Wasting time and getting wasted.

Both are a waste but it helps to pass the time.

Seemingly having a lot of time on one's hands is an illusion. Things still need to be accomplished. Errands to be run, cleaning to do and laundry that is sitting in the corner are all hollering at me. Do this, do that and get it done so you can do something else.

Yesterday was a complete waste to add to all of this situation. Don was called to have a cup of coffee and he showed up at a little past 9 A.M. with his plastic bottle of liquid stupidity. I was going to not have any at that early hour, but eventually caved in to a few sips.

A few sips turned into a few gulps and a few gulps were enough to get me donkey faced drunk.

Yeah, yeah, I know. Twelve steppers, drug and alcohol professionals and a few self righteous folks will have a field day on the fact that I got stewed in an unplanned fashion. The fact is that while there were other plans for the day, nothing important was really missed. A few things were just put on the back burner for awhile.

Again.

It's not all bleak or dark or depressing. Some good things did happened, or perhaps more correctly, nothing really bad happened. As in Don didn't give me any money. Actually, no money was taken from Don even though an offer was made. More vodka was also put in reserve for the day when Don is shaking just a bit too much.

That does not make me any kind of hero.

I have said no or ignored his offers in the past. The fact is that there is always a price to be paid when taking his money beyond the simple fact that he needs to be repaid. Those costs range from the temporary insanity that goes hand in hand with smoking crack to the depression that always seems to follow using that stuff.

So, mood is better, resolve is being strengthened and maybe today will result in some accomplishments that will make life a bit more comfortable.

Sitting here is not getting anything done, though..

Guess what!?!?

I have money in my pocket and haven't called the Dude!

I am being a little disingenuous as what I have available isn't quite enough to buy a twenty. But with a little effort, the extra 5 bucks or so needed could be scrapped together. Laundry money, a couple of bucks from Don or just playing the dealer a bit could get me a bit of a buzz.

But not today kids.

I am feeling a bit cranky, as the chronic pain that plagues me is really biting me. Biting me right in the ass and thigh and calf and toes. Worse than most days, but certainly not as bad as it may eventually become. Wonderful stuff to consider.

Not.

But what I will be doing, as I have been for the past few days, is to stay as comfortable as possible. So wandering down to the park today is not in the cards. Moving for that matter will be kept to a bare ass minimum. Trips to the kitchen to check my crock pot turkey, using the john, adjusting fans to blow some cool air and keeping things like TV and DVD player remotes close at hand is the plan.

A few puffs of MM will make things a bit more tolerable and will facilitate my staying semi-vegged out to keep discomfort at bay. As with any medication there are trade-offs, but considering the other stuff prescribed by the docs, this seems to be working the best right now.

Why all this babbling about my physical condition right now?

Well, right now it's something that really has my attention. This type of pain does focus you, or perhaps more correctly diverts ones focus from other things. When it feels like you just took a pan of boiling water and poured it down your leg, you may have a picture of what this feels like.

On a scale from 1 to 10 it's been shooting up to 8 1/2 to 9.

But this is one thing that concerns me, and it wasn't apparent to me not too very long ago. The sorry fact of the matter, just as the weed distracts me form my discomfort, so does crack. Now, don't even think my mentioning this is a way of justifying my smoking crack. Besides, I don't smoke crack for physical pain relief.

So, why do I smoke that crap? The answers are as illusive to me as they are to those who know me.

OK...I'm gonna' look for some cheese to go with this whine.