I'm sitting in the library.

And the change of scenery is wonderful. Sitting in my apartment is depressing at times, even with all the distractions which I have to occupy myself.

Yesterday my neighbor came by with his bottle and a few bucks. He asks me if I want to borrow some money so I can get some crack. I do what all crackheads do when faced with that offer. I took his money.

Now, let's get one thing completely straight here. I am going to pay my friend back every nickle. Besides he has a mind for money, how much he's owed, how much he owes and everyone involved in those transactions. That ability has proven itself regardless of how fucked up drunk he is. I mean the guy has handed me $20.00 then immediately passed out on my kitchen floor, and pisses his pants, wakes up after I've smoked all my crack and stagger to his apartment.

He'll ask a few days later if I was paying him back that twenty on Saturday or Monday. Money is coming Saturday, Don. Not that I would cheat him for the few dollars he lends. It just isn't enough to create problems over.

On the other hand I know crackheads that would beat you for your last 5 bucks if they could. That's how stupid their mind gets when things get rolling and they are crazy craving just one more hit. Then that one more hit turns into another just one more hit and that shit can last for days.

It's amazing how far a crackhead can go with little resources and a jones to keep them running. Many years ago, when I was in Florida to "recover" I went out with $47.00 and managed to stay high for 3 days. I had help with that, a vehicle to get around in and other crackheads who knew people who knew people who...

And the most I'm going to say about that is at least one crack dealer got beat for more than a few bucks worth of shit.

But today is the first nice, sunny, almost warm day we have had in Erie for it seems nearly a week. I'm out amongst people, getting some fresh air and not really caring a wit at the moment for a hit.

Things change, but at the moment things are good...

Or as my friend says, Better is Better. And it certainly is today!

A New Year

It would be nice to say that I'm entering the new year with all sorts of resolutions.

Well, it ain't necessarily so. To say that there would be no more smoking crack or using some kind of substance to get out of myself would be a joke. I'm just not that good. just saying NO isn't going to work too well either.

Is this being negative?

Not really.

This is just being realistic.

There are some things that I am going to do that will take my mind off of the wanting to get ripped. Some of these things may actually help to a degree. To be honest though, these are devices that have a limited effectiveness. Nonetheless they are tools that do tend to stretch out times between my binges.

These are also devices to get my money into something other than to a drug dealer.

Just because the dope man isn't getting my cash doesn't mean that the money is being wisely invested. It just means that instead of getting high, I'll be doing something other than smoking crack.

Some would say that is a positive step.

Maybe, maybe not.

It may well be a positive step in that my mental health might be somewhat improved. it might also give me a healthy outlet for some of my boredom and frustration with my situation. my situation, of course is all of my own doing. Well, just not smoking crack is a positive step.

A hobby of something constructive is a step up from frying my brains away.

Maybe it just might be a bit on the positive side.

Time will tell.