The Good, the Bad and the Snarky

Clicking on the title will take to you Merriam-Webster's online dictionary with the proper definition of snarky. And that definition works just dandy in this case.

But first the good needs to be mentioned.

The good is that I really have been occupied in other ways that make the necessity of posting my complaints here a bit less imperative. Not to say that there are not things that need to be brought to this blog. It's just that once upon a time I had no other outlet for my frustrations, setbacks, problem or for that matter good things happening in my life.

In other words there were few who gave a rats ass about what was going in my life. Not too many confidants who would listen and even at times offer good feedback for the shit I was basically putting myself through. Now there are those who can cut through my rationalizations and get right to the heart of my malarkey and basically let me know what's up.

You can plug in malarkey while you have the Merriam-Webster Dictionary up if you like, but bullshit works pretty good as a definition as well.

So having those ears has given me an outlet not available to me for some time. And that is very good.

The bad is of course I am still hitting the pipe fairly regularly. In a sense it does indeed take away things that I would rather have in some sense. The inability on my part to say no to myself when there is more than $20.00 in my pocket is starting to grate in some respects.

And that really is the thing though. I'm not saying no to crack, but I am saying no to things I would rather have and enjoy in my life. Funny what a chemical can do to ones brain to disallow oneself some of the nicer things in life. Not everything of course, but enough to make one snarky.

The thing is that the people who I may well have been snarky towards are the same people who have given me their ears. And at times I feel as though I haven't been as willing to listen or for that matter even listening as attentively as I should. I am trying to work on that though.

There are some other things that have made me snarky as well. But it wouldn't be right to talk about those things in this blog. It's part of that thing that had me pause in making entries in here before. If it's not about me, it doesn't belong here.

Getting right to the heart of that though is I probably have no right to get all pissy about those things, as it really doesn't have a direct effect on my life. But because of the good people in my life, I have a place to vent. For that I am grateful.

Besides, a snarky Erie Crackhead even with a humorous edge is not a pretty sight.

I am not the only one out here.

By out here I mean the internet. The World Wide Webz.

Slowly people have kind of let me know where they are at in regards to their situations. It's not much different than my circumstances. Some are in worse shape and others might be doing a bit better. But there are connections being made. Social networks, but like real life do attract people with like interests.

I don't mean we're sharing numbers of drug dealers either. It also doesn't mean that all of my internet friends even use any drugs at all. There are some through their own devices that have escaped to some degree. There are some who have family members who have a problem of some sort.

But we have access to computers, either at the library or other public access sites. Some own there own machine. Perhaps, like me an old lap top has been donated. Maybe one was acquired through other means. It's possible considering the number of computers over the past ten years that have been stolen from me.

I may mentioned in previous posts about things stolen and some uncomfortable situation that happen when you scam a dealer for a few hits or more. Or when the dealer becomes his best customer bad things almost always happen, even if their drug isn't yours.

It might be nice if somewhat of a using group could be assembled say on FB. Perhaps this forum could be a resource for helping each of find some sanity and stability in a world that expects nothing more from us than running some hustle on the street or learning a bit of money management to slowly improve all of our individual situations.

Hey, it could happen and perhaps there are those out there reading this blog might be able to point me and others to those discussion groups so we all can improve our lot in life.

And how are things going with me? I have hit a rock or two since my last entry. Not as much in total as other months, but I did manage 9 days before finding myself in the position of wanting to make the call.

As mentioned before, I again have a reliable number with relatively decent quality. As mentioned before this new guy's number sort of fell into my lap and wheh I first tried it it worked just dandy.

Probably more dandy for the Dude rather than my financial situations, but I wasn't put in a situation of crawling the streets to play trial and error with the various dealers working curb service. It also should be mentioned that home delivery is part of this kid's service.

A blessing and a curse, but at least he arrives when he says he will.

The cat seems to have been put on the back burner for a little longer, but that is something that will happen before the summer has come to an end. The summer season seems to slip away before it gets started so I am continuing to put pressure on my friend to get back to the shelter to make things happen.

