It's been a little while.

Part of the reason is that I am clueless as to what to say at times. Then there are other times that I just don't want to spill my guts here, or anywhere else for that matter. Holding stuff in is not healthy. In many respects there is a black plague of poison inside of me.

Bottled up and waiting to explode.

This place has provided, to some degree, a safety valve for that pressure. A place to vent without drawing anyone else into the drama I invent for myself. It's also a place to talk about progress or setbacks that have occurred.

Not much progress has been made over the past week.

Starting last Tuesday and through Saturday had me hitting the pipe. Not a good thing in many respects, but there are worse things that could have happened. There could have been serious repercussions to my behavior as well. Drugs and and other factors are a mother fucker when it comes to my personal behavior.

I tend to put the bar way low on those occasions.

Playing games are fine for kids. I am no longer a kid. Not by any one's stretch of imagination. Some of those games are putting me in a light that does not really portray who I would like to think I am. Shit, it's starting to creep me out in a way that is not easy to explain. To put it all in a nutshell, my drug addled mind has no business screwing with people online or over the phone.

So, with all that said changes are in the wind. So far as my using, well that is back burner for awhile. My budget for crack has dwindled, even though my spending for it is down, I have managed to stretch things out a bit further.

Smaller but more frequent purchases has saved me money, but the outcome is more days a little screwed up mentally. Wiring is getting scrambled a bit more and some reason in some sensible things is starting to get fuzzy. So a break is past due.

Time to reread things already written, reconsider my actions and attitudes and to make adjustments.

Anyway, it's almost a sure thing that I hit some more down the road. What needs to be addressed is the way I have to act. It's part of that doing no harm to others thing as well.

That part is perhaps the most important part of this all...

Sometimes I wonder...

The following short essay by Steve Goodier touches me in a particularly ominous way.

I try to do things to improve my life and reduce harm to myself and to others. Sometimes there is success and other times has me wondering where the hell this is all going.

To hell in a hand basket?

A stressful weekend was endured and true to character, after it was all over getting high was the escape I chose. Getting to a point of being straight for a week before was an non-issue. Keeping myself broke helped a great deal. Having a goal in mind and in sight was also helpful as well.

To say that the efforts in keeping a clear mind in advance of this event were without merit is not accurate. To say that a magnifying glass on my mistakes caused me to pick up a pipe would also be incorrect as well.

But mistakes were made and wear on me a bit more than those things probably should. So my refuge is that period of temporary insanity that is part of my make up. A way to obscure what is really going on perhaps. A method to run away while standing perfectly still.

Shit is still there and my actions and behaviors haven't done one wit to make things better. It should also be noted that lately posting here, censoring what really is going on, is a result of revealing this blog to some people. Trying to be honest with myself is harder when trying to hide things from others.

This blog has helped me. Talking to myself about what is happening and how it affects things on a daily basis has had benefits. To that end, this is what this blog is about. Making this private may be an option because playing to an audience, small as it may be, has shaded what and how often posting here has occurred. To a degree playing to an audience is something I have been guilty of committing.

More stuff to chew on. What direction to go and who knows about it is another consideration. Some folks say this blog has been helpful to them. That was a secondary purpose here, but if it is becoming just another venue for bullshit then keeping that to myself might be best for everyone.

Putting myself at the top of that list is imperative.

So for now, I'll leave you with this:


"THOSE ARE MY PRINCIPLES

Comedian Groucho Marx quipped, "Those are my principles. If you
don't like them, I have others."

I have principles. And sometimes I follow them. Well, usually.

I also have opinions. I have opinions about politics, yard sales,
health food and fortune cookies. (Actually, more about the fortunes
than the cookies.) But they're opinions. I COULD be wrong about some of those things.

And I have opinions about four-year-olds. Like the one who came
screaming out of the bathroom to tell his mother that he dropped his
toothbrush in the toilet. He watched her fish it out and toss it
into the garbage.

That is when something occurred to him, something about when a
toothbrush ought to be discarded. He ran to the other bathroom and
came out with his mother's toothbrush. Holding it up, he announced,
"We better throw this one out too then . . . it fell in the toilet a
few days ago."

That confirms at least one of my opinions about four-year-olds.

But it also points to something more than an opinion - a principle.
In this case, the principle is about the importance of trying to do
the right thing, even if you're a few days late in doing it. Martin
Luther King, Jr. put it well: "The time is always right to do what
is right."

And one like it is this: doing the right thing, even in little
things, is never a little thing. And that's not just an opinion. It's
a principle that works."

-- Steve Goodier

Wasting time and getting wasted.

Both are a waste but it helps to pass the time.

