Still Edgy, But...

It could be worse.

Yeah, I used yesterday.

Somehow it seems like a waste today. I sleep in late and didn't really want to go out at all. I had to get some things done, so here I am. Not in the best of moods, but it's been worse. Much, much worse.

Some other bills were paid. Money owed to people who loaned me during the past 2 months. I couldn't pout them off again, as I blew the money I owed them last month. It was a few days before Christmas and I guess it was my way of staving off loneliness.

Anyway, I may be getting to Wally World for some supplies and a few groceries. Things to have in the house when the weather or my health prevent me from getting out.

Now to figure out what I can spend and still have enough for a little buzz.

Man, the way the mind of a crackhead works is scary at times.

I'm a little edgy today...

Yep!

Actually I'm a lot edgy.

The reason for that is that I've got some money burning a hole in my pocket and I do want to use.

I've paid my rent and electric bill. Money for some debts I've made is set aside and that is OK for the time being.

But I'm really edgy right now. Things aren't going the way I want them to go. I can't log into my phone account online to get the damned thing reactivated. No phone equals no call to the Dude. I'll have to do this via other ways but I am not happy about that.

The bus isn't running right today either. The fresh coat of snow seems to be messing things up a bit so far as traffic is concerned. What's the matter with these people, you would think it was the first snowfall of the year. Dumb drivers.

Yeah, I guess I'm edgy.

Entitlement Issues

I eat at least one meal a day for free.

It is not something I'm proud of but the community provides to those who are in need. I'm grateful that these services are available.

Something that happens occasionally is the fact that there are people who believe for some strange reason that they are owed these free lunches. I've probably have mentioned this sort of thing in the past, but when these negative people come by their negativity seems to be contagious.

I've heard "'They' won't give me a job, so at least 'they' can give me a meal." Nobody owes anyone a job and 'they' certainly don't owe anyone a meal.

Another one that sticks in my craw is , "They ran out of ______ (you can fill in the blank with any food item) and I've been waiting here for an hour. They probably are saving it for their (black or white) friends."

Another favorite of mine is, "They're serving ham again? They had that here yesterday!" Maybe they should have checked the specials before they got into line.

Another good one is "You don't mind if I cut in here? I had some business to attend to, but I've been here longer than most of you all." No, I don't mind but the 50 people behind me might get a bit ruffled. Maybe the next time this person can score their crap after they get their lunch.

I grateful for the food that is served. I know full well that there are those who are probably more deserving and probably in more need of that food. It's available to me though and I take advantage of that. I also do my best to make sure that everyone who needs these services are made aware of them.

I probably could avoid this crap. Well, we all make choices and my choice was to smoke up last months check before buying food for the month. When circumstances are different, I'll go to a restaurant and buy myself a meal.

If it not up to par, then I'll complain.

Well, maybe.

My followers have increased 100%!

Well two people following this blog is better than one and way much better than none. My head will probably swell up so much I won't be able to get out of the door.

The important thing is that some of this stuff is being read by someone. I hope they take away something from what I scribble on the walls. The basic message is that crack sucks!

While crack is what I relate to best it must be noted that any addiction sucks. Any substance or activity that starts to become the primary focus of one's life has the risk of entirely taking over all aspects of your life.

Yes, that includes work.

It should also be noted that it's been awhile since I've last used. Guess what! Crack is still a focus in my life because of the plotting I'm already doing to plan out my next use. Figuring out how much money goes here for rent, then the electric bill, then what I owe my ex, my neighbor fronted me some smokes as well and then there is the little debt to my sister. Then I can ration out what is left to get myself pretty well wired.

If I'm careful then my checking account won't be overdrawn. That would make it possible to start next month without having a negative balance, primarily from service charges and overdrawn fees.

I'm usually starting each month financially in the hole.

Another good indicator of the power crack does have over me is this blog. The mere fact that I'm posting to it as I do is very telling.

There are positives that can be drawn from this fact.

One very big one is at the moment I'm not hitting a pipe.

Old Friends

Today is a beautiful January day in Erie.

Beautiful in that the sun is shining again and it is well over 32f. When it's like that people tend to come out of their burrows and see what's happening in the world.

Well, that's what happens in my world anyway. You'll see many of my friends out on almost any day, regardless of weather conditions. They're on their way to get lunch at the Mission or dinner at Emma's. Maybe there are a few people waiting for the trolley to take them to the library.

On a day like today though, folks are more likely to stop and say "Hi!" Then you find out what's happening with "Ralph" at the V.A. You might hear about "Sam" misbehaving while getting his free coffee at Arby's. Or you just might find out that someone has found a decent place to live and things are getting a little closer to normal for them.

Winter is not over with yet, but these little pauses in the bitter cold does make people a little more sociable.

It's a Beautiful Day!

Well, it's not snowing the temperature is above 32f and the sun is shining.

I've been watching a bit more TV lately and saw a documentary on the local PBS station, WQLN. The movie was Young@Heart. It was about a group of geriatric choristers who sang primarily rock and punk.

