Wasting time and getting wasted.

Both are a waste but it helps to pass the time.

Seemingly having a lot of time on one's hands is an illusion. Things still need to be accomplished. Errands to be run, cleaning to do and laundry that is sitting in the corner are all hollering at me. Do this, do that and get it done so you can do something else.

Yesterday was a complete waste to add to all of this situation. Don was called to have a cup of coffee and he showed up at a little past 9 A.M. with his plastic bottle of liquid stupidity. I was going to not have any at that early hour, but eventually caved in to a few sips.

A few sips turned into a few gulps and a few gulps were enough to get me donkey faced drunk.

Yeah, yeah, I know. Twelve steppers, drug and alcohol professionals and a few self righteous folks will have a field day on the fact that I got stewed in an unplanned fashion. The fact is that while there were other plans for the day, nothing important was really missed. A few things were just put on the back burner for awhile.

Again.

It's not all bleak or dark or depressing. Some good things did happened, or perhaps more correctly, nothing really bad happened. As in Don didn't give me any money. Actually, no money was taken from Don even though an offer was made. More vodka was also put in reserve for the day when Don is shaking just a bit too much.

That does not make me any kind of hero.

I have said no or ignored his offers in the past. The fact is that there is always a price to be paid when taking his money beyond the simple fact that he needs to be repaid. Those costs range from the temporary insanity that goes hand in hand with smoking crack to the depression that always seems to follow using that stuff.

So, mood is better, resolve is being strengthened and maybe today will result in some accomplishments that will make life a bit more comfortable.

Sitting here is not getting anything done, though..

Vodka, Drunken Neighbors, and Cash Equals

Crack.

Well, I am going to have to re-examine my motives for being nice when my neighbor shows up with his bottle. It seems a few sips and my crackhead brain starts working on getting Don to throw a few bucks my way for crack. He knows what I'm using the cash for and really doesn't care all that much. He knows he'll be repaid in a reasonable period of time and like he says, for him it's like "money in the bank."

But working him the way I do is just a variation on a theme. I have promised myself not to get involved with buying or getting crack on credit. Using Don and his loaned cash is the same thing as getting something from the Dude until next check time. This has gotten me into big, serious and possibly dangerous trouble in the past.

So, it's time to stop that little diversion of my neighbors funds from his pocket to mine.

Twenty bucks here and twenty bucks there can amount to my whole months income if this is let to continue in any way shape or form. Buying crack on credit, regardless of the source of that credit is not a good thing. That is a slippery slope to be avoided.

If it seems I'm repeating myself here, it's all for the good. To impress upon myself and anyone who is in a similar situation about what not to do. Lessons learned from the past that need to be taken to heart today.

Am I in deep debt with Don or anyone else?

No.

That's the point though, and that is the direction I should be striving to be headed. If I do cave in to that temptation it will be counter productive to my goals.

If you don't have the cash, just don't do it.

This ain't a Nike commercial.

Not quite out the other side.

No sense laying blame on Don.

But his being drunk with money in his pocket does fire up my crackhead thinking. It works way faster than the fastest working Cray Super Computer. I can go from a spark of an idea to a formulated plan in the time it takes to get out of my chair. When it comes to getting money for a few hits, it's incredibly frightening how it all works out. It's almost like a reflex reaction rather than a thought out process.

Sharing a few shots of that nasty vodka doesn't slow down the process in the least. As a matter of fact, it does seem to increase the speed of the particular processes in my rewired mind.

So I get $50.00 in no time at all. It's a loan, not a gift from Don. I don't want gifts, or grants or any other form of subsidized funds for my crack research. Besides, it's not a legitimate research project by anyones stretch of the imagination.

So the call is made and the crack is delivered and I close my doors. Shutting out the rest of the world while engaging in a few hours of a chemical vacation.

Things are OK this morning, as plans to do productive things to improve my life are in the cards today.

Probably tomorrow as well.

Well, that's the plan anyway.

Not too bright.

Thursday night I wasn't too bright and was even less so last night.

