It's been a mixed bag.

Tuesday and Thursday had me taking a few hits and drinking a few beers and doing a few tokes. Monday and Wednesday just had me taking a few tokes of medicine.

Both days when some crack was in the picture, as for the most days when I do that, were unplanned. Some money was had from Don and some was cash tucked away for a rainy day.

It was raining yesterday.

That's not entirely correct. I'm talking about the planned use, not the rain. When check time comes, I have planned what will be spent and how I'll spread that using out over several days. I have found that calling the Dude just once daily has facilitated getting a buzz over more days. This is in contrast to calling many times a day and being without in a very short period of time.

That is an improvement in regards to what might be called wasting it all at once. Budgeting and those lists have helped in that regard. It might also be pointed out that smoking weed afterwards has helped to lower the amount smoked in one particular day. I am disinclined to make that second call when stoned on weed and makes coming down a bit less frantic.

Less frantic in that the cravings for more are considerably lessened by the weed.

When one considers that I would smoke in one day what now is my monthly consumption, it is a big deal. It is to me anyway and that's what is most important.

Now I have to talk about Don.

To blame Don for my unplanned using is wrong. But I have ceased encouraging him to lend me money. When he has an excess of cash on hand though, invariably he will make an offer to slide a few bucks my way. Especially if he is under the influence. That condition is almost constant now, as his financial picture is improving, even though his health is rapidly going down the toilet.

He hasn't been here as often as he has in the past. In part this might be his discovery of my pouring off some of his vodka to reserve for him later. Like to stave off full blown DTs or at least to keep him from shaking himself out of a chair. The other factor is that he has increasingly been less capable of even getting out of his bed.

Tuesday had him calling early in the evening. I thought he might be calling to see what was cooking for dinner. He eats here occasionally, and as mentioned before is welcome company at times. This call was straight to the point though. He asks if I need a couple of bucks "to do your thing." He was already three sheets to the wind.

Did I say no?

Of course I said OK! At the same time I did one thing never done in the past. I asked if he could bring it by here. I thought he sounded incapable of getting out of his door, so if he did show up at all it would be several hours later or even a few days later. Contrary to what should have happened though, he agreed to stop by and said he would be here in 5 minutes. One hope in that was when really drunk five minutes has turned into 2 days.

My other hope was that he say if you want some cash you have to come get it yourself. There were a handful of excuses at hand that could have been used to keep me from tromping to his door. While the excuses were handy, it must be noted that the twisting of my stomach may well have taken me right to his door.

As a matter of fact, I would put money on my traveling for that money.

Five minutes later though, the doorbell rings and there he was. A little unstable on his feet, but standing there all the same. After being invited in, we shot the shit for a bit about things other than his temporary abundance in cash. After a bit though, he digs into his pocket and pulls out a wad of cash. He peels off what he thought was the agreed to amount and lays it on the table.

I didn't take it, but let the money sit on the table.

That was a good move on my part,because as it turns out there was more money there than he wanted to loan. There was also more money there than I wanted to have to repay. After a few minutes he does flip through the cash and discovers his mistake. Happily he puts the excess money back in his pocket.

Happily because he took that burden off of my shoulders. While I would have and will happily pay him what was agreed to, I am not sure that he would have been repaid what was originally laid out on my table. While thinking that all of his money would have been repaid, regardless of the amount, part of me doubts that fact. Just being honest about how a crackhead mind works.

And just pointing out the various ways we lose the word no from our vocabulary.

Guess what!?!?

I have money in my pocket and haven't called the Dude!

I am being a little disingenuous as what I have available isn't quite enough to buy a twenty. But with a little effort, the extra 5 bucks or so needed could be scrapped together. Laundry money, a couple of bucks from Don or just playing the dealer a bit could get me a bit of a buzz.

But not today kids.

I am feeling a bit cranky, as the chronic pain that plagues me is really biting me. Biting me right in the ass and thigh and calf and toes. Worse than most days, but certainly not as bad as it may eventually become. Wonderful stuff to consider.

Not.

But what I will be doing, as I have been for the past few days, is to stay as comfortable as possible. So wandering down to the park today is not in the cards. Moving for that matter will be kept to a bare ass minimum. Trips to the kitchen to check my crock pot turkey, using the john, adjusting fans to blow some cool air and keeping things like TV and DVD player remotes close at hand is the plan.

A few puffs of MM will make things a bit more tolerable and will facilitate my staying semi-vegged out to keep discomfort at bay. As with any medication there are trade-offs, but considering the other stuff prescribed by the docs, this seems to be working the best right now.

Why all this babbling about my physical condition right now?

Well, right now it's something that really has my attention. This type of pain does focus you, or perhaps more correctly diverts ones focus from other things. When it feels like you just took a pan of boiling water and poured it down your leg, you may have a picture of what this feels like.

On a scale from 1 to 10 it's been shooting up to 8 1/2 to 9.

But this is one thing that concerns me, and it wasn't apparent to me not too very long ago. The sorry fact of the matter, just as the weed distracts me form my discomfort, so does crack. Now, don't even think my mentioning this is a way of justifying my smoking crack. Besides, I don't smoke crack for physical pain relief.