I used to be a guy who could make things happen. While some of that power is no longer available, I still have skills. (Insert smiley face here.)

No cat..

Timing is everything. You have to show up at the shelter a little earlier than five minutes before it closes. But an application has taken along to be filled out and returned another day. That day isn't going to be that far in the future either.

I hope.

Rain, the most we've had in this part of the world for May has made getting out and about a bit problematic. Not in a major way, but I do know enough to get in out of the rain. Or stay out of the rain. In any event I didn't get too wet.

While I had made it a point not to find a new number, one kind of got dumped into my lap. So with money in hand and a twist in my guts, I made a call. Actually I made a few calls. Actually I made calls everyday from Tuesday through Saturday.

So I'm done for awhile.

Not going to call my friend who holds my money for more cash. Not going to play my neighbor Don into sliding me a few dollars either. He's been pretty much holed up in his apartment, so little fear there of his just wandering over with a pocket full of cash.

Sadly, it seems he's doing very little wandering anywhere, anyways.

In the mean time I'll be tapping my fingers, tapping on this this keyboard and hoping for better weather. Seeing people, talking with them, writing to them in some fashion or just waving Hi! will be occupying my time and keeping me busy until a cruise to the park is possible.

There is a kitty on my horizon though.

And then a week.

Nothing extraordinary in that but then there is...

Yeah, it has been a week since my last hit. I had cash to buy crack with as well. No crack was purchased. The thought passed through my mind to be certain but it seems that it just flitted through. The thought of scoring and the cravings that accompany didn't punch me in gut for a change.

Yeah, I had money in my pocket and didn't call the Dude. My regular Dude is still MIA. The other guys shit is shit and I had other priorities. I bought some weed. I threw money in for a propane tank for a recently acquired gas grill donated by the landlord. I bought some food items considered healthy and nutritious in some circles.

Hey!
Fritos or crack?
Fritos or crack?
Fritos or crack?
Fritos won.

YAY, marijuana for intervening!

My take on my drug usage has taken a new perspective as well. I used to consider it problem. An issue that took a lot of energy from me in the way that I thought, acted and reacted. Now it is being considered more of a nuisance in my life. A nuisance that keeps me from doing things for, well me.

It is all about me, dammit.

In reality it isn't all about me. But getting me going in the right direction has an effect on what direction other things in my life might conceivably take.

Money will be coming shortly. Again, lists will be made. Things will be bought and bills will be paid. Money will be set aside and some little things will be bought, or attended or enjoyed that haven't been a regular part of my life for awhile. Nothing extravagant by anyones measure, but simply things that give pleasure.

A pint of Guinness, an ice cream cone, Chinese carry out or maybe a movie.

I'm easy that way.

A few hours then a week...

As in a few hours after my last post, I did cave in and buy some crack. I knew that it was going to be shit and wasn't wrong. Then I managed to get through a week before hitting it again. Still shit, still wasted some dollars and time. Still did nothing to improve me or the world around me.

Again, big surprise there...

It isn't so much as an improvement of any sort as an attempt at times to silence the roar. Quiet the beast perhaps or take a short chemical vacation from my past and present. More the past in may respects as the present in some fashion is more tolerable.

I keep myself busy.

I talk with friends and there are some who talk to me. At times I'm amazed some people would even bother giving me the time of day. But the phone rings, emails show up and posts and comments come into the electronic crack they call Facebook.

A friend from Michigan keeps in touch pretty regularly, a friend from Louisiana I haven't heard from in awhile also hollered at me. Neighbors and others stop by as well. Emails from some give me much to think about. People who trust me with their stuff have shown me a great deal about me. I have learned way more listening than all the jaw flapping I'm tend to do.

I do play as well.

While the amount of crack I've ingested has indeed declined, the amount of beer and cannabis has increased in some measure. In that there are pluses and minuses. The plus that the alcohol and bud hasn't been as mentally taxing on me. Well, not completely free from some consequences. The thing is though I'm not sitting in the kitchen or bedroom waiting for men in black combat gear to be crashing through my windows or ceiling.

