks what it's like living this kind of life. Also it's about letting you know when I've gotten high and when I've been straight.

So it's important to tell you all, as well as myself before I forget. Last Monday and Tuesday I did get high. If I didn't write that down, sure as shit, I would have been the first one to forget.

Six months from now, or maybe in a year remembering this may be important to me.

It might even save my life.

Who are the real criminals?

The real victims or casualties of the "War on Drugs" are usually the weakest. The ones who get nailed by the cops and other legal authorities are more likely than not the end users.

The jails are being overcrowded by harmless potheads, paranoid crackheads and the like who's worst offense was to be in possession of a small amount of some illegal or controlled substance. Most of these unfortunates probably never did a thing in their life to warrant arrest for any other crime. Only a very small minority of crackheads will rob a convenience store for a hit.

Most of us just endure until some money shows up.

Anyway, the Erie Crackhead isn't going to go into a sermon about the failings of the "War on Drugs." There are people who are much smarter bout such things than he. Addiction Inbox has an excellent posting about it's failings and the consequences we suffer as a result. You can check it out here:

No Urine Test for Addiction

It does piss me off that to get a job flippin' burgers you have to pass a piss test, credit check and background check. Is it me, or is the world today a place where we're put under a microscope and any variation from perfect dooms your future?

No wonder the welfare rolls are clogged and homeless shelters are overflowing.

OK. Back to the usual psychotic rantings you know and love.

I think.

You're Not Quite Sure

But something isn't quite right with a friend, a family member, a lover or a co-worker. Their behavior isn't what it should be or at least what it used to be. You suspect that there is something going on that shouldn't be.

You think that your _________ (fill in the blank) may be smoking CRACK!

At this time I am not going to address what you should do with those suspicions. My advice in that regard isn't worth the pixels dancing across your monitor. What I will talk about is how you might be able to better confirm those suspicions.

Some of the things described here are markers for any drug user or abuser, but I know crack and that is going to be what's talked about here. This also is about physical signs of use. Behaviors can be explained away but hard evidence is much tougher to disregard.


So....

Is the person you're concerned about carrying around a few too many lighters and they don't smoke? Or maybe they smoke cigarettes and never seem to have a lighter on them at all, regardless of how many you may have given them or you have seen them buy. A crackhead can never have too many lighters and almost always seem to be out of them. They may often have a collection of used up lighters or parts of lighters strewed about their living space. Crackheads are also notorious lighter thieves.

They are sorta' like the guy at the office with the pencil eating pocket.

The suspected crackhead in your life doesn't know a spark plug from a dipstick, but their hands look more like a diesel mechanic's than a hair dresser's.

Unusually dirty fingers and fingernails didn't get that way from changing the oil in their car. More likely than not they got dirty from cleaning their pipe or stretching the screen. The soot and burnt up Brillo gets ground into their fingers and doesn't always get out with a simple rinsing of their hands. Calluses on their thumbs, index and middle fingers are markers as well. Blisters from burns on the fingers are also common to the crackhead as well.

You can't "Flic Your Bic" a few thousand times without it showing up somewhere.

Another thing is that I've drank enough coffee to fill a super tanker, but have yet to burn my lips because of that. I have burned my lips on a crack pipe on numerous occasions. So the excuse that the coffee was too hot doesn't make it, especially if some of the other signs I've talked about are present.

There is always Chore Boy around but they've never scrubbed a pot in their life.

Chore Boy is the screen of choice for most crack smokers. It's used to hold the rock in the pipe so it can be vaporized to smoke. When the screen is cut it invariably leaves some crumbs. While every effort is made to clean up the mess afterwards a few small pieces escape unnoticed. These copper refugees end up on the floor, trapped in the carpet or under the floor mat of their car. Sometimes those little buggers are even clinging to the crackheads clothes.

A fellow "client" at a rehab I went through made this observation. "After a nuclear war the only things that will survive are cockroaches and Chore."

Financial matters are another matter entirely.

If your suspected crackhead is always broke, that in and of itself isn't reason to suspect a problem. Constantly borrowing money, usually in multiples of $20.00 is a better marker for crack use. Checking accounts that are overdrawn more often than not, calls from collection agencies or constant use of "payday loans" are good indicators as well. Combine that with any or all of the signs mentioned above and you have a crack head in your midst.

