Am I a Phony?

You know, a phony person.

One who presents themselves as something quite different than what they really are in fact. Someone who appears to be normal to all outward appearances. Someone who's comments, insights and opinions are welcomed and respected. Someone who hides behind the curtain while pulling levers and manipulating gears so that the image is far different than his reality.

That troubles me in that this is part and parcel of the compartmentalization in my life that I am trying to breakdown. Presenting one me while knowing that is a false front.

On some fronts, I have invited a few to take a peek behind the curtain. I have, so to speak, invited a few to the edge of my circle. Not into yet, but at a safe distance that allows me to observe and to be observed. This is all at arms length as there is a great deal of fear should someone get too close.

Closeness has it's dangers, both to those others as well as myself. I've hurt and have been hurt. Part of that pain feeds the beast and it's appetite waxes and wanes. But it roars to life at times with frightening unpredictability.

Last night it whimpered when I got $20.00 from my neighbor.

So the beast got a snack.

That happened as I was drawing others in, and I pushed them away at the same time.

And sooner or later the phony me is gonna' have to come clean if it's ever going to safe to let someone close. After all I done, seen and heard what the hell am do I have to fear.

Just me.