Do I have a disease?

The debate rages on, but Congress seems to have made that decision for us.

What would we do without politicians?

Don't answer that...

Anyway, I was feeling depressed about having used on Monday. Tuesday had me babbling in one of my "support groups" dedicated to Harm Reduction. As in do no harm to others or to one's self. Or in my case, minimize the risk to myself.

So after reading from "Addiction Inbox,"(A link to that article is in the title to this blog entry) an internal argument rekindled inside of me. I posted to my group the following:

I keep forgetting.

Do I have a disease?

Am I of weak moral fiber?

Have I only made and continue to make bad choices?

Am I only trapped in the endless cycle of a dependence on a chemical to make me feel normal?

And what ever the answer, do I have a snowball's chance in hell of escaping this hell?

Oh, fuck it...

A reply was posted by someone, much smarter and wiser than myself. Out of respect to this private list and to protect the author's privacy all identity has been stripped. With all that said, the reply was this:

I choose to engage in recreational intoxication and to do no harm.

Although this entails some risk so do other behaviors such as gay sex, skydiving, or driving an automobile. We do not choose to call these diseases.

The people who have a disease, the sick ones, are the one's who want to outlaw drugs and fill prisons and lock up people like me in 12 step indoctrination camps and take away my freedom of religion and shove the god of billshit down my throat.

I do agree with this, with possible exception of the gay sex.

All sex is risky, but that is for someone else's blog or editorial.

I smoke crack. There are inherent risks in engaging in that activity and I do my best to minimize those risks. And while that activity isn't always a pleasurable one, it is something I choose to engage in from time to time. In a sense, it has becomes hard wired into me.

So far as the harm and risks are concerned, there is little left to lose and I insulate myself so no harm is done to others. I try to minimize the financial consequences so that my life can be a bit more comfortable. In that regard, by using harm reduction techniques in my finances, some success has been realized.

But eventual abstinence is a goal. It may not be in reach at this moment, but is something I'm working to achieve. But my usage is reduced significantly from where it was not too long ago. In part that has been a benefit of writing this blog.

Beating myself for episodes of hitting the pipe are counter productive. I am, as the steppers are fond of saying, "a work in progress." That progress will be measured in the long term results. One of those goals is to be abstinent with money in my pocket.

It probably won't happen tomorrow, may be not next week or even next year. But it's a goal I am aiming towards.

You gotta' have some goals. I'm keeping mine simple and allow for mistakes.

If you've never made a mistake, you've never done anything.