Seemingly having a lot of time on one's hands is an illusion. Things still need to be accomplished. Errands to be run, cleaning to do and laundry that is sitting in the corner are all hollering at me. Do this, do that and get it done so you can do something else.

Yesterday was a complete waste to add to all of this situation. Don was called to have a cup of coffee and he showed up at a little past 9 A.M. with his plastic bottle of liquid stupidity. I was going to not have any at that early hour, but eventually caved in to a few sips.

A few sips turned into a few gulps and a few gulps were enough to get me donkey faced drunk.

Yeah, yeah, I know. Twelve steppers, drug and alcohol professionals and a few self righteous folks will have a field day on the fact that I got stewed in an unplanned fashion. The fact is that while there were other plans for the day, nothing important was really missed. A few things were just put on the back burner for awhile.

Again.

It's not all bleak or dark or depressing. Some good things did happened, or perhaps more correctly, nothing really bad happened. As in Don didn't give me any money. Actually, no money was taken from Don even though an offer was made. More vodka was also put in reserve for the day when Don is shaking just a bit too much.

That does not make me any kind of hero.

I have said no or ignored his offers in the past. The fact is that there is always a price to be paid when taking his money beyond the simple fact that he needs to be repaid. Those costs range from the temporary insanity that goes hand in hand with smoking crack to the depression that always seems to follow using that stuff.

So, mood is better, resolve is being strengthened and maybe today will result in some accomplishments that will make life a bit more comfortable.

Sitting here is not getting anything done, though..

It's Time for a Change.

Many people who have successfully quit smoking rocks for extended periods of time have one thing in common in that endeavor. Something happened that helped turn their backs to taking that next hit. Most didn't go to rehab, almost none of these people have sat in meetings to have God remove the obsession. They just don't anymore. They can explain this fact no better than they could explain the reason why they were hitting the damned pipe in the first place.

What is true is that something or someone entered their lives and made them want to stop chasing the demon.

Now, I've been here before. I've been at a point where the advantages of not buying and smoking crack have been so attractive that short dry spells have been achieved. Every time something happened to make all that resolve disappear. Unexpected windfalls of money or someone coming by with a free one.

You know as well as the Erie Crackhead that there are no free hits or free lunch.

So there is something that is happening in the life of this crack head. In many respects it is not an huge event in respects to other things that have happened in the past. But it is an event that will want me to be on my best behavior and a better frame of mind. This is so what can hopefully takes place will be better appreciated.

What is this great event that has this crack head dropping the pipe?

I really don't want to talk about it in this increasingly public forum. To say more would remove the mask a bit more and people would start doing mental math, putting two plus two together. Those folks may well come up with 42, but that would be the wrong answer for the wrong question.

But this non-event in many respects has a lot of power and has me wanting to be on my best. To be available mentally and emotionally for someone who just might need me. Someone who has been too absent from the Crackhead's life and that has finally sunk in for me.

There have been precautions taken already to make this work. I don't have crackheads streaming in and out of the place, so no "free" hits will be staring me in the face. My dealer has informed me that home delivery will be spotty in the future as well. Transportation problems of an unspecified sort will curtail the same door to door service enjoyed in the past.

Anyway, this is where I am today. No expectations of being forever crack free are clouding my mind. If there is more crack in my future, we'll know when that happens. No promises are being made to anyone, including myself. It's just that I will be more careful in some choices.

The fact is that that shit is screaming at me right now. It's basically saying, "Are you fuckin' kiddin' me? You'll be geekin' to the max the next time Don waves a twenty in your face!"

That may well be so, but there are defenses in place for the short term. A little weed and a few beers have staved off making a call in the past. It'll work in the future as well, as long as I don't drink too much of that nasty ass vodka.

Not exactly the Hazelden model, but iHazeleden has about the same success rate as what I will be trying to accomplish. Sheesh, I should know, I've been through the freakin' place twice not counting their Fellowship Clubs.

If a hit does get taken, this much is also certain. It will be a setback. But it will not mean defeat, as long as I'm breathing after it's all gone. It's a setback and they provide opportunities all of their own. This is not a qualifier. This is a fact.

It's been a mixed bag.

Tuesday and Thursday had me taking a few hits and drinking a few beers and doing a few tokes. Monday and Wednesday just had me taking a few tokes of medicine.

Both days when some crack was in the picture, as for the most days when I do that, were unplanned. Some money was had from Don and some was cash tucked away for a rainy day.

It was raining yesterday.

That's not entirely correct. I'm talking about the planned use, not the rain. When check time comes, I have planned what will be spent and how I'll spread that using out over several days. I have found that calling the Dude just once daily has facilitated getting a buzz over more days. This is in contrast to calling many times a day and being without in a very short period of time.