So, why do I smoke that crap? The answers are as illusive to me as they are to those who know me.

OK...I'm gonna' look for some cheese to go with this whine.

Not too bright.

Thursday night I wasn't too bright and was even less so last night.

Thursday I got a few bucks for odds and ends and used some to buy a 20 piece. It wasn't bad, but after it was gone, wanting more was nagging at me for the rest of the night. That was the worst of it. No IBI lurking outside my windows, no weird psychotic reactions or panic attack type of behaviors on my part. The jones was it so far as negative consequences, along with 20 dollars puffed away in about a half hour or so.

I smoked a little weed, went to bed and got up early Friday morning.

Don, my neighbor has a thing about hurrying up to wait. We go to a food bank that opens their doors at 9:00A.M. but doesn't start distribution until 9:30. I keep telling him if he goes about an hour or so later, you breeze right through. There is no advantage to being first in line. Everyone who shows up gets as much when they are first or if they are last.

We arrived at 8:50 and were back home by 10:00. If I had left at 10, I would have been back home by 10:20. Don likes to hurry up and wait.

With my decidedly unhurried and uncluttered social and work schedules there is no need to rush. As a matter of fact, rushing around has not been part of my life for quite some time. There are a lot of reasons for that, first and foremost though is that I can't hurry. Physically can't hurry.

It may also be a good thing that I don't own a car right now as well, as there might be an urge to over compensate for that physical slowness.

The money I'm saving on speeding tickets.

A little later in the day Don stops back with a bottle of the finest bottom shelf whiskey produced in the world. The name of this crap escapes me at the moment and if I could remember the name, I would never buy it anyway. I probably got down about six or eight ounces of the stuff to Don's 12 ounces or more before calling it quits. He took the rest of his bottle and left.

I wasn't feeling too awful bad and spent a few hours doing my best to stay cool.

Just as I'm getting ready to turn on the TV and watch the news, guess who's at my door again. Don and his occasional drinking buddy show up with another bottle. They pooled resources to buy some of their favorite vodka, which is decidedly worse than the rot gut whiskey I tasted earlier.

I didn't drink any more of that crap, and quite possibly less than the whiskey. Whatever the reason though, that stuff hit me like a Mack truck. I was feeling no pain at all and started becoming a little too wobbly. Not good

We visited our other neighbor, who probably had much better things to do than entertain a couple of sloppy drunks. He also didn't have the where with all to kick us out, although I witnessed him tossing unwelcome guests in the past. He was a little buzzed himself, so he seemed to be in a charitable mood. He gave us a few beers and we smoked a bit of his weed.

That's when the bottom feel out.

From what I can remember, he had to drag me into my door, as my legs were nowhere to be found. Later in the night I did manage to crawl into my bed. When I did wake up this morning I was in no mood to move. So for about 2 hours I lay awake, under a fan, trying to work up the courage to get up.

Eventually I did get moving and found my legs had returned.

The thing is, they didn't return happy.

I shouldn't be doing this..

You see I am high as a kite.

Little of the MM and the thoughts get rolling. Now mind you that I am fucked up right now. Whacked and really even not seeing quite straight. I'm actually amazed that the keys are being tapped in the right order.

(Thank God for spell check.)

But as I said I'm high. No question about that. The reason, as stupid as it might seem to you, is quite frankly I want to read this a week, or a month or even a year from now. It's that important to me that I know what ever it is I'm experiencing at this moment. The now, so to speak.

This all is an attempt to rationalize or not my substitution attempts from crack to weed. Is it all for the better? Or is it something to really re-exam. I'm not sure because in all truthfulness I'm feeling really good right now, another part of me is scared. As in chicken shit mother fucker about this whole thing.

And as a guinea pig of sorts, of my own making, I'll see how this test works out.

OK...Gimme' a break.

I'm am REALLY am high as a freakin' kite.

OK?

Wow! It's been an hour since typing in OK! Company came by and I couldn't ignore guests. But this is worth remembering.

I think...

An interesting, not so interesting week.

Yep, money came this week and so did the crack.

While not as much as in the past, a good deal more was spent than I really wanted to spend on the stuff. As is usual for around here, the crack was crap as well. Too much cut, too little after recooking and I'm still sitting here wondering why I bother.

If I really had that question answered, I might not find it necessary to write here at all.

But, things were taken care of that needed to be handled. Internet connections were made more reliable, and with that is another small financial obligation has been made. A few tools were purchased to replace things lost, stolen or just plain given away.

Now I have to find something to fix or put together...

The Medical Marijuana experiment continues. While part of my reasoning behind using weed is to see if it has any beneficial effects on my chronic pain issues, the other part is kind of a substitution ploy. You know, get too stoned to call, go out for money or even think about hitting some crack.

On both counts, there seems to be some benefit.