Anyway, this show came on at 2 A.M. a few days ago. I was suffering from a bit of insomnia and just turned the TV on. The picture and sound came on at the point where this elderly lady was screaming into a microphone. At first I thought it was some sort of sad show about elderly dementia. How wrong I was as I watched her roll right into "Should I stay or should I go?" by the Clash.

I nearly pissed myself laughing.

Anyway, that has seemed to set the tone for this week.

I'm glad that I'm broke right now. If I had money, I might have missed that show because I was high. Then I probably would have been geeking about the possibility of the IBI being right outside my door.

Actually, my mood has been so good that I'm trying to talk someone who lives in a part of the world that never sees snow to come to Erie to ice fish.

Or maybe I'm just in a manic phase....

Almost Got an Attitude

Yep.

I've been posting comments to a writers blog on my hometown newspaper's website. Little things about me, this blog and the benefit of writing. I noticed that my comments didn't appear instantly and that riled up the addict in me.

Instant gratification. That's a big part of what we're about.

Well, that's what I was looking for and it didn't work out that way. I did notice that the first comment I posted had to wait for the moderator's approval. Then the second comment seemed to have shown up and disappeared a short while later.

Man! Don't you people know who I think I am!

Let's be serious for a minute. Even in this liberal world we live in today, who wants comments from an admitted down and dirty crackhead? I did prepare myself for the the disappointment that my words wouldn't be the thing that that particular blogger wanted on their site. I also thought that they would also not want to see a link to this blog in that space as well.

Surprise!

I went back to the blog today to see that the comments were indeed listed under the appropriate blog entries. Maybe there are those out there who might have, if not the same, perhaps a similar philosophy as I have.

Everyone, regardless of what their station is in life, has a story to tell. If one takes the time to listen to these stories there will be quite often something of value to be gained. Another thing is that reading someone elses blog or listening to another's thoughts might just reinforce something positive that you are trying to accomplish.

Oh! To be fair, as I posted links to this blog on that other site, please check out http://www.goerieblogs.com/news/writersblock/. It might spark something for you as well.

Now if I could figure out how that nice lady gets to write one or two paragraphs a week and still gets a check. I also need to run my comments through a spell checker so at least I can come across a tiny bit smarter than I really am.

It's good to have a friend

Today I had a couple of cigarettes to go with my morning coffee.

So much for the sharp tongue lashing out I expected to serve from lack of nicotine. Besides that, nothing too contrary happened during the course of the past day to set me off. That's if I discount the distasteful rolling billboards running around the downtown Erie area.

I'm not even going to comment on that subject.

What I am going to talk about though is kind of an extension of the conversation started yesterday about being alone and the unfortunate circumstances surrounding that condition.

In the local paper was an article concerning the discovery of a will for a person who died and wasn't found for 18 months. The poor lady had a friend who brought groceries and the like to her. Then the grocery supplier passed away.

It seems that when her friend died this poor lady's food source and company died as well. I can only imagine her slowly starving to death as she waited for her friend to bring something for her to eat. It should also be noted that the woman's pet dog died as well.

For 18 months no one noticed. For 18 months no one seemed to care about what may have happened to this poor woman. It's not as though she had no family. Her nephew had no problem rooting through her stuff after her death was discovered.

But I mentioned a will was found in the paperwork of the person who brought her groceries and spent some time with her before his passing. Apparently the nice lady meant to pass on her fortune, whatever it might have been, to this good Samaritan.

I wonder how good the Samaritan's heirs feel about any windfall they might receive.

Anyway...How hard would it be to call, or better yet, knock on the door of someone you know who is alone in this world. At the very least it might bring a smile to a face of someone who doesn't get too much company.

Maybe even treat them to a cigarette or two to go with their morning coffee. That will do much to improve their mood if they're a smoker who is out of smokes.

This freaked me out.

I was standing in line waiting to get lunch at the Mission when I overheard snippets of a conversation.

"Man, I knew something was wrong. I haven't seen him since before Christmas." His friend followed up with, "Well they think he's been dead since December 4Th."

Many of our kind don't have real regular contact with people. It's not really about being antisocial, at least I don't think that's the case. Sometimes we have no funds available and getting around is a chore. We show up for a few days and disappear for a few weeks.

No one really keeps track.

It's not that we don't care if So and So hasn't been around in awhile. Everyone has their own routine, troubles and needs to take care of that someone missing is not a major thing.

Every once in awhile though the missing person shows up dead. That's to say that they have died in their apartment when few people think about checking up on them. The rent just was paid and the landlord doesn't come around until the following month's rent is a few days to a week late.

Nobody makes a big deal about someone missing who's just gotten their check. They've probably paid enough bills to keep out of the radar. Maybe even copped enough drugs to allow them to burrow away for a few days. Maybe the heat isn't working, but at least they are out of the snow or rain.

So no one is too concerned if there is any concern at all.

Somebody might be pissed because they didn't get a promised bump. So they knock on the door and get no answer. "Oh well, Dude is out partying someplace else. MFer still owes me a hit!"

How many in the "real world" would become suspicious when a friend disappears for a week or more? Quite a few, I'm certain.