That is an improvement in regards to what might be called wasting it all at once. Budgeting and those lists have helped in that regard. It might also be pointed out that smoking weed afterwards has helped to lower the amount smoked in one particular day. I am disinclined to make that second call when stoned on weed and makes coming down a bit less frantic.

Less frantic in that the cravings for more are considerably lessened by the weed.

When one considers that I would smoke in one day what now is my monthly consumption, it is a big deal. It is to me anyway and that's what is most important.

Now I have to talk about Don.

To blame Don for my unplanned using is wrong. But I have ceased encouraging him to lend me money. When he has an excess of cash on hand though, invariably he will make an offer to slide a few bucks my way. Especially if he is under the influence. That condition is almost constant now, as his financial picture is improving, even though his health is rapidly going down the toilet.

He hasn't been here as often as he has in the past. In part this might be his discovery of my pouring off some of his vodka to reserve for him later. Like to stave off full blown DTs or at least to keep him from shaking himself out of a chair. The other factor is that he has increasingly been less capable of even getting out of his bed.

Tuesday had him calling early in the evening. I thought he might be calling to see what was cooking for dinner. He eats here occasionally, and as mentioned before is welcome company at times. This call was straight to the point though. He asks if I need a couple of bucks "to do your thing." He was already three sheets to the wind.

Did I say no?

Of course I said OK! At the same time I did one thing never done in the past. I asked if he could bring it by here. I thought he sounded incapable of getting out of his door, so if he did show up at all it would be several hours later or even a few days later. Contrary to what should have happened though, he agreed to stop by and said he would be here in 5 minutes. One hope in that was when really drunk five minutes has turned into 2 days.

My other hope was that he say if you want some cash you have to come get it yourself. There were a handful of excuses at hand that could have been used to keep me from tromping to his door. While the excuses were handy, it must be noted that the twisting of my stomach may well have taken me right to his door.

As a matter of fact, I would put money on my traveling for that money.

Five minutes later though, the doorbell rings and there he was. A little unstable on his feet, but standing there all the same. After being invited in, we shot the shit for a bit about things other than his temporary abundance in cash. After a bit though, he digs into his pocket and pulls out a wad of cash. He peels off what he thought was the agreed to amount and lays it on the table.

I didn't take it, but let the money sit on the table.

That was a good move on my part,because as it turns out there was more money there than he wanted to loan. There was also more money there than I wanted to have to repay. After a few minutes he does flip through the cash and discovers his mistake. Happily he puts the excess money back in his pocket.

Happily because he took that burden off of my shoulders. While I would have and will happily pay him what was agreed to, I am not sure that he would have been repaid what was originally laid out on my table. While thinking that all of his money would have been repaid, regardless of the amount, part of me doubts that fact. Just being honest about how a crackhead mind works.

And just pointing out the various ways we lose the word no from our vocabulary.

Monday, November 1, 2010

A new day in a new month. We are still 2 months from the New Year, but it and Christmas are creeping up on us. The weekend was mostly uneventful

Friday night had me taking a few hits, after a bit of cash was discovered. I had some weed to come down and things went OK. So far as OK with a little pile of crack can go anyway. Saturday was laid back as was Sunday.

Saturday, because it was Saturday night was given to a few beers and a bit of weed. Nothing extraordinary took place beyond making a few silly posts to Facebook. A few people laughed and that's OK. They were friends who know if I was hanging around on the computer also knew I wasn't frying my brains with rocks.

Sunday was also a laid back day. Listening to the radio, then watching a bit of TV, anticipating watching the Steelers play NO in the evening. There was only one problem with that though. When the kids are back from school, the parking lot behind my place is full of cars. Sometimes those cars are left running. When that happens I can't tune into the NBC affiliate, Channel 12.

I also can't do this while my computer is running either.

Getting cable service for my TV is a possibility, but who wants to pay those outrageous fees for a few hours of entertainment a week? Paying to watch the Steelers lose isn't really my idea of a good time. Some television watching did take place though, the news and news programs were checked out. The new Sherlock on Masterpiece Mystery was also checked out as well.

While the first program in that series was great, the second show was a bit of a letdown. Show three promises to be a gasper, but all I can say is that the program Sherlock is by and large a HOOT!

With all that, nothing of any significance happened and the world is still spinning.

Don has had enough money to keep himself properly donkey faced for the whole weekend. He isn't coming by. I think after learning about my tucking away some vodka for emergencies he doesn't want to share. The plus side to that is not having to worry about his returning safely to his place. Not having to disturb our neighbors to carry him back is a plus as well.

They do have better things to do than worry about Don or I.

So after a by and large, boring weekend on can say there have been better and there have also been much, much worse periods in my life.

Better is well, better.

Oh! Tomorrow is election day. The Erie Crackhead votes and if anything that should be good cause for you to vote as well.