On the other side of the coin is that energy levels seems to be down. Some interests seem to be diminishing and initiative is lowered as well. Doing things inside or out seem to be not as important as before. While high some thought processes are a little skewed as well. In a way, smoking weed has me thinking like a damned conspiracy theorist or trying to make 2+2=5,853.

Did those who developed the "new math" been smokin' Mother Nature?

So, for a little bit, taking a break from everything is in the cards.

Sunday!

Yes, it is Sunday all day.

It's raining, but that hasn't been a factor in my going out or not. Well, actually when it's raining my physical self is better prepared than my mental self. I can't do the "Old Soft Shoe" but I am getting around here a lot better than at some other times.

But I will be getting out for a little bit. A church, not too far from me is having it's monthly dinner. Mostly homeless and people who frequent the food banks are present. Some people, who I haven't seen in a while will be there. I'll say HI! to those I know and maybe engage in some small talk. It all depends on who actually shows up.

Maybe my old high school buddy and his wife will be there.

My neighbor Don may make it, but you never know until it's time to go. He called earlier, and sounded halfway sober, but that could change in a heart beat. But he's still alive. One of these days, if he keeps that shit up, I gonna' find him stiff as a board. The other option is I might find him flopping around like a fish. Neither picture is pretty.

The problem is that I'm pretty sure I know what he's doing.

The MM experiment is going along, but I did get a 20 yesterday. It was again a waste of money and time. Waiting 3 hours for the dude to show up didn't help, but waiting is part of the deal. I ended up smoking a half joint then going to bed early.

What an exciting life a crackhead has.

It's been a little foggy lately.

Well, cobwebs seemed to have been forming as well.

It's been 4 days into my Medical Marijuana experiment and to be honest, I'm not feeling as sharp. Not to say I'm all that sharp to begin with, mind you, but some things have been a little tougher to riddle out lately. You know what I mean.

Well, maybe you know what I mean.

Sleep, until last night came pretty easily to me from smoking a bit of weed. I don't over-do it at all. I've rolled a few joints and will take a few hits late in the day. After dinner and sometime before bed 2 or 3 hits are usually enough. Never more than four tokes. I have a low tolerance, and that's OK by me.

But, sleep didn't come as easily last night as the previous 3 nights.

Whether it's a product of acclimation or whatever, as each day goes by, the morning fog is a little less than. I just want to be sure that is the case and not just my mind telling me that I'm acclimating. A bit of conversation with the outside world should provide some proof one way or the other.

Should I keep repeating, "Hey, Dude" or "Far out!" or "Kewl!" I'm gonna' have to re-examine this course of action. One positive has come from this so far though...

I haven't smoked any crack!

So, "Pass that joint, Dude!"

It's Raining Today

Too wet to go out and see the world. Click the title for the current weather forecast!

Yesterday was a beautiful day and I spent it indoors doing laundry. How's that for a page in the life of Erie Crackhead? Not all that glamorous at all. Just another boring day to do things that need to be done. Besides there are just so many times you can turn your underwear inside out and back again before declaring them absolutely unwearable.

New news!

I have started a new technique in Harm Reduction. It also is helpful in other areas of concern to me as well. I have started smoking weed. As a substitute for crack and to ease some of my physical ailments. It also has helped me sleep much better lately as well.

Getting a full nights sleep has been a real problem as of late.

Medical Marijuana has been helpful for problem drinkers to lower their intake. So, while alcohol isn't my problem, and I while have smoked weed and crack together, this should keep me from making that call too soon. If this isn't the answer, well we go back to the drawing board.

The pot I got is good enough to keep me immobile and amused for awhile anyway.

As in too crushed to make a call.

Last Monday, I did smoke a twenty. I would like to say it was terrible, but this time the shit was decent. There was a short period of time when I thought the IBI was going to come knocking, but that was short lived. The thing is they wouldn't of had to knock, the damned door was wide open.

Well, the screen door was locked.

It's another day.

And the sun is shining and the temperatures are climbing! It's almost acting Springlike out there today.

My posts from the past few days have been, to say the least, depressing. Part of the reason I think is the fact that this is a bad time of year for me. Anniversaries of different events that have had major influences on my life.

It must be stated that not all of the consequences of these events have been negative. There have been many wonderful things that have occurred because of those events.

Yes, even good things can come out of a car accident.

Physical pain does have an effect on any ones mood. The level of pain I have been experiencing over the past few days has been somewhat heightened. Higher levels of pain tend to lower the level of my mental well being.

The type of pain I have is not treated well with the usual assortment of pain medications. Opiates are for all intent and purpose useless in treating peripheral neuropathy. Certain anti-depressants, anti-convulsants and other designer type medications like Lyrica do have a positive effect on that type of pain.

Unfortunately my insurance does not cover most of these drugs. I'm still trying to work out things with my Doc so that affordable solutions can be found that will give me some level of comfort.

Medical Marijuana has also been found to be somewhat effective in treating peripheral neuropathy. Unfortunately that option is not yet available in Pennsylvania.

Heh heh heh!

So, when has the legality of a particular substance stopped me from partaking?

Now to find someone who has something decent that might do the trick.