Too bad it can't be that way for everyone.

Dead is dead. Would it be nice to know that at least when they found you they could have an open casket. Then your friends could tell everyone how peaceful you looked.

Peaceful looking, but still dead.

What's even worse than running out of crack is...

Running outta' cigarettes!

Some people would say that is not a bad thing. Of course those who talk that way are reformed smokers. The worst sort of character for someone who is having a nicotine fit to run into.

Since most of my friends suffer the same problems as I do, they too are low or out of cash. That means they don't have an extra smoke to throw my way. Just ask any of them. The response is sure to be, "Oh man, I just smoked my last one." or the usual "I've got but one left to get me through the day."

Smoking that nasty shit then adding tobacco to the mix doesn't make for great respiratory health. Hacking up great gobs of black gunk should make one pause a little. One would think that combining both of those addictions would shorten one's life span.

It doesn't seem to matter. Once that loaded stem or fresh Newport is in our hands, shortly thereafter comes out the Bic.

Oh well, the fact remains that I am out of smokes.

I'll just have to be extra careful about what I say and who it's said to. If no cigarettes come soon the next few days posts should be extremely interesting.

Maybe I'll pick on the Avalon again regarding it's lack of "public" restrooms.

Nearly Normal

Yep!

The past few days have been nearly normal. I don't have any cash right now. that is not a bad thing. No cash, no crack. I have plenty of food, a few cigarettes and have a warm place to spend the night.

What more could one ask for?

Well a little more human interaction wouldn't hurt my feelings at all. That is one of the reasons I go to the Mission or some of the other facilities that serve food.

The meals aren't bad and the company is welcome. Most of the company is welcome anyway. There are exceptions and thankfully these are few. Especially irritating are those who are critical of a free meal.

One thing that I do try to do every time I eat one of those free meals is thank the people who take their time to feed the poor, homeless and mentally ill. Those who are unable to take proper care of themselves or have no resources to make a proper meal on their own need all the help they can get.

How fortunate they are to live in this town.

Really...
Honest...
No kiddin'!

Erie Snow

An Erie crackhead must be a hardy soul.

Outside of my back door is a pile of snow, pushed up from plowing operations, at least 12' high. While the from door have less snow, it is an ice hazard for the likes of folks like me.

This is par for this part of the world for about 3 to 4 months out of every year. I haven't had to endure this kind of weather for awhile. The positives about my hometown and how those in my situations get by make the weather more than bearable.

It's all about averaging things out. No place is perfect. But when you go over the advantages and disadvantages, Erie seems to come out higher on the list than many other places I've been to.

I mean that I could be sitting in seventy degree weather and wondering where that gunshot came from.

Not Everything in Erie is Perfect

True, no one will ever go hungry in Erie.

I have proven to myself and others numerous times that hunger in this town does not exist. Well, unless you're extremely stupid or lazy.

But there is another area that needs to be addressed.

Public restrooms.

I have a spinal chord injury. Quite often the need to use a restroom is urgent. Accidents have happened and are very embarrassing. I also detest those who think the world is their restroom.

Now, as it happens, today I had an urgent need to urinate. Nothning to be ashamed of, as this is a bodily function of almost every animal in existance. But problems arise when you go into some establishments to use the facilities.

The restrooms are "for customers only." That sign makes me angry and I do make note that when I do want the services provided by the establishment that posts that sign that I should go to their competetor.

The local hotel at 10th between State and Peach St. has a plumbing problem At least that was the impression given to me by the desk clerk "Chris" when I asked for directions to the restroom. Now, there is a bar and a restaurant in the lobby of that hotel?

Where do their customers go when they have the need? Around the corner and into the bushes? I really don't think that's the case.

As mentioned before, I have a spinal chord injury and control is difficult. I wonder how the desk clerk would have reacted if I piddled on the carpet in the lobby?

I may test that when the next 'emergency" arrives. The only problem will be my having to walk back home through the downtown area with soaked trousers.

It might be worth the embarrassment.

A New Year

It would be nice to say that I'm entering the new year with all sorts of resolutions.

Well, it ain't necessarily so. To say that there would be no more smoking crack or using some kind of substance to get out of myself would be a joke. I'm just not that good. just saying NO isn't going to work too well either.

Is this being negative?

Not really.

This is just being realistic.

There are some things that I am going to do that will take my mind off of the wanting to get ripped. Some of these things may actually help to a degree. To be honest though, these are devices that have a limited effectiveness. Nonetheless they are tools that do tend to stretch out times between my binges.

These are also devices to get my money into something other than to a drug dealer.

Just because the dope man isn't getting my cash doesn't mean that the money is being wisely invested. It just means that instead of getting high, I'll be doing something other than smoking crack.

Some would say that is a positive step.

Maybe, maybe not.

It may well be a positive step in that my mental health might be somewhat improved. it might also give me a healthy outlet for some of my boredom and frustration with my situation. my situation, of course is all of my own doing. Well, just not smoking crack is a positive step.

A hobby of something constructive is a step up from frying my brains away.

Maybe it just might be a bit on the positive side.

Time will tell.