Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Being Alone

It is not a choice that many of us like to make.

It is not a choice that we often make on our own.

Regardless, because of the fact that we are shunned by those who were once close to us, or in fact we are the ones doing the shunning, we end up alone at times that it's just not healthy to be that way.

Christmas Day brought one phone call from a sister who lives far away. That was safe for her. She didn't have to consider whether she would have to invite me to her home for that holiday. No doubt, if I lived close by she would have had me at her place without question. There would have been a mild uncomfortable factor in that, but I would not have spent the entire day by myself.

The sister that lives closer to me now wouldn't have me over if doing so would guarantee eternal salvation. Unless I brought money along and could supply her or her daughter with something material to sooth the pain of my presence. Since I have nothing for them, out of sight and out of mind is their rule for me.

New Years Eve is creeping up on us. I probably will be asleep well before the ball at Times Square begins it's ascent toward midnight.

Just as well. I'll have no one close to wish a good New Year.

Being alone isn't always a bad thing though...

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

It's been awhile

I would like to be able to say all has been well and uneventful.

Unfortunately, that would be far from the truth. There was more than enough money wasted on that poison and promises made and broken to last for more than a bit.

What is it with the likes of us who hit that damned pipe?

It not like we don't see the train heading down the tracks. You see the light from the engine, the smoke pouting out of the stack. You see the cow catcher as it barrels toward you and still you don't do a thing about it.

How many more times are you going to screw up and how many more people are you going to disappoint?

Always, yes always it's after the fact that you then stop to look at the mess you have made of your life. You look at the fact that no one wants anything to do with you. You can't understand why yet another holiday has passed without so much as a phone call from a family member or friend.

What friend or friends?

What family?

Family members have long ago given up. They themselves not wanting to get caught up in the maelstrom that develops around you have taken to avoiding all but the most necessary of contact. When that contact does comes, it appears to be more out of pity. They don't want to see that loved one end up dead from exposure or starvation but at the same time keep an arms length away.

What we have really isn't contagious.

Why are we treated as though we were carriers of Ebola virus or some other terrible condition that could be spread through a hug or a handshake.

It is said that the holiday season is tough on people who are apparently normal. Do they understand what is is like for the likes of us who have so much self control in other ares of our lives with exception of that one small thing.

Yeah, just that one small thing.

The problem is that it is not such a small thing.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Not much new, but...

No, there really hasn't been much new happening for the past few days. Well, almost nothing happening.

Last Saturday I did run into people from my past life. Really people who were more of a part of my ex-wife's life. They may well be part of her life today for that matter. They were coming into the library as I was leaving.

Now granted, my appearance is not from the cover of GQ. I probably look a bit scruffy with my hair in serious need of a trim and my beard in a similar condition. My clothes, while not fresh off the rack from Macy's are at least clean although not sharply pressed. My look might be described as slightly rumpled. I think my look has always been slightly rumpled.

I do shower on a daily basis as well.

Anyway, as this couple approached I saw that the woman must have recognized me and was trying get by without me noticing. She had been looking at me from as far away as the parking lot and as they approached she tried to ignore me and continue toward the library doors.

Her husband, who graduated from high school a year before me was taking the same tact. We went to the same school together and participated on some of the school's sports teams. She may or may not have mentioned to him that she saw me as they came from the parking lot.

I did what I normally do when someone familiar to me walks by. I said, "Hi _____, Hi _____ !
(the are names omitted to protect the "innocent?")

She looking at me quickly, feigning unfamiliarity with me. Her husband though quickly came over and said "Hi!" and shook hands with me. She then stopped, looked at me as is for the first time and said, Oh! Hi ____! (My name omitted as well to protect the not quite so innocent.)

It was interesting to see the interplay between them as well as the body language used during our encounter. His actions seeming more open and accepting and hers being more closed and almost defensive.

I guess that running into somone that has turned his life into shit in many respects could be a bit unsettling for some people.

We made a little small talk. They weren't aware that I did return to Erie, but at the same time I didn't run an ad in the local newspaper announcing the fact. I just mentioned that I used the library for the internet service and to get an occasional book.

As mentioned before I do occasionally run into people I know. This is not a huge city and hardly a day passed that I don't see someone that I recognize. It is humorous to see the lengths that some people go through to avoid contact with the unwashed masses. It almost seems that they think I may have contracted some weird contagious disease.

On the other side of the coin, there are people who just happy to see someone who has been through hell and is still standing. Maybe they just are thankful that they didn't go through some of the same things that others have had to endure. Even if the hell was from one's own poor choices.

Right now, that's about all I have to say.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Erie weather

Crackheads and homeless people hate the cold. Well, hating the cold is not exclusive to crack smokers and the homeless, but they probably have more to contend with in bad weather conditions.

I mean, have you ever heard of someone going out into a blizzard at 3 AM without proper clothes and trying to score a $20 piece? Most sensible people would be in bed, fast asleep without worry about risking life or limb due to extreme conditions.

I have to laugh, because one time I heard at a 12 step meeting that someone didn't show up because the weather was too nasty outside. Some blowhard oldtimers chimes in with the ," If he was looking to get a hit the weather wouldn't have stopped him."

I was sort of taken back by that and thought to myself that not going out into crappy weather was the smartest thing one could do for oneself. Was staying inside, warm and dry, a kind of telltale sign that a person was getting better?

Not to some people I guess. Which is also why they say, "Some are sicker than others."

Saturday, December 5, 2009

When bad things happen.

Now, what possibly could happen bad to a crackhead?

Yeah, right!

Nothing much on a daily basis except almost anything. I've now just discovered that I may have to go back to Texas. Nothing official, like a subpoena or anything like that yet. But it will be coming.

This all is related to a break in I had in my apartment in the Dallas area. Not that I'm looking forward to returning to that area but it might not be a bad idea to see what's happening. It also will be good to know that the thug that was behind all the BS will spend a bit of time in jail.

My heart won't be broken by that fact one little bit.

Let's face it. I was scared to death. I was threatened with being tied up and taken to an ATM to get any cash that was in my account out of the machine. My apartment was ransacked while I was pinned in a corner.

They were looking for a safe where I hide all of my money. How stupid can someone be. Crackheads don't have safes where they hide tons of cash. They blow all their available cash on crack.

Well, more on this little development as things well, develop.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

A new month.

Yep, it's a new month.

Welfare checks will be out in a day or so. Some SSI and SSDI checks will be in the pipeline as well. You know what that means, don't you.

Yep, the slingers will be hustling their best crap just before the checks come out. When the money does get in the smokers hands, it won't be long before the dealers start switchin' up to the garbage.

It's a about the money folks.

I've been almost abstinent for the past few days. It really not because I've taken the pledge or anything like that. it's because I'm broke. It's one way to keep oneself straight.

I am already making plans for when the next check hits the bank. It's like a things to do list before stupidity takes over.

1. Pay my rent. (It's no fun living on the streets when the snow is flying.)
2. Pay my electric. (My apartment comes with heat, but what fun is it sitting in the dark for a month?)
3. Buy smokes. (That's obvious.)
4. Buy food. (The weather may make getting to the soup kitchens a bit difficult.)
5. Buy a bus pass. (There are free buses, but sometimes it's better to grab the first available.)

If there is any left, and really, there should be some, then I'll think about partying.

I really should be thinking about other things.

And that is a sad, sad fact...