Hell yes, there have been days when I've hit a pipe and it's felt like that.

Thing is though, and not to be a broken record, I get fucking randy when a few beers and a few tokes are inside of me. I ain't dead yet. But it is something I have to work on. Exercising a certain amount of personal self control is required. Letting the thought pass for the deed.

Actually I put a bit of that into practice in the past week.

A little.

Actually I have also thrown caution to the wind in other circumstances. I can be a pain in the ass. And also as mentioned in previous posts, most people laugh it off, gently tell me to shut up or just plain ignore me. At times I'm someone who needs to be taken in small doses.

But back to the learning things. and this was and is big for me.

I was given a tip to try to reconnect with someone who is distant from me for a number of reasons. Not as in completely shut out, but not overly enthusiastic about regular communication. I really don't want to talk about the how beyond saying this depends on our wonderful technology and patient persistence. A gently in your face everyday sort of thing.

Like a salesperson who doggedly refuses to give up.

I'm glad I know smart people.

I'm not sure what to say.

That hasn't stopped me in the past though.

Despite my reservations about calling the "Other Dude", I did. As suspected his shit was shit. Garbage. Crap. Almost no buzz and mostly soda and cut. Soft, like silly putty. A waste of time and money.

To say I won't call him again is a lie of course, but the incentive to do so is dramatically lessened by the quality of my last buy. My regular guy, I am now really convinced, is gone, gone, gone. now I am sitting here wondering what will happen. To him and me.

As mentioned in an earlier post, this may not be a bad thing. But until the twists in my gut gets to the point where I don't give a shit, I guess I'm Erie Crackless. As a friend mentioned when I restarted writing blog, I might want to consider reinventing myself.

It may be happening by default.

Not to say that I have had a sober existence, but I did use money for things other than crack. Like for some cheap ass wine. MD 20/20 Orange Jubilee goes with Cheetos, Fritos and Doritos and not much else. I have also eaten a few of my vicodin in a recreational manner. Add to that eating a couple Ambein for a night time snack made for at least one interesting night. A couple of bowls of Mother Nature just for balance.

I only wish I remembered it all.

I went to bed at about midnight. I do know that I sent out some texts that might have, in a different day and age, gotten me arrested. Well, maybe not arrested, but certainly might have been cause for someone to send a friend over to beat the living shit out of me. But those texts went out a long time after I thought I had actually gone to sleep.

Well, it's a good thing I have friends with a sense of humor.

I let this rest for a few days to wait for the fallout and to kind of get my mind right. The funny thing is most of what came back was positive. Certainly not glowing recommendations that I do that every night, or ever again for that matter, but a sense of people knowing me for what or who I am.

One conversation shined a bit of light on that for me and for that I am grateful.

Oh!
I also bought ice cream, which is not a go together with MD 20/20 Orange Jubilee.

This may not be all bad.

But the Dude isn't answering the phone.

Actually, his phone is turned off. That's usually indicative of about three different things:
1. - He is out of product.
2 - He is out of town.
3 - He's in jail.

For a lot of reasons I am hoping it's one or two. Despite the negative things associated with dealers of that poison, consuming it is my choice and it is one way that he supports himself and his family.

Number three would be complete speculation on my part, but there was a "sweep" by the police last week of street level dealers. I don't know where my dude is in the rankings, but that is really not my business.

There are some things to which I want to be ignorant.

But I have only one other number and am loath to use it. First of all because this other guy has real issues with time. Secondly, his stuff is generally shit. Thirdly, well there is a third reason but I'll just leave things at reasons one and two.

I don't want to go through the bullshit of finding another source. The hassles and risks involved in that are more than I'm willing to expose myself to right now.

Do I want to get high? Damned right I do but for the moment, just not that badly. So this truly may not be all bad.

Let's see how this plays out.