Thursday I got a few bucks for odds and ends and used some to buy a 20 piece. It wasn't bad, but after it was gone, wanting more was nagging at me for the rest of the night. That was the worst of it. No IBI lurking outside my windows, no weird psychotic reactions or panic attack type of behaviors on my part. The jones was it so far as negative consequences, along with 20 dollars puffed away in about a half hour or so.

I smoked a little weed, went to bed and got up early Friday morning.

Don, my neighbor has a thing about hurrying up to wait. We go to a food bank that opens their doors at 9:00A.M. but doesn't start distribution until 9:30. I keep telling him if he goes about an hour or so later, you breeze right through. There is no advantage to being first in line. Everyone who shows up gets as much when they are first or if they are last.

We arrived at 8:50 and were back home by 10:00. If I had left at 10, I would have been back home by 10:20. Don likes to hurry up and wait.

With my decidedly unhurried and uncluttered social and work schedules there is no need to rush. As a matter of fact, rushing around has not been part of my life for quite some time. There are a lot of reasons for that, first and foremost though is that I can't hurry. Physically can't hurry.

It may also be a good thing that I don't own a car right now as well, as there might be an urge to over compensate for that physical slowness.

The money I'm saving on speeding tickets.

A little later in the day Don stops back with a bottle of the finest bottom shelf whiskey produced in the world. The name of this crap escapes me at the moment and if I could remember the name, I would never buy it anyway. I probably got down about six or eight ounces of the stuff to Don's 12 ounces or more before calling it quits. He took the rest of his bottle and left.

I wasn't feeling too awful bad and spent a few hours doing my best to stay cool.

Just as I'm getting ready to turn on the TV and watch the news, guess who's at my door again. Don and his occasional drinking buddy show up with another bottle. They pooled resources to buy some of their favorite vodka, which is decidedly worse than the rot gut whiskey I tasted earlier.

I didn't drink any more of that crap, and quite possibly less than the whiskey. Whatever the reason though, that stuff hit me like a Mack truck. I was feeling no pain at all and started becoming a little too wobbly. Not good

We visited our other neighbor, who probably had much better things to do than entertain a couple of sloppy drunks. He also didn't have the where with all to kick us out, although I witnessed him tossing unwelcome guests in the past. He was a little buzzed himself, so he seemed to be in a charitable mood. He gave us a few beers and we smoked a bit of his weed.

That's when the bottom feel out.

From what I can remember, he had to drag me into my door, as my legs were nowhere to be found. Later in the night I did manage to crawl into my bed. When I did wake up this morning I was in no mood to move. So for about 2 hours I lay awake, under a fan, trying to work up the courage to get up.

Eventually I did get moving and found my legs had returned.

The thing is, they didn't return happy.

Didn't get out today.

I did get out yesterday (Friday) though.

It had been over a week since being out in the fresh air and sunshine. Well, there wasn't too much sunshine and it was actually snowing a bit. But things needed to be printed, and since I don't have a printer a trip to the library was necessary.

I had some issues with my debit card as well. So a friend took me to my bank to get those problems resolved. I also got a twenty out and called the Dude. That was a waste. Sometimes I wonder why I bother. Well I sort of know why I bother, which is why this blog exists as well.

After a crappy night of sleep I got up and tinkered with this virus ravaged machine for awhile. Then my alky neighbor called to see if he could stop over. Sure why not...

He shows up at my door with a pack of smokes, which is a good thing. He also is carrying a 1/2 gallon of his cheap ass vodka. That is not a good thing. Drinking and getting drunk are not my favorite activities. Getting clumsy and stupid are usually the end result. Falling and getting hurt are always a possibility. Also trying to talk my neighbor or someone else out of $20.00 for a little crack are also possible.

Well, I didn't get too drunk and I didn't get too stupid. I didn't ask for twenty dollars from him or anyone else. I did take an overly long nap though, and that messed my day up a bit.

So, no going out today. No cleaning up of the apartment. No major cooking of any kind. Just sleeping and then turning on the TV to watch NASCAR. The race was good, but my guy Mark Martin didn't win. Mark placed fourth, so things are looking up for him.

Anyway, tomorrow I do have to get out of this place.