No cat..

Timing is everything. You have to show up at the shelter a little earlier than five minutes before it closes. But an application has taken along to be filled out and returned another day. That day isn't going to be that far in the future either.

I hope.

Rain, the most we've had in this part of the world for May has made getting out and about a bit problematic. Not in a major way, but I do know enough to get in out of the rain. Or stay out of the rain. In any event I didn't get too wet.

While I had made it a point not to find a new number, one kind of got dumped into my lap. So with money in hand and a twist in my guts, I made a call. Actually I made a few calls. Actually I made calls everyday from Tuesday through Saturday.

So I'm done for awhile.

Not going to call my friend who holds my money for more cash. Not going to play my neighbor Don into sliding me a few dollars either. He's been pretty much holed up in his apartment, so little fear there of his just wandering over with a pocket full of cash.

Sadly, it seems he's doing very little wandering anywhere, anyways.

In the mean time I'll be tapping my fingers, tapping on this this keyboard and hoping for better weather. Seeing people, talking with them, writing to them in some fashion or just waving Hi! will be occupying my time and keeping me busy until a cruise to the park is possible.

There is a kitty on my horizon though.

And then a week.

Nothing extraordinary in that but then there is...

Yeah, it has been a week since my last hit. I had cash to buy crack with as well. No crack was purchased. The thought passed through my mind to be certain but it seems that it just flitted through. The thought of scoring and the cravings that accompany didn't punch me in gut for a change.

Yeah, I had money in my pocket and didn't call the Dude. My regular Dude is still MIA. The other guys shit is shit and I had other priorities. I bought some weed. I threw money in for a propane tank for a recently acquired gas grill donated by the landlord. I bought some food items considered healthy and nutritious in some circles.

Hey!
Fritos or crack?
Fritos or crack?
Fritos or crack?
Fritos won.

YAY, marijuana for intervening!

My take on my drug usage has taken a new perspective as well. I used to consider it problem. An issue that took a lot of energy from me in the way that I thought, acted and reacted. Now it is being considered more of a nuisance in my life. A nuisance that keeps me from doing things for, well me.

It is all about me, dammit.

In reality it isn't all about me. But getting me going in the right direction has an effect on what direction other things in my life might conceivably take.

Money will be coming shortly. Again, lists will be made. Things will be bought and bills will be paid. Money will be set aside and some little things will be bought, or attended or enjoyed that haven't been a regular part of my life for awhile. Nothing extravagant by anyones measure, but simply things that give pleasure.

A pint of Guinness, an ice cream cone, Chinese carry out or maybe a movie.

I'm easy that way.

A few hours then a week...

As in a few hours after my last post, I did cave in and buy some crack. I knew that it was going to be shit and wasn't wrong. Then I managed to get through a week before hitting it again. Still shit, still wasted some dollars and time. Still did nothing to improve me or the world around me.

Again, big surprise there...

It isn't so much as an improvement of any sort as an attempt at times to silence the roar. Quiet the beast perhaps or take a short chemical vacation from my past and present. More the past in may respects as the present in some fashion is more tolerable.

I keep myself busy.

I talk with friends and there are some who talk to me. At times I'm amazed some people would even bother giving me the time of day. But the phone rings, emails show up and posts and comments come into the electronic crack they call Facebook.

A friend from Michigan keeps in touch pretty regularly, a friend from Louisiana I haven't heard from in awhile also hollered at me. Neighbors and others stop by as well. Emails from some give me much to think about. People who trust me with their stuff have shown me a great deal about me. I have learned way more listening than all the jaw flapping I'm tend to do.

I do play as well.

While the amount of crack I've ingested has indeed declined, the amount of beer and cannabis has increased in some measure. In that there are pluses and minuses. The plus that the alcohol and bud hasn't been as mentally taxing on me. Well, not completely free from some consequences. The thing is though I'm not sitting in the kitchen or bedroom waiting for men in black combat gear to be crashing through my windows or ceiling.

Hell yes, there have been days when I've hit a pipe and it's felt like that.

