A Vaccine!

Wouldn't that be great.

A shot or a pill that would either neutralize the effects of crack or decrease the desire to use. A wonder drug to help people like me tread a healthier path. Something that might have the power to distract me from even calling the dealer.

Well that might be a bit too powerful of an outcome for the most strident anti-drug supporter.

Well, maybe not...

But a medicine that would seriously diminish the effects would be welcomed by this Crackhead. And I did to a small degree experience that effect with a medication designed for smoking cessation. Along with slightly diminished euphoric effect it did blunt some of the cravings for cocaine. That drug of course is Chantix.

I did stop smoking cigarettes while using that drug and didn't smoke for about about a year afterwards. I also did notice that cocaine cravings were a bit diminished, but not entirely. And while smoking crack wasn't as satisfactory while using Chantix, there was still a buzz.

Nonetheless the desire to use and the crack's effects were lessened.

I'm certain that studies were done to test the effects on Chantix with active crack and powder cocaine users. A GOOGLE search is certain to bring up some information in that regard. It wasn't until sometime later that a light went on that the medication had an effect on the high I was getting. Unfortunately hind site is 20/20.

Scripts for Chantix come to an end as well.

I was able to secure a thirty day supply from someone else after my 90 day course ran out. Then after perhaps another 30 days the Chantix was gone it was Crackhead City again with business as usual. Personal circumstances at that time may have done a lot to put me in drug seeking and consumption overdrive to boot. Separation, pending second divorce, boredom and no real life activities like a job will do a number on the best of "recovery" programs.

A lifetime supply of Chantix probably wouldn't have prevented that train wreck.

Considering some of the possible side effects, the manufacturer probably wouldn't recommend a dose a day for the rest of one's life either. But then again, it is about money isn't it? From user, dealer, distributor then to South American cartel and around to rehab, counseling clinics and pharmaceutical companies.

Cha-ching!

If you want more information about vaccines, click the title of the entry. It will take you to Addiction Inbox.

It's a lot more scientific than anything you'll find here.

Oh yeah, I'm back up to a pack of cigarettes a day as well...

I’ve been given a laptop!

It certainly isn’t shiny and new.

It has some basic problems that will have to be fixed, but it’s my own computer! Once it gets working in proper order, that will certainly increase the amount of time I can be online and the things that I can accomplish will certainly increase as well.

As a matter of fact, this thing is being a pain in the ass. Spaces showing up where spaces are not really welcome and the cursor running away down the screen in some race against an invisible opponent. Add to that there are beeps coming out of it like a smoke alarm.

Probably my neighbors are ready to call the fire department.

And I’m gonna’ have to buy some Preparation H.

I have also been reading a book about blogging, It’s called “The Complete Guide to Blogging” from The Huffington Post. Following their advice I’m also going to include a link to their site. It is http://www.huffingtonpost.com/theblog/.

I also am going to add links to places like "Addiction Inbox” which sends out an email periodically. Their information interesting to say the least. It does give me some insight into some of my behaviors. This is not used to rationalize to to excuse those behaviors, but knowing more makes “Just Say No!“ a little easier once in awhile.

Yes, even the Erie Crackhead has said no occasionally.

Now to my faithful readers . There are not a whole legion of you, but from what I can tell there is something of my message getting out to the world. The site officially lists five followers besides myself. There are also comments from others not on that list. Their positive and encouraging comments are part of what keep me posting to this place as often as possible.

With the hard cold facts of what is happening in my life hopefully you folks can see that there is indeed a better way to live. Some posts are depressing and some have a touch of humor but taken as a whole maybe you will have learned a lesson that came too late for me.

There are those who have said that it’s not too late to turn things around.

Maybe they are right but after all the losses of things that were important and other things that really had no meaning to me weighs a body down. Most importantly was the loss of family and friends who once thought that there was a chance for me.

It would be easy to say that they turned their backs on me.

That’s a lie. The fact is good case could be made that I just threw them away. A son who’s marriage was kept a secret from me and had a child, which I may never see.

That hurts.

A daughter who won’t even acknowledge an email. That hurts as well.

Sorry to end on a down note. That’s what life as a crackhead is like.

The more you know, the better off you’ll be.

A New Year

It would be nice to say that I'm entering the new year with all sorts of resolutions.

Well, it ain't necessarily so. To say that there would be no more smoking crack or using some kind of substance to get out of myself would be a joke. I'm just not that good. just saying NO isn't going to work too well either.

Is this being negative?

Not really.

This is just being realistic.

There are some things that I am going to do that will take my mind off of the wanting to get ripped. Some of these things may actually help to a degree. To be honest though, these are devices that have a limited effectiveness. Nonetheless they are tools that do tend to stretch out times between my binges.

These are also devices to get my money into something other than to a drug dealer.

Just because the dope man isn't getting my cash doesn't mean that the money is being wisely invested. It just means that instead of getting high, I'll be doing something other than smoking crack.

Some would say that is a positive step.

Maybe, maybe not.

It may well be a positive step in that my mental health might be somewhat improved. it might also give me a healthy outlet for some of my boredom and frustration with my situation. my situation, of course is all of my own doing. Well, just not smoking crack is a positive step.

A hobby of something constructive is a step up from frying my brains away.

Maybe it just might be a bit on the positive side.

Time will tell.

If you wanna' dance...

You've gotta' pay the Fiddler.

So, I went and did it. Got all EFed up Monday and and am now paying the consequences.

What happened?

Well, first thing was that I had money in my account. That is a major trigger for me. Money in an easy place for me to get at is almost a guarantee that I gonna' score some shit.

So, I did cop some and went to an old friend's house to smoke. Now I haven't seen this guy in about 40 years. Why would he let me come into his house in the first place? He and his wife are both crack smokers. Show me a smoker who says no, and that is someone who is really "in recovery."

Anyway, I had $250.00 that was supposed to be for housing. At the very least a down payment or a deposit on getting a roof over my head when my next check came in. The guy who I was trying to work something out with has been waffling. I got the idea in my head that nothing was going to come of it so I used the cash to get high.

Then it gets better.

After I've exhausted the money from the account, I used a trick that's sort of a hole in the banking system. I used my ledger balance to get additional cash through a cash advance with a purchase. You know, you use your debit card to make a purchase and then when the machine asks do you want cash back you say "Yes!"

This stupid crack trick has a limited time window so you try to make the most of it during that days business. Wait until midnight and the cash fairy, or more accurately the financial institution says no.

When you're staying at the Mission you get one 24 hour period to stay out all night. Even with an extension, which I had, you can't get that second extension. What happens then is that you lose your bed.

So now I going to be without cash for about a week. I am going to be without a place to stay for that period of time as well. Not a nice place to be in at the moment.

The weather is nice today, but the weatherman promises rain by tonight or at worst tomorrow.

I'll let you all know how this is going play out.

Wish me luck!