Money that comes up missing or personal items that disappear often occurs long after the cat's out of the bag. If things are at that point and you're still not sure you're dealing with a cracker, you may need some professional help for yourself.

There are other less physical evidences of illicit drug use. Those are behaviors that probably be common to any addict. I am not equipped to adequately go into those things. I leave that to the more learned psychologists, social workers and others who proclaim some expertise in those areas.

I'll just stick with the physical signs so you can know who you may be dealing with. You'll no longer be a Mushroom. "A Mushroom is kept in the dark and feed a lot of bullshit."

I got that off of a refrigerator magnet.

What you do with the information is on you now. I am no expert in how to deal with people who are in the same boat as me. Well I do have some feelings about what to do, but those ideas aren't going to be shared right now.

Maybe having them read this blog will enlighten them to some degree. You know, give them a glimpse of how crappy life can be as a Crackhead.

I’ve been given a laptop!

It certainly isn’t shiny and new.

It has some basic problems that will have to be fixed, but it’s my own computer! Once it gets working in proper order, that will certainly increase the amount of time I can be online and the things that I can accomplish will certainly increase as well.

As a matter of fact, this thing is being a pain in the ass. Spaces showing up where spaces are not really welcome and the cursor running away down the screen in some race against an invisible opponent. Add to that there are beeps coming out of it like a smoke alarm.

Probably my neighbors are ready to call the fire department.

And I’m gonna’ have to buy some Preparation H.

I have also been reading a book about blogging, It’s called “The Complete Guide to Blogging” from The Huffington Post. Following their advice I’m also going to include a link to their site. It is http://www.huffingtonpost.com/theblog/.

I also am going to add links to places like "Addiction Inbox” which sends out an email periodically. Their information interesting to say the least. It does give me some insight into some of my behaviors. This is not used to rationalize to to excuse those behaviors, but knowing more makes “Just Say No!“ a little easier once in awhile.

Yes, even the Erie Crackhead has said no occasionally.

Now to my faithful readers . There are not a whole legion of you, but from what I can tell there is something of my message getting out to the world. The site officially lists five followers besides myself. There are also comments from others not on that list. Their positive and encouraging comments are part of what keep me posting to this place as often as possible.

With the hard cold facts of what is happening in my life hopefully you folks can see that there is indeed a better way to live. Some posts are depressing and some have a touch of humor but taken as a whole maybe you will have learned a lesson that came too late for me.

There are those who have said that it’s not too late to turn things around.

Maybe they are right but after all the losses of things that were important and other things that really had no meaning to me weighs a body down. Most importantly was the loss of family and friends who once thought that there was a chance for me.

It would be easy to say that they turned their backs on me.

That’s a lie. The fact is good case could be made that I just threw them away. A son who’s marriage was kept a secret from me and had a child, which I may never see.

That hurts.

A daughter who won’t even acknowledge an email. That hurts as well.

Sorry to end on a down note. That’s what life as a crackhead is like.

The more you know, the better off you’ll be.

Staying in the background.

I don't try to draw attention to myself. Staying in the background is more comfortable and is less risky than being the center of attention.

There are people who thrive on the spotlight, however dim and regardless of situation or circumstances. This is something that is a mystery to me, as making yourself stand out is also a recipe for trouble.

At least that is what experience has taught me.

Sometimes people have things in their background that are used against them. When they try to achieve some goal, regardless of the difficulty, there is always someone there who pulls skeletons out of the closet. The focus then is diverted from whatever good is trying to be achieved, or indeed has been achieved to other unrelated short comings.

Which brings me to my problem.

I am the Erie Crackhead. While I have been extolling the virtues of my hometown to those who follow this blog, I have come upon surmountable problems as well. Surmountable problems in that the solutions to ills in Erie are so evident that you would have to be blind to see them. yet, there must be a great many blinders being worn in this town.

I have run into this before. You see, when you're a crackhead your mind is certainly too fried to be able to understand the problem. So it stands to reason that you're most certainly incapable to develop a satisfactory solution to the situation.

I am not advocating that the problems of my hometown be turned over to crackheads, although there is a certain part of me that thinks that may be the present case. But when you look at the violence that has recently permeated this community, you have to wonder what is missing.

There is a vacuum here that has allowed certain negative elements to fill that void.

OK...I'm off of my soapbox.

Crackheads aren't allowed to get worked up over this type of stuff. If I even dared to mention a problem or a solution the first reply would be, "What does that wasted old crackhead know." I have encountered this before.

OH! I am going to ask an unrelated (sorta') question:
How many commercial movie theaters operate within the city limits (pop. approx 102,000) of Erie, PA.

I'll give you the answer in my next post.

Still Edgy, But...

It could be worse.

Yeah, I used yesterday.

Somehow it seems like a waste today. I sleep in late and didn't really want to go out at all. I had to get some things done, so here I am. Not in the best of moods, but it's been worse. Much, much worse.

Some other bills were paid. Money owed to people who loaned me during the past 2 months. I couldn't pout them off again, as I blew the money I owed them last month. It was a few days before Christmas and I guess it was my way of staving off loneliness.

Anyway, I may be getting to Wally World for some supplies and a few groceries. Things to have in the house when the weather or my health prevent me from getting out.

Now to figure out what I can spend and still have enough for a little buzz.

Man, the way the mind of a crackhead works is scary at times.

Almost Got an Attitude

Yep.

I've been posting comments to a writers blog on my hometown newspaper's website. Little things about me, this blog and the benefit of writing. I noticed that my comments didn't appear instantly and that riled up the addict in me.

Instant gratification. That's a big part of what we're about.

Well, that's what I was looking for and it didn't work out that way. I did notice that the first comment I posted had to wait for the moderator's approval. Then the second comment seemed to have shown up and disappeared a short while later.

Man! Don't you people know who I think I am!

Let's be serious for a minute. Even in this liberal world we live in today, who wants comments from an admitted down and dirty crackhead? I did prepare myself for the the disappointment that my words wouldn't be the thing that that particular blogger wanted on their site. I also thought that they would also not want to see a link to this blog in that space as well.

Surprise!

I went back to the blog today to see that the comments were indeed listed under the appropriate blog entries. Maybe there are those out there who might have, if not the same, perhaps a similar philosophy as I have.

Everyone, regardless of what their station is in life, has a story to tell. If one takes the time to listen to these stories there will be quite often something of value to be gained. Another thing is that reading someone elses blog or listening to another's thoughts might just reinforce something positive that you are trying to accomplish.

Oh! To be fair, as I posted links to this blog on that other site, please check out http://www.goerieblogs.com/news/writersblock/. It might spark something for you as well.

Now if I could figure out how that nice lady gets to write one or two paragraphs a week and still gets a check. I also need to run my comments through a spell checker so at least I can come across a tiny bit smarter than I really am.

Erie Snow

An Erie crackhead must be a hardy soul.

Outside of my back door is a pile of snow, pushed up from plowing operations, at least 12' high. While the from door have less snow, it is an ice hazard for the likes of folks like me.

This is par for this part of the world for about 3 to 4 months out of every year. I haven't had to endure this kind of weather for awhile. The positives about my hometown and how those in my situations get by make the weather more than bearable.

It's all about averaging things out. No place is perfect. But when you go over the advantages and disadvantages, Erie seems to come out higher on the list than many other places I've been to.

I mean that I could be sitting in seventy degree weather and wondering where that gunshot came from.

Erie weather

Crackheads and homeless people hate the cold. Well, hating the cold is not exclusive to crack smokers and the homeless, but they probably have more to contend with in bad weather conditions.

I mean, have you ever heard of someone going out into a blizzard at 3 AM without proper clothes and trying to score a $20 piece? Most sensible people would be in bed, fast asleep without worry about risking life or limb due to extreme conditions.

I have to laugh, because one time I heard at a 12 step meeting that someone didn't show up because the weather was too nasty outside. Some blowhard oldtimers chimes in with the ," If he was looking to get a hit the weather wouldn't have stopped him."

I was sort of taken back by that and thought to myself that not going out into crappy weather was the smartest thing one could do for oneself. Was staying inside, warm and dry, a kind of telltale sign that a person was getting better?

Not to some people I guess. Which is also why they say, "Some are sicker than others."