Thing is though, and not to be a broken record, I get fucking randy when a few beers and a few tokes are inside of me. I ain't dead yet. But it is something I have to work on. Exercising a certain amount of personal self control is required. Letting the thought pass for the deed.

Actually I put a bit of that into practice in the past week.

A little.

Actually I have also thrown caution to the wind in other circumstances. I can be a pain in the ass. And also as mentioned in previous posts, most people laugh it off, gently tell me to shut up or just plain ignore me. At times I'm someone who needs to be taken in small doses.

But back to the learning things. and this was and is big for me.

I was given a tip to try to reconnect with someone who is distant from me for a number of reasons. Not as in completely shut out, but not overly enthusiastic about regular communication. I really don't want to talk about the how beyond saying this depends on our wonderful technology and patient persistence. A gently in your face everyday sort of thing.

Like a salesperson who doggedly refuses to give up.

I'm glad I know smart people.

I'm not sure what to say.

That hasn't stopped me in the past though.

Despite my reservations about calling the "Other Dude", I did. As suspected his shit was shit. Garbage. Crap. Almost no buzz and mostly soda and cut. Soft, like silly putty. A waste of time and money.

To say I won't call him again is a lie of course, but the incentive to do so is dramatically lessened by the quality of my last buy. My regular guy, I am now really convinced, is gone, gone, gone. now I am sitting here wondering what will happen. To him and me.

As mentioned in an earlier post, this may not be a bad thing. But until the twists in my gut gets to the point where I don't give a shit, I guess I'm Erie Crackless. As a friend mentioned when I restarted writing blog, I might want to consider reinventing myself.

It may be happening by default.

Not to say that I have had a sober existence, but I did use money for things other than crack. Like for some cheap ass wine. MD 20/20 Orange Jubilee goes with Cheetos, Fritos and Doritos and not much else. I have also eaten a few of my vicodin in a recreational manner. Add to that eating a couple Ambein for a night time snack made for at least one interesting night. A couple of bowls of Mother Nature just for balance.

I only wish I remembered it all.

I went to bed at about midnight. I do know that I sent out some texts that might have, in a different day and age, gotten me arrested. Well, maybe not arrested, but certainly might have been cause for someone to send a friend over to beat the living shit out of me. But those texts went out a long time after I thought I had actually gone to sleep.

Well, it's a good thing I have friends with a sense of humor.

I let this rest for a few days to wait for the fallout and to kind of get my mind right. The funny thing is most of what came back was positive. Certainly not glowing recommendations that I do that every night, or ever again for that matter, but a sense of people knowing me for what or who I am.

One conversation shined a bit of light on that for me and for that I am grateful.

Oh!
I also bought ice cream, which is not a go together with MD 20/20 Orange Jubilee.

This may not be all bad.

But the Dude isn't answering the phone.

Actually, his phone is turned off. That's usually indicative of about three different things:
1. - He is out of product.
2 - He is out of town.
3 - He's in jail.

For a lot of reasons I am hoping it's one or two. Despite the negative things associated with dealers of that poison, consuming it is my choice and it is one way that he supports himself and his family.

Number three would be complete speculation on my part, but there was a "sweep" by the police last week of street level dealers. I don't know where my dude is in the rankings, but that is really not my business.

There are some things to which I want to be ignorant.

But I have only one other number and am loath to use it. First of all because this other guy has real issues with time. Secondly, his stuff is generally shit. Thirdly, well there is a third reason but I'll just leave things at reasons one and two.

I don't want to go through the bullshit of finding another source. The hassles and risks involved in that are more than I'm willing to expose myself to right now.

Do I want to get high? Damned right I do but for the moment, just not that badly. So this truly may not be all bad.

Let's see how this plays out.

Since February 28th

Not much has happened of consequence.

Well, that isn't entirely true as there have people who have entered my life in some measure and some that I have even met face to face. I did go on a short trip to Michigan to take part in Hash Bash. I have also consumed my usual ration of crack during that period of time.

There has been no walking on water or other miraculous events.

Much of my life and interaction with people is on online forums of one sort or another. That is the product of my having a difficult time getting outside whenever the mood hits me. The weather doesn't help that either. Not having a vehicle doesn't enhance the chances of my being out as well.

But have you seen the price of gas?

The people that have to a degree entered my online and to a degree real life run the entire spectrum as well. To casual acquaintances through deep and solid friendship. Most of these people have never sat across from me. In some cases they don't have a clue what I look like nor would I recognize them if we passed on a street. There are a very few who I actually talk with on the phone.

I'm certain the image my voice conjures up is Kermit the Frog.

So, while people actually hanging out with me is rare, but frequent enough for my tastes, it's not like there is no one to talk to should the need arise. So a free flow of bullshit, jokes, gossip and real, real conversations are part of my life.

For that I am grateful.

The trip to Michigan brought me face to face with a character I have corresponded with and spoke to on the phone many times. Sometimes the call is nothing more than "Hey, how you doin'?" In my shoes, sometimes a call from someone like that is huge.

But anyway, I attended an event quite unlike anything I have ever experienced before. It certainly isn't because I have lead a sheltered life, but from not being the right place at the right time. In short, I have never been anywhere where a huge group of people, in the street, in broad daylight, in front of uniformed police and yes God too, smoked, shared and enjoyed cannabis.

Just walking around the street fair, looking over at this kid taking a hit and smiling. Then he smiles and passes his joint to me. The first time that happened in my life. Complete stranger shares his doob with me. I was at first unnerved, but did the puff, puff, passed it back. It was good and I told him so as I thanked him.

What I thought was an isolated incident turned out to be anything but...

On that note I owe a great deal of gratitude to those who pushed and prodded me to take that trip. In many ways it almost didn't happen but there were those who looked at it for me as a "Better that than that" type of thing. Also thanks need to be expressed to those who put me up for the night and tolerated my bad jokes and twisted sense of humor. Most importantly, new friends were made and some friendships strengthened.

Yes, I did get high with a little help from my friends.

Smoking mother nature is miles away from smoking crack. As mentioned earlier, there was plenty of that going on as well. Not at Hash Bash, but before I went and after I had returned. I knew it was going to happen and planned accordingly. It's a plan I will be employing in the future as well.

With a little help from my friends...

Can a Crackhead be trusted?

Obviously not...

I had made a decision to stop posting to this blog about two months ago. While the reasons for doing so still flit through my mind, those reasons really don't carry the same currency as they did when I posted my last entry.

Things change.

The fact of the matter is that this blog has been one of the few truly healthy outlets for my expressing hopes, fears and frustrations. Not writing here and not getting feedback has left a hole of sorts inside of me. I know what the 12 Step folks would have to say about filling that hole, but that just doesn't cut it for me.

I don't consider myself an atheist, a God of my understanding is still as illusive to me today as it was when I was forced to go to my first 12 step meeting.

That aside, there seemed to be a pressure building as the time passed from my post of February 28th, 2011 until about 15 minutes ago. That's when I started beating on the keyboard to fill this form. The decision to start this up again was not taken lightly either.

I asked people I respect and trust for their opinions.

The responses were by and large positive. I already knew that in some fashion that I would be writing something somewhere. The response I was shooting for from these trusted folks wasn't just a yes or no answer either. I guess some sort of validation was required before I resumed this thing.

Suggestions were made in regards to maintaining focus. Some suggested downplaying the using aspect of my life. Others mentioned the possibility of changing the venue, so to speak. A couple of people suggested reinventing myself.

The thing with that is no matter how I appear to others, I still am just me to me.

One person said, "Why do you care what I think? Just do it..." Another person was "stoked" that I was contemplating a return to posting in this blog. One person simply said that this blog helped them. Considering the source of those remarks, I almost had no choice but to return here.

I am no Maya Angelou, but I think this statement holds true for every single one of us, "There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you." So while posts may not be as frequent as in the past, but they will appear when the pressure of what ever is chewing at me dictates some action. Posting private shit publicly has had it's benefits.

So, with all that said and to those who may have been happy when I stopped posting or are unhappy that I have resumed this blog, I leave you with this:



I am now squeezing my eyes shut tight as I click